To be at breaking point with fussing, faffing husband

[baileysicecream]

We have two adult children - well, one adult, one nearly adult. DH retired last year.

Since then he has driven me almost to breaking point. I can't misplace anything, no matter how temporarily or fleetingly. I had a brief fumble for keys yesterday and made the mistake of "wondering" out loud where they were. DH promptly went into "panic" mode. "Where are they? Where did you last have them? Could you have left them in the car / my parents house / DDs room / DSs room / bathroom / bowels of Hell. All this time I was saying "hang on, DH, they are here somewhere. Just wait." And then "Have you found them? Have you found them? DD come here, your mother has lost her keys."

I did find them and honestly i think I'd have located them in thirty seconds if it wasn't for DH.

DS likes to drive now he's passed his test and I'm seriously worried DH is going to cause an accident. Yesterday we were coming out of a supermarket and a car was approaching the red traffic lights so DS pulled out. DH let out an almighty squeal and tried to "fling" his body in front of DS, which is touching in a weird way, but DS obviously had to slam on the brakes and luckily for us we had an understanding lady behind us and P plates on the car. DH just kept saying "sorry, sorry, I didn't realise" but that's not the point, even if the lights hadn't been on red both DS and the other car were going slowly and any real damage unlikely. It's like he just reacts.

He's always woken early but lately it's beyond a joke. 4 am and he's crashing around, letting the dog upstairs so she runs into DD and DSs rooms licking them and wanting to play. When they object DH keeps thundering about getting up early being wonderful and how they are missing the best part of the day. Both of them have summer jobs and DD started crying yesterday as she was on 8-8 in a nursing home and was exhausted as her dad woke her up and she couldn't get back to sleep.

I know these examples must sound ridiculous but it's having a horrendous impact on family life. It's like living with an exuberant toddler.

If my Dad woke me up repeatedly at 4am there would be WW3 that is just selfish behaviour.

Why can't he just get up and take the dog for a long walk instead of disturbing everyone else?

OP I think he needs a hobby and push for him to go to the GP

I've been smiling myself, it is funny in a way. I feel sorry for DD though

DS has ASD though very high functioning so it's not impossible.

What fits (for both of them) is lack of social "norms" but only in some ways. DS can't read faces, talks loudly and monotonously about random things. DH sunbathes in the back garden in just underpants and socks and we are overlooked It does annoy me.

Constantly takes his shirt off which I find really inappropriate and unfortunately he has passed this habit onto DS.

But in other ways he is open, cheery, affable, most people seem to think he's a lovely man (he is to be fair.)

The dog at 4am would work except you don't just open the door and go, you faff around for poo bags and lead and treats and then what if it rains, best take a brolly, and wallets too and last minute dash upstairs for coat. Meanwhile dog knows a walk is imminent and is barking madly with excitement.

He sounds anxious, hypervigilant, and not very well mentally. Retirement can be incredibly tricky for men who have worked in one profession for 30+ years. It sounds as if he needs either anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds AND counselling - and at some point, maybe a p/t job.

When you write this all down, OP, does it sound quite extreme? It sounds as if you're all sort of used to it, but actually in b&w this is quite extreme behaviour that is impacting on the whole family.

I think you may have to sit him down and insist upon changes - and go with him to the GP so you can explain the impact. None of these behaviours are normal or acceptable. Never mind "he won't go", I think for all your sakes he needs to be made to understand that this behaviour cannot go on.

How old is he?

And no, these are not inevitable traits of retiring or getting older. I think they were already personality traits that now have free rein.

Bty, my DH and I had completely different sleep patterns, in part because I did nights. He would sneak out of bed at first light and potter around tidying up, QUIETLY. I would be sneaking into bed in the early hours, QUIETLY. He loved the start of the day but never expected the rest of the family to follow his lead, even if he couldn't understand it.

He is 61. 62 in January.

My husband retired in the early part of this year. I'm in my 40s, so obviously still working. I think we are having a better time of it than your family, but it's still a huge adjustment and he is generally more prone to panic or overreact .
It has helped that MrZ has something to go and be in charge of. I bought him a boat and he pootles off in it to fish. He was a fisherman for many years and is highly skilled at all things boaty, so I know he will be fine and he feels good because he is passing his skills on to our children. I won't let him go on his own for safety reasons but he takes friends out and he has a VHF radio and all the emergency gubbins. He also brings me lobsters, which does no harm at all to marital relations!
Taking the dog for a long walk sounds like a great idea and should buy the rest of you some extra sleeping time.

My dog used to go bananas when he knew he was going for a walk, do you have any close neighbours? If not could you not put the dog in the garden whilst you get everything together.

Or just have everything for a walk together so you can grab everything and go.

Might it be an idea to persuade him to get a part time job (e.g. coaching children) or regular volunteering work? If it's because he's got too much energy he could be a godsend to a local charity.

If he faffs about with the dog then get him to set everything up the night before, including coat, gloves, brolly, cash, etc, so it's all to hand. For added measure give him a list of small things to get from the local or other side of town shop.

