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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off at my DC being questioned at customs over whether I'm really their mother?

324 replies

Thumbeline · 31/07/2017 10:08

My DC have their father's surname. I now have my maiden name. I find it a bit sad that we don't have the same surname.

I have pretty much raised them single handedly.

DP and I have a baby, who has the same surname as DP, so I'm the only one in the family with a different surname.

We were returning to the UK from France the other day.

The customs official asked if we were a family. Yes, I replied. She then asked why we all have different surnames. It was so embarrassing. She asked if I had any proof I was the mother of my DC. I asked why, if I was abducting British children, from France, why I would be bringing them back to the UK, with their own passports...?

She then proceeded to cross question all the children. I was so angry and upset I could have cried.

OP posts:

Miniminimus · 01/08/2017 22:40

Thanks Miss Seventies, I doubt she would want to travel with a DC but, like the situation with your DMIL, it seems to make a nonsense of the name thing.

When you apply for a passport for a child, parents have to be listed on the form and and the birth cert sent in, which also shows the relationship. Why can't the parent names then appear on the child passport? Does anyone know? Wouldn't would make the relationship clear regardless of surname.

Amanduh · 01/08/2017 22:43

Well, I'm sorry some people find it 'annoying' and I don't see why you'd be upset either to be honest. They're just doing checks. It's for security reasons. Meh

SayNoToCarrots · 01/08/2017 23:04

I think it's more the fact that so many women change their names on marriage and do not pass their family names on to their children that makes somewhat of mockery of the surnames always making the relationship clear

Sn0tnose · 01/08/2017 23:54

OP am totally with you - it is sexist and if they were protecting children then they would ask all parents but they do not- it is always women. No it isn't.

Immigration officials have told me - I am a bad mother for not changing my name, a poor wife, that in their culture I would have the children taken away. I point out his screen shows they travel with my and have done for the whole time and on the 2 occasions their father has taken them away - he has not been asked. Jobsworth says well, no, he has the same surname, why would we stop him I'm assuming that happened in another country because it absolutely did not happen at immigration in the UK.

I do not need some fake moralistic crap thrown at me everytime I travel and their feckless cheating wanker of father gets nothing because he ash the same surname. I'll say it again. UK Border Force do not care whether you've kept your name, changed it upon marriage or whether you change it by deed poll on a monthly basis. They aren't making any moral judgements about your marital status. They don't care if you're single, married or somewhere in between. If (and I say if, rather than when, because I don't believe the above scenario happened in the UK) you've been questioned, then it's because you're travelling with children. Not because you're female. The only thing they care about is that everyone is correctly documented and there are no indications of anyone (adult or child - because it happens to adults too) being trafficked.

ittakes2 · 02/08/2017 00:37

They did not ask you to upset you or your children - they asked because it's probably their protocol for situations where the adult has a different name to the children. Unfort it's a sad reflection of the world we live in where customs has to check for child abducton. I think you are being unreasonable and a bit self focussed - maybe one day their questioning could save the life of a child being taken out of the country without their parents permission.

Roomster101 · 02/08/2017 14:49

They did not ask you to upset you or your children - they asked because it's probably their protocol for situations where the adult has a different name to the children.

Why can't some posters get the fact that people are complaining about the protocol/policy rather than individuals doing their jobs. They are complaining about the protocol because not only is it discriminatory but it is a poor way of safeguarding children and with modern technology there should be easier more effective ways i.e. it could be justified if treating parents differently actually helped protect children but it doesn't.

Lweji · 02/08/2017 15:16

I'm sure the protocol/policy is not to treat parents differently.
If anything, it would be a choice by the individual officer.

Lweji · 02/08/2017 15:18

Having said that, I agree that the protocol doesn't safeguard children.

Proof of relationship and guardian authorization should be mandatory for anyone travelling with children to or from any country.

