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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be at breaking point with fussing, faffing husband

209 replies

baileysicecream · 30/07/2017 09:59

We have two adult children - well, one adult, one nearly adult. DH retired last year.

Since then he has driven me almost to breaking point. I can't misplace anything, no matter how temporarily or fleetingly. I had a brief fumble for keys yesterday and made the mistake of "wondering" out loud where they were. DH promptly went into "panic" mode. "Where are they? Where did you last have them? Could you have left them in the car / my parents house / DDs room / DSs room / bathroom / bowels of Hell. All this time I was saying "hang on, DH, they are here somewhere. Just wait." And then "Have you found them? Have you found them? DD come here, your mother has lost her keys."

I did find them and honestly i think I'd have located them in thirty seconds if it wasn't for DH.

DS likes to drive now he's passed his test and I'm seriously worried DH is going to cause an accident. Yesterday we were coming out of a supermarket and a car was approaching the red traffic lights so DS pulled out. DH let out an almighty squeal and tried to "fling" his body in front of DS, which is touching in a weird way, but DS obviously had to slam on the brakes and luckily for us we had an understanding lady behind us and P plates on the car. DH just kept saying "sorry, sorry, I didn't realise" but that's not the point, even if the lights hadn't been on red both DS and the other car were going slowly and any real damage unlikely. It's like he just reacts.

He's always woken early but lately it's beyond a joke. 4 am and he's crashing around, letting the dog upstairs so she runs into DD and DSs rooms licking them and wanting to play. When they object DH keeps thundering about getting up early being wonderful and how they are missing the best part of the day. Both of them have summer jobs and DD started crying yesterday as she was on 8-8 in a nursing home and was exhausted as her dad woke her up and she couldn't get back to sleep.

I know these examples must sound ridiculous but it's having a horrendous impact on family life. It's like living with an exuberant toddler.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 30/07/2017 12:19

And does he realise that training to be a counsellor involves going through counselling yourself?

paradoxicalInterruption · 30/07/2017 12:22

My Dh was always on the tending to overact end of the spectrum (from laid back to basil Cawley).

Kids leaving home and stress tipped him over to full blown anxiety and depression. Sounds v similar.

I'd suggest GP too.

legodisasterzone · 30/07/2017 12:27

As soon as I read your first post,it screamed 'ASD' to me- DH has it and your post was identical to something I might have written

I suppose the change in his routine and the fact that he doesn't have teaching to focus on will account for someone of the 'overinvestement'.

I don't have the answer,sadly- I seem to act as a daily buffer between DH and the DC.
However, I find that when DH has other interests,he is less engaged in the day to day stuff.
Would youe DH consider tutoring or something similar?

sleepyhead · 30/07/2017 12:37

How about a lock and ear plugs for dd to help that situation at least?

It sounds like it'll take a lot to get to the bottom of his behaviour with no guarantees it will change. At least she'll get some sleep in the meantime.

KimchiLaLa · 30/07/2017 12:49

Feels like he's bored. My dad is now semi retired and you can tell he is. He keeps making a massive deal out of minor things because he now has the time to. He needs a hobby - golf, tennis, charity, cooking, gym etc - which should take up an hour or so a day and make him less into the minor things.

theporcinegrappler · 30/07/2017 12:55

Although he'd never admit it I think he misses them being small when they worshipped him
It's all about him isn't it, imo parents should take pleasure in the fact that their adult children have moved on and no longer need them.
Sounds to me as if he is actively sabotaging his daughter's independence, how can she focus on her career when she can't get a proper nights sleep at home.
Ditto his son, he's being treated as if he's not able to drive competently.

Your husband sounds as if views the household as his kingdom and his subjects must dance to his tune

PurityOfChaos · 30/07/2017 12:56

I think its a combination of boredom, loneliness, feeling surplus to requirements and bit resentful that you are all busy and have places to go and he doesn't.

Could you suggest some community classes, college classes or OU classes, there must be something he is interested in that he never had time for?

theporcinegrappler · 30/07/2017 12:58

WELL, I am sorry" but not really looking sorry, looking around the room with an incredulous look
I think he knows exactly what he's doing, he just pretends not to realise

ADishBestEatenCold · 30/07/2017 13:04

Is this behavior all relatively new? I'm guessing it is, as you seem to (quite understandable) associate it with his retirement.

I think your husband should start by having a medical check-up. He doesn't sound very well and (although this may well be anxiety and retirement related) I do think that he needs to be checked out both physically and mentally, and that it should be a very thorough check-up! Especially that not just the causal effects of obvious changes to his lifestyle be considered , but also the less obvious (and scarier), such as things such as frontotemporal dementia.

Would he agree to you going to the doctor together?

Hopefully he will very soon have a clean bill of health and can concentrate on restructuring his life (and saving you from reaching breaking point Smile).

Hulder · 30/07/2017 13:05

Porcine - pretty much like my FIL who I would swear blind has ASD - I've got it and I find one thing about having it yourself, is that you find it easy to spot others Smile Plus I've been through his study when he eventually got dementia.

He really is incapable, even pre-dementia, of seeing any of his children, as functioning adults over the age of about 12. The youngest, who now has a responsible job, is continually described as some kind of 8-year-old kicking footballs over the fence. No recognition of any changes in their tastes or interests has happened since university age (except the addition of a bottle of wine as a Christmas present). This was 20 years ago now - he hasn't had dementia THAT long Sad

It's very sad as they are all rather disconnected from him now, and were long before the dementia arose, due to his failure to acknowledge them as individual people rather than some sort of chariacatures of children.

