Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be at breaking point with fussing, faffing husband

209 replies

baileysicecream · 30/07/2017 09:59

We have two adult children - well, one adult, one nearly adult. DH retired last year.

Since then he has driven me almost to breaking point. I can't misplace anything, no matter how temporarily or fleetingly. I had a brief fumble for keys yesterday and made the mistake of "wondering" out loud where they were. DH promptly went into "panic" mode. "Where are they? Where did you last have them? Could you have left them in the car / my parents house / DDs room / DSs room / bathroom / bowels of Hell. All this time I was saying "hang on, DH, they are here somewhere. Just wait." And then "Have you found them? Have you found them? DD come here, your mother has lost her keys."

I did find them and honestly i think I'd have located them in thirty seconds if it wasn't for DH.

DS likes to drive now he's passed his test and I'm seriously worried DH is going to cause an accident. Yesterday we were coming out of a supermarket and a car was approaching the red traffic lights so DS pulled out. DH let out an almighty squeal and tried to "fling" his body in front of DS, which is touching in a weird way, but DS obviously had to slam on the brakes and luckily for us we had an understanding lady behind us and P plates on the car. DH just kept saying "sorry, sorry, I didn't realise" but that's not the point, even if the lights hadn't been on red both DS and the other car were going slowly and any real damage unlikely. It's like he just reacts.

He's always woken early but lately it's beyond a joke. 4 am and he's crashing around, letting the dog upstairs so she runs into DD and DSs rooms licking them and wanting to play. When they object DH keeps thundering about getting up early being wonderful and how they are missing the best part of the day. Both of them have summer jobs and DD started crying yesterday as she was on 8-8 in a nursing home and was exhausted as her dad woke her up and she couldn't get back to sleep.

I know these examples must sound ridiculous but it's having a horrendous impact on family life. It's like living with an exuberant toddler.

OP posts:
SolomanDaisy · 30/07/2017 10:01

It sounds unbearable. He's showing no consideration. Does he get out and do stuff outside the family?

chickenowner · 30/07/2017 10:02

Does he know that your DD was crying with tiredness?

Squirmy65ghyg · 30/07/2017 10:03

Wow. Wtf! I'd leave him, he sounds a nightmare to live with. I couldn't cope with the getting up at 4 (fine) but impacting others? Awful. Selfish.

TicketyBoo83 · 30/07/2017 10:04

Has he always been like this?

Tilapia · 30/07/2017 10:04

I think it's normal to get a bit like this as you get older. The key panic sounds just like my mum!

Letting the dogs wake the family at 4am is absolutely not on though. You need to make that clear to him.

watchingitallagain · 30/07/2017 10:04

He would drive me potty! Has he always been so anxious? Flowers

Kpo58 · 30/07/2017 10:04

I think that it is time that he got himself a new job (or a very time consuming not at home hobby).

ElspethFlashman · 30/07/2017 10:04

Why aren't you going ballistic at him?

In the keys situation - why didn't you tell him very sternly to calm the fuck down?

Why aren't you going through him for a short cut for waking everyone up at 4am?

How come he's the only one thundering?

stella23 · 30/07/2017 10:04

The waking people up sounds incredibly selfish tbh, I think you should give him a taste of his own medicine there.

Porpoises · 30/07/2017 10:05

The last example is awful, it's not a spur of the moment reaction, but repeated massive inconsiderateness.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 30/07/2017 10:05

Is this behaviour only since retirement?

Brittbugs80 · 30/07/2017 10:05

He sounds like he needs a hobby or a part time job to get him out the house and keep him occupied.

My Dad was a nightmare when he retired at 50. He got a job after a year, part time, and went back to normal Dad. He said himself he suited a working life better.

GeillisTheWitch · 30/07/2017 10:05

He sounds like a bit of a twat, the waking everyone up early is totally out of order.

Smilingthru · 30/07/2017 10:06

When my DF retired he got so bored and did our heads in!! I didn't even live with them but when I visited it was a nightmare! He lasted 6months and then got a 0 hour contract so he could work to get him out. He also tooo up golf and plays that twice a week.

Would getting a part time job and it hobby help? X

bigchris · 30/07/2017 10:06

He sounds manic to be frank

I'd be worried about his mental health if he isn't usually like that

AccrualIntentions · 30/07/2017 10:06

It sounds to me like it could be linked to retiring. My mum is exactly like this in that really insignificant things now seem all consuming to her, in a way that she never was when she worked. She used to be confident and decisive and in charge and now she has lost a lot of confidence and comes across as very nervous.

She seems so much older than my dad, who still works and has kept his sense of perspective and, I suppose, importance by still working and having his identity bolstered through that.

I'm not sure what the answer is, my mum seems better when she actually has something to focus on, e.g. days when she's volunteering and doing something that gives her a bit of responsibility. If you're focused on something like that then you have less time to faff and flap about insignificant things.

Ohyesiam · 30/07/2017 10:06

Sound like extreme anxiety to me. I doubt he would want to own it, but could you find a way of levering him to gp?
Try writing down the incidents where he is actually being dangerous ( not just madly annoyingFlowers), and confront him with it, telling him he is not being rational and needs support.

lionsleepstonight · 30/07/2017 10:07

Getting up at 4am is fine as long as he's not disturbing the rest of you. Does he not realise how inconsiderate that Is?
How did he react when you told him never to do that again and the reasons why?
Has he always been like this but it was lessened by him working full time, or is this recent behaviour change?

bigbadbarry · 30/07/2017 10:07

Has he Always been like this (people definitely get more pronounced in their characteristics as they get older and retiring can really throw people) or has it developed lately? If it is newly developed then I would be quite worried, to be honest, and try to get him to the GP.

AnUtterIdiot · 30/07/2017 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrTrebus · 30/07/2017 10:08

He sounds manic, has he been checked out? Has it got worse over time? Does he crash?

bellasuewow · 30/07/2017 10:09

How strange op, has he always acted like this? It sounds quite manic and out of control, if this is out of character I would be really worried about his mental health and the effect on the family sounds awful.

MadameJosephine · 30/07/2017 10:11

Sounds like he has a problem with anxiety to me. My dad has always been anxious but in the last few years it's got much worse. He has benefitted from some medication (propranolol) and a course of CBT, would that be something he would consider?

Falconhoof1 · 30/07/2017 10:12

If it's recent behaviour I might consider asking him to see his GP. My dad got very anxious and "fussy" as he got older. Looking back it was the start of dementia. I'm not saying that's what it is but maybe he should be checked out for a medical reason for the behaviour.

traviata · 30/07/2017 10:12

I don't want to cause offence, but if this is all relatively new, is there something bigger going on? Any possibility that it might be signs of depression and anxiety?