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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at my DC being questioned at customs over whether I'm really their mother?

324 replies

Thumbeline · 31/07/2017 10:08

My DC have their father's surname. I now have my maiden name. I find it a bit sad that we don't have the same surname.

I have pretty much raised them single handedly.

DP and I have a baby, who has the same surname as DP, so I'm the only one in the family with a different surname.

We were returning to the UK from France the other day.

The customs official asked if we were a family. Yes, I replied. She then asked why we all have different surnames. It was so embarrassing. She asked if I had any proof I was the mother of my DC. I asked why, if I was abducting British children, from France, why I would be bringing them back to the UK, with their own passports...?

She then proceeded to cross question all the children. I was so angry and upset I could have cried.

OP posts:
mumsneedwine · 31/07/2017 12:02

My kids are always asked who they are traveling with. And we have the same surname, their father is with us (same surname) and one looks so like me (poor love). It's to stop child trafficking. Be glad they are doing this as it might stop some poor child being abused. My youngest was once asked if I was her mother and we had just had a row about sweets and she was tired and cross. So she said no. She was 5.

heron98 · 31/07/2017 12:03

I take my niece on holiday every year (she has a different surname to me) and no one has ever stopped me or questioned it. How odd.

DressedCrab · 31/07/2017 12:04

YABU.

It's to prevent child abduction or trafficking. Your feelings really don't matter compared to that.

coddiwomple · 31/07/2017 12:04

My DH has been asked, I know my BIL are regularly asked too. One of them is joking that he is always stopped and questioned when he is alone with the baby.

I don't see the queries any different than showing your passport.

We can question the system, should the kids just be added on each parent' passport for example. There might be a better system somewhere , but being annoyed by customs is not the right way to approach the issue.

VestalVirgin · 31/07/2017 12:10

One of the reasons I wouldn't change my surname when marrying. Children should always have the mother's surname as default. Easier that way, as in most cases, they stay with the mother after a divorce.

Customs have to check you are actually the mother, I agree.

Though I do not agree that the actual mother should need the father's consent to take the children anywhere.
The patriarchal notion that children are the property of the man who may only have donated some sperm to their conception is quite outdated and should be done away with.
Especially since in some cases it might not even be possible to track that person down after the birth of a child.

flamingnoravera · 31/07/2017 12:12

Not everyone is questioned and not everyone is absconding with children but immigration staff have to be on the look out for children being trafficked. It is a sad state that we are in that this happens but happens it does and it happens to all sorts of people. So next time any of us are stopped we need to remember that this is to protect children from abduction and trafficking, not to cast aspersions on the parentage of the children.
I had it when I brought a group of 13 beauty therapists aged 16-21 back from a two week work experience trip to France last year. The girls got huffy about it but it was just immigration staff trying to do their jobs. I had to tell the students that they needed to behave with utmost politeness to the border guards becauseagressive or rude behaviour signals something amiss to the border guards and is likely to get them detained. They did not like that either and got arsey with me instead. Ho hum.

VestalVirgin · 31/07/2017 12:12

Two children in my family were abducted by their father when on holiday abroad with their mother. It was years before they were traced, still having therapy 20 years later.

Wait, there were on holiday abroad with the mother and then were abducted by the father?

How could custom checks have prevented that? Unless, that is, the father took them to yet another country and wasn't stopped at the customs.

grannytomine · 31/07/2017 12:16

Yes he took them and within two hours he was in another country. It was nothing to do with surnames, they all had the same surname. I don't think it matters which parent is travelling with children, there should always be checks to ensure they aren't being abducted whatever their names are.

GlitterGlassEye · 31/07/2017 12:17

Dp and I aren't married and our 2dc have been asked if I'm their mum at customs too. Dd was only 5 at the time and kind of looked at me as if "What do I say?" as she was put on the spot by a stranger. That was embarrassing Blush.

nomad5 · 31/07/2017 12:17

YABU parental abduction is the most common form of child abduction. I have the same surname as my husband and children. When travelling alone with my young children, I still get asked by border officials if I have their father's permission to travel with them.