Sloth, you just can't possibly anticipate everything DH might need on a walk is the problem.

Even if he had everything he would find something else.

I don't think he'd want to do any sort of paid work. He has (don't laugh) been making noises about volunteering for Relate but I don't want to push it yet because he was very much of the "I have retired I shall never ever ever work again" mode. His last years teaching weren't easy.

The dog at 4am would work except you don't just open the door and go, you faff around for poo bags and lead and treats and then what if it rains, best take a brolly, and wallets too and last minute dash upstairs for coat. Meanwhile dog knows a walk is imminent and is barking madly with excitement.

Keep all these things downstairs by the door. His new job is to take the dog for a good 2 hour walk at 4am, without waking his family.

jesus god no I'd seriously lose my shit. You have to talk to him about this.

Well, we're all focusing on this now and I have explained a few times now that this does not work.

He also brings me lobsters, which does no harm at all to marital relations!

Love it.

Ah, just read the bit about the pre-walk faffing. Could you make a special place for all the bits he's likely to need and lay out his coat, wallet, bags etc the night before?
Does he have a skill which could be used on a voluntary basis, to help a charity or something like that? A lot of people feel really useless after retirement and being able to contribute might help.
The later part of his working life was in the building trade, and I freely admit that I've been inventing work that really needs doing, because it keeps him busy and stops him trying to help with my work (I work from home). I do have to listen to more stories about great concrete he has made than I like, but I can tune that out.

Thanks for this discussion you folks. I have a huge problem being around my father in law and a lot of this is VERY familiar. I am finding it very reassuring to 'listen in'. I have researched Asperger, anxiety and obsessive compulsive personality disorder in attempts to understand the man and his often outrageous behaviours. For me (disclaimer: no qualifications whatsoever to be going around diagnosing people) the latter fits best.

Doesn't help a great deal in dealing with it in the moment though, he has absolutely no acceptance than many of the things he says and does are unusual. Exhausting and very upsetting.

This is a retirement thing. My DH went off the rails a bit when he finally gave up working at 66. Got extra fussy, paranoid about the dog, clingy in the extreme (always wanting to know where I was/when I'd be back etc etc). I think it's to do with suddenly having more time and more energy as not using up both with his work. Also, needing to be useful/needed/functioning.

I'd suggest you try to get him some retirement counselling (or a set of golf clubs!!) ....

Good luck OP. Mine did settle down after a year or so .....

The waking your ds2 at 4am when she is facing a 12hour shift in a nursing home which is incredibly demanding is just not on. There are no excuses.
Has he apologised? Does he understand that this is dangerous if she has to drive and potentially at work too since tiredness makes her at risk of back injury and mistakes depending on her level of responsibility.
Does he understand he will drive her away? It's not good enough to say oh he retired. Does he usually have no empathy?

I feel for you all, not least your husband. We retired 'early', husband 57, me 61, like your husband mine was in a professional role which was not easy, hence early retirement. It's challenging. When one is used to a demanding job, particularly teaching which is all consuming, it's difficult to reconstruct a meaningful life. My husband achieved structure through volunteering and this gives structure to my week too since those are the days I see my friends, usually. We've been retired 3 years now and it's still a challenge!! You will get through it through open, honest but empathetic communication. PS My dad was the same, a nightmare - started manically decorating the house (my mum got a part time job at this time)!!!!!

I agree with you Florries and I also agree it's linked to retirement. But he will not hear of doing anything other than walking the dog, booking holidays and faffing at the moment.

I feel very sorry for your DD. It seems as if you're all treating him as a 'cheeky chappie' with a chuckle about him. It isn't acceptable to be getting the household up at 4am. If she can't say "dad stop it' without him thundering on at her, then from an outside perspective it looks like you have conditioned her to accept his moods.

I couldn't live with someone like this, I have the rage just reading about him. He might be lovely in other ways, but that's very easy when everyone is doing exactly what you want them to. And you can thunder at them when they don't, with the result that you carry on doing exactly what you want to do without any regard for how others feel.

Get him a job. If he's still the same I'd be concerned about early onset dementia. Some off thus seems v odd (4am is not early - it's night time - he should not be waking up then).

Get some behavioural advice so you/he can stop the dog barking when she's about to be taken for a walk.

As for your DH, maybe behavioural advice aka counselling for him too!

I was thinking maybe early dementia, or ADHD. He needs to go to the doctor, obviously, for those to be ruled out.

I don't like the sound of If you ever try "telling him" you get precisely nowhere - his way is right, so the rest of us are wrong for not getting up at 4. Maybe he IS ill or has a condition; or maybe he's just being a domineering arse.

Too slow again, sorry!- if no amount of planning will help then I think you are going to have to explain very clearly that this is upsetting everyone else and set a consequence (as with toddlers).
If he likes the idea of volunteering with Relate that sounds positive- the training takes quite a while I believe and he might learn something! Or could he be gently guided towards another area?