Manijo · 02/08/2017 15:19

Due to child trafficking and acrimonious divorces there are many countries now stricter on people travelling with children. We are travelling to South Africa and I will be returning to the UK with DS whilst husband travels on to a different country. We have had to obtain a parental consent form signed and stamped by the SA embassy showing that I have permission from my DH to leave the country with my son. The sooner people get used to these new measures the better. People need to better informed when travelling with children.

Manijo · 02/08/2017 15:21

and I want to add that I would have to give permission if it was DH travelling on his own with DS.

TizzyDongue · 02/08/2017 15:26

Been asked this many times, and I have the same surname as my children. They have also been asked who I am too.

Roomster101 · 02/08/2017 16:53

I'm sure the protocol/policy is not to treat parents differently.
If anything, it would be a choice by the individual officer.

It is unclear but whether it is an individual decision or policy there clearly is a difference and that is what people are complaining about.

Roomster101 · 02/08/2017 16:56

We have had to obtain a parental consent form signed and stamped by the SA embassy showing that I have permission from my DH to leave the country with my son.

That seems sensible if people are being treated the same regardless of surname but what happens if both parents are there but have different surnames. Do they have to carry a letter from each other?

RaymondinaReddington · 02/08/2017 17:23

In some situations there is no evidence to prove you are the parent. I am divorced and my children have my ex husbands name. No marriage certificate because I'm divorced. The decree absolute does not have maiden name i.e.. current name on. Anyone could write a letter prettending to be their father giving me permission to take them abroad. All my documentation is in my maiden name....

Lweji · 02/08/2017 18:06

RaymondinaReddington

Their birth certificate, documents showing all your names and the father should have demonstrated he was the father when he signed the letter.
There is no perfect system, but the UK is quite permissive regarding identities.

user1493242132 · 02/08/2017 18:08

Get over it! I get asked if I am the nanny all the time. IM NOT

Roomster101 · 02/08/2017 18:11

There is no perfect system, but the UK is quite permissive regarding identities.

There may not be a totally perfect system but having the names of the parents on the passport would be a start.

RaymondinaReddington · 02/08/2017 18:26

I had their surname on their birth certificates and my name is different now. I can't think of any documentation that has my maiden name and their names on.
If I wrote a letter and signed it from their father it proves nothing.

I do understand the problem but I'm not convinced that any of the rules make sense. Nor is the proof required actually proof of anything. i like the idea of Parental names on passport - though it would be expensive changing children's passports too when you changed your name.

I had the same problem changing lots of documents when I went back to my maiden name. Everyone insisted on "proof" but there wasn't any - no marriage certificate exists any more, the decrees don't show maiden names.....

niccyb · 02/08/2017 18:30

They have every right to ask you.
www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/family-holidays/how-to-travel-abroad-with-a-child-with-a-different-surname/

Ktown · 02/08/2017 18:35

If you don't like the current system, what do you suggest?
It is ok to criticise but what alternative is there?
Must be the same for step fathers so it is hardly sexist.

Roomster101 · 02/08/2017 19:17

It is ok to criticise but what alternative is there?

With modern technology there should be plenty of alternatives which would be more effective. If parents must be questioned they should at least be consistent.

expatmigrant · 02/08/2017 19:19

[roomster] i do have a different surname to my DC as my country of origin insists in passport being in maiden name. The African countries now have a rule in place that if parent leaves country with DC they have to have permission from other parent regardless of which parent . I think that this will become protocol/policy in more countries as times goes on. It is a bit of a hassle. For us it either has to be an parental affidavit stamped by embassy or a notarised letter. I can see this becoming quite a problem in the future with acrimonious separations/divorces or where the DC have father's name but no longer in contact and where children are travelling with friends/family. Will be interesting to see what happens. Luckily for us my youngest is now 17 so we only have one more year of it.

wheelsortyres · 02/08/2017 19:49

Yabvvu.

It's happened to me and lots of people I know. Even with the same surnames.

pinkstripeycat · 06/08/2017 16:42

It's easy to say the children have different fathers and we are not married. Job done.

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