A relative of mine upped sticks overseas with her children without their father's consent many years ago, with little notice. Shocking to think of now.

lalalalyra · 31/07/2017 12:18

Having the same name doesn't stop the questions and checks (and nor should it). We got stopped coming through from Spain and the kids with us have the same name.

DH also got stopped when he took DS(8) away. DS had to answer questions about who DH was and where the rest of his family were.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 31/07/2017 12:20

YABU. Safeguarding children from parental abduction is far more important that your temporary irritation.

Lweji · 31/07/2017 12:20

It's worse with Schengen. There are no borders, so anyone can take a child abroad, but if the child is taken to another country it's still a nightmare to track and go through all the legal procedures.

Danglingmod · 31/07/2017 12:21

Ds always get asked if we're his parents and we all have the same surname. I worry that, because he has autism, he'll refuse to answer or make a silly remark, so probably look really nervous and dodgy.

ExConstance · 31/07/2017 12:21

This is exactly why we double barrelled our children's names, I've never been asked about the family structure.

YetAnotherNC2017 · 31/07/2017 12:21

It's fairly common TBH.

In our family, 4 people have the same surname. I have a different surname and DD has a different surname again.

I'm travelling with her birth certificate and a letter of consent from her dad.

illegitimateMortificadospawn · 31/07/2017 12:21

We cane back into a UK airport last week and I was given a leaflet by the border control officer about making sure I carry copies of my sons' birth certificates with me if we travel without DH, as we do not share the same surname. I am OK with this if it prevents child abductions and trafficking.

mumsneedwine · 31/07/2017 12:29

If you go to South Africa with kids yo need their original passports. And if both parents aren't travelling a letter from the other one. No exceptions. You also get heat scanned for Ebola when you get there which was pretty funky.

uggmum · 31/07/2017 12:31

Last year French customs questioned my children and asked if we were their parents. We all have the same surname. It didn't bother me at all. They are just doing their jobs

TestTubeTeen · 31/07/2017 12:31

And you have done it again - given your youngest child a different name from your own.

Why not include your own name in the child's name?

I do agree that it would be best to name a child's parents in the passport.

But this has been going on for years. It must be galling, I appreciate that, but surely you can see the reasons?

When questioned about why you have a different name from your children just reply 'because I followed the patriarchal tradition of naming them after their male parent'.

museumum · 31/07/2017 12:37

I got asked whether I was travelling for work or pleasure and what my work is and why I was in Amsterdam. It's not upsetting, just questions. I didn't get offended about being asked.
It's exactly the same as asking who is travelling together and what our relationships are.
(Unless you were pulled out into an official interview room, I agree that would be upsetting).

Mumof56 · 31/07/2017 12:37

YABU

What's embarrassing or upsetting about it?

shamoffour · 31/07/2017 12:44

I have 4dc.
Dc1 is from previous relationship surname Jones
3dc from current relationship surname Smith (fathers surname)
My surname is Brown.

I'm happy to be asked its not a judgement it's just being safe. I always travel with my eldest daughters birth certificate.

That said the first time I travelled with dd1 alone I was asked what my relationship was to her, I replied she was my daughter. Dd was only 3 and piped up with "daughter? I'm not your daughter!"
I

heateallthebuns · 31/07/2017 12:48

There's lots of ridiculous checks at customs all supposed to help with security and prevent smuggling (in this case child trafficking). So you had to answer a few questions, why is that upsetting, it's not personal!

Hulababy · 31/07/2017 12:50

We've travelled with dd's friend and Dd has travelled with grandparents - different surnames in both situations.

Not been asked in the UK about it but asked in the US on arrival and on leaving with dd's friend - teenager and able to answer questions about it. We also produced documentation.

Dd was asked questions and my parents produced documentation re Dd on leaving Portugal to return to the UK.

I thought it was pretty much the norm.
TBH even when travelling together (all same name) when entering the US we are always asked questions. They make it sound like chatting and interest but it's definitely a check esp when asking the child. From being small it's been the norm for officials to ask Dd where she's going and what she's hoping to do etc. Esp when entering the US

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