1981trouble · 30/07/2017 13:09

Op see if there is an active u3a around you - great for retired teachers to use their skills teaching others.

theporcinegrappler · 30/07/2017 13:17

Afaik it's a common enough male trait....seeing the wife and kids as possessions or extensions of himself rather than individual in their own right

Hulder · 30/07/2017 13:23

True. I've sat with someone dying who 'needed to sort out his paperwork' and it was 'so complex only he could do it'.

His son was standing next to us - he was a senior accountant in a top City firm. We both rolled our eyes.

GabsAlot · 30/07/2017 13:24

th driving thing would have scared the shit out of me-does he realise hes the one who could have caused an accident

and talking of that if dd drops off whilstdrving coz shes so tird could have major consequences

shes got to stop saying its ok to him that gives hm the green light to carry on

fluffiphlox · 30/07/2017 13:28

Get him a road bike and the kit. You won't see him for hours at a time and he'll be exhausted when he gets back. Works with every 50+ man I know.

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 30/07/2017 13:28

Get a small backpack. Put treats, poo bags, handful of cash, trolley, water bottle, snack bar, jumper/ waterproof in and send him to walk the dog for 2 hours every morning, bag is ready.

Game bag, fits dummies, balls, treats, poo bags, water bottles, ball launcher, everything. Put by front door every night with waterproof rolled up inside. Treat it like his school bag.

I know it's been mentioned, but bark training. Dog should not be wound up because he can go straight out the door-I'm being optimistic! Don't the neighbours complain about the barking at 4am?

Ruhrpott · 30/07/2017 13:31

Or suggest he helps out at the local CAB. My retired teacher friend does this and loves it

Ceto · 30/07/2017 13:33

Tell him tonight that if he wakes you all tomorrow morning he's going to have to move out to a hotel with the dog for a week to let you all catch up on sleep.

MagdalenNoName · 30/07/2017 13:33

This organisation might be of interest to the OP.

www.different-together.co.uk/

brasty · 30/07/2017 13:33

The waking everyone early is not on and needs to be stopped. You need a serious talk with him about this.
Unfortunately the rest sounds like he is just getting older. Lots of people do change as they get older. I see my healthy older dad panicking about things that would not have phased him 10 years ago.

absolutelyclueless · 30/07/2017 13:38

I hate to say this OP, but my father had early onset Alzheimer's and displayed a lot of the characteristics you're detailed here. We put it down to him needing a hobby etc, and the GP even put it down to depression, which unfortunately delayed his diagnosis by some years.

Hopefully it's not this, but just a heads up.

bananafanana1 · 30/07/2017 13:45

Sounds like anxiety- as per a pp, get him to the gp- it may get worse.

I'm sure adjusting to retirement takes a little time but its impact on your family is causing issues.

Hope you're ok op Flowers

2ducks2ducklings · 30/07/2017 13:46

I think a lot of retired people end up like this. Especially if they've been very active/busy previously. Where things like a neighbour parking in a wrong spot in the street would have been a minor irritation before, now it's literally all they have to think about and focus on until it becomes the most important issue ever. Previously rational adults seem to turn into over anxious worriers.
I've seen it with all of my grandparents. They'll tell us about some sort of emergency and we're all secretly like Hmmthen one day there will be an actual emergency that they don't tell us about because 'we didn't want to worry/bother you'.
I swear sometimes they're more demanding than your children.
You have my unending sympathy op.

Sprinklestar · 30/07/2017 13:48

This could be FIL! OP, I feel for you, I really do. This would be a deal breaker for me, I'm afraid. Look at it logically. It's not fair for three people's sleep and wellbeing to be compromised because of one person who is acting selfishly (medical cause or no).

In my family, everyone has always said things like, 'It's just FIL' or 'He doesn't mean any harm'... MIL is actually the worst for facilitating his easy life and time and again putting her own needs last. She won't change though. FIL's anxiety is through the roof, he panics if we drive any great distance and needs to know we've arrived safely, panics if DH and DBIL are in the same car in case they have an accident, worries about our and BIL's expenses, mortgages, bills, schools for our children, it just goes on and on. When I was pregnant, he told me quite specifically not to go into labour at the weekend as that's when the worst Drs are around. Honestly, if you actually are feeling a tad down about something, he'll make you feel a million times worse.

So - along come me and later SIL. We have none of it. We've shone a light on the whole family dynamic and it's really made DH and BIL take stock. BIL now ignores all emails from FIL (deletes them), DH calls but on his terms. DH has actually been diagnosed with a potentially fatal condition during the last year and I've pretty much come to blows with him on more than one occasion, as he'd have had DH dead and buried. He's worried about our finances (again), medical treatment, went and tried to 'interview' the Drs treating DH... All of this has the knock on effect that he's implying that mine and DH's decisions are not good enough. We're late 30s! Not stupid kids. Realtionships are strained now and I don't see them getting better to be honest. He's a selfish, self centered man who appears shocked when the world doesn't run to his specifications. Your DH will lose you and the DC, OP, if he carries on like this.

Sprinklestar · 30/07/2017 13:53

Hulder - we have exactly that. Seriously, when BIL went on holiday, FIL assumed he wouldn't have the common sense to take out travel insurance and so took out a policy for him! Of course BIL has his own... He's also paid BIL's council tax, assuming he wouldn't have the wit to do it himself... OK, so BIL was the younger brother back in the day and a bit of a character, but he's now in his thirties, married, has a responsible job. It's infuriating and explains why the two barely speak any more.