To be at breaking point with fussing, faffing husband

[baileysicecream]

We have two adult children - well, one adult, one nearly adult. DH retired last year.

Since then he has driven me almost to breaking point. I can't misplace anything, no matter how temporarily or fleetingly. I had a brief fumble for keys yesterday and made the mistake of "wondering" out loud where they were. DH promptly went into "panic" mode. "Where are they? Where did you last have them? Could you have left them in the car / my parents house / DDs room / DSs room / bathroom / bowels of Hell. All this time I was saying "hang on, DH, they are here somewhere. Just wait." And then "Have you found them? Have you found them? DD come here, your mother has lost her keys."

I did find them and honestly i think I'd have located them in thirty seconds if it wasn't for DH.

DS likes to drive now he's passed his test and I'm seriously worried DH is going to cause an accident. Yesterday we were coming out of a supermarket and a car was approaching the red traffic lights so DS pulled out. DH let out an almighty squeal and tried to "fling" his body in front of DS, which is touching in a weird way, but DS obviously had to slam on the brakes and luckily for us we had an understanding lady behind us and P plates on the car. DH just kept saying "sorry, sorry, I didn't realise" but that's not the point, even if the lights hadn't been on red both DS and the other car were going slowly and any real damage unlikely. It's like he just reacts.

He's always woken early but lately it's beyond a joke. 4 am and he's crashing around, letting the dog upstairs so she runs into DD and DSs rooms licking them and wanting to play. When they object DH keeps thundering about getting up early being wonderful and how they are missing the best part of the day. Both of them have summer jobs and DD started crying yesterday as she was on 8-8 in a nursing home and was exhausted as her dad woke her up and she couldn't get back to sleep.

I know these examples must sound ridiculous but it's having a horrendous impact on family life. It's like living with an exuberant toddler.

The 4am waking is so beyond acceptable .
The fact you have pleaded, cried , screamed at him ( I don't blame you )
And he STILL does it is so far from normal I don't know what to say.

And the bit you said about even if he did take the dog straight out in the early morning , the dog would bark with excitement and your dh would still faff - the is is not normal at all.

The dog needs to be trained not to bark for a start. The country is full of households where one person quietly gets up and quietly takes the quiet family dog out for a walk. Why can't he see that ?

I don't know if I could stand this much longer if I were you OP

How old is he? I took early retirement last year at age 54 but I have become much more relaxed about things. It is my still working DH who gets up too early. I did have to work on finding things to do and it has taken me a year to find things I enjoy doing to fill my time. Is it possible your DH just hasn't got enough to keep his mind occupied so he is fretting over silly things?

DD was tearfully trying to say "it's okay ... but, Dad, please stop ..."

But it's not okay.

Can you all sit down over a meal and discuss this properly? And if he refuses to engage then I'd be rethinking how long I was prepared to put up with it.

I know many retired people (many teachers), mostly women. And this does not resonate as anything to do with retirement or age. Just either his inherent personality not being checked or sadly, the possible start of something.

My DH has had to get up early for years and years. He very, very rarely wakes me up.

I'm with Lunch. If you screaming and yelling hasn't worked (assuming thats not how you generally communicate with your loved ones), I don't know what to say.

I couldn't live like this. If he's not prepared to listen or address things with his family, and you don't want to leave him, then you just have to carry on and accept that your DD will be woken at 4am and that you have to accept his faffing.

Good point porcinegrappler

In the car example, he clearly cares deeply about DS but is unable to see that DS is driving the car not him.

In the getting up at 4am - he thinks this is the 'best part of the day' - but is unable to see that no-one else does.

It does sound like someone experiencing 2 major shocks in their life: retirement and children growing up, and falling into a significant anxiety disorder as a result. His life doesn't sound a particularly happy place to be right now (except the dog) - convulsed by anxiety about the traumatic loss of keys, nobody liking him despite his increasingly desperate attempts to take care of them.

How to make him see there is a problem is the key but not sure how to do it - GP may be the answer but he may not go, and GP may not pick up on it. You would definitely have to go with him and do a lot of explaining.

Do you ever manage to discuss this when he isn't actively driving you mad?

shouting and screaming haven't worked. he's acting like a toddler. so your only recourse is consequences.

i think the most important problem to sort out is the early rising one, because without enough sleep no-one can cope well.

can he sleep in his own room? what time is he going to bed? what is the consequence of him waking everyone up? there has to be a negative consequence FOR HIM if he wakes someone up. i don't know what that could be, maybe you have some ideas?

This is why they invented sheds - he needs something to do - can you find him some volunteering stuff - railways, fundraising, running marathons or something

If he's talked about volunteering for Relate then he's at least aware of the benefit of relationship counselling. Would he consider going along with you to see a counsellor? I don't think it'll fix this by itself but it might at least get him to recognise that there's a problem here to be fixed?

He's used to being right so of course is going to look round the room in astonishment when he's put on the spot. He's astonished you've forgotten that he's right!

Screaming won't work, you just prove to him how unreasonable you are and he'll carry on.

Talking to him might not work either, it depends how deeply resistant he is to feeling he might be wrong. Perhaps DD could stay at a friend's house a couple of nights a week to get some sleep. This also might be a good consequence for him, if you can make him understand she has temporarily moved out to avoid his obnoxious, selfish behaviour.

Can I congratulate you on not killing or evicting him yet!!

This is why they invented sheds

Exactly. And if you have a shed, tell him it's falling apart and a new one is needed. Or failing that, buy a flipping glasshouse.

Anything to get him outside tinkering with something.

I wonder if he has OCD? Not the term used lightly but seriously. Work places appreciate someone with attention to detail and an urgency to get things done perfectly and quickly but home life should be more relaxed!

I was thinking of early dementia

It must e very trying for you, but I agree that he needs a medical checkup

In addition, yy father developed depression after early retirement

my not 'yy'

Could be difficulty adjusting to retirement but a solid volunteering role would address that.

Could be early dementia but all you can do if he won't go to GP is log all incidents to identify a pattern.

What jumped out at me was prolonged tough period at work followed by major life change. Its not at all unusual for periods of prolonged stress take effect after a change.

It doesn't matter if the change is for good simply a major change like retirement can trigger the breakdown/illness. What you describe is not just normal faffing - the lack of awareness, consideration and bouts of terseness are exactly what I've seen in this situation (close family member).

If he won't go to GP and you have a decent GP then you may need to go yourself to discuss what to do before it gets event worse or causes serious rifts in the family.

He actually wants everybody up at 4, it is not just him crashing around. Perhaps having people up and around keeps anxiety at bay for him.

"Most of all, don't be blackmailed by the thought either he can't help it or he's ill. Maybe so, but the bad behaviour can still stop'

Sorry, that statement is staggeringly ignorant about MH. Not with an investigation of what's going on, a diagnosis and outside help it won't,

Is your DH healthy and does he take any type of medication? I'm asking because he retired quite young (most teachers continue until 65) and his behaviour sounds quite extreme. A trip to the GP might be useful to check everything is ok.

If my DH kept waking me at 4am for no good reason, I'd be insisting on him taking sedatives or filing for divorce.

... and whoever said it leaked what they really thought by calling it 'bad behaviour'

Amidst all the abusive men when know about and deplore. There are some with mental health problems

we know about, sorry. Angry typing

He needs to see the GP He sounds like he has terrible anxiety.
I sometimes wake and get up at 4am. It's not that hard to go downstairs and be quiet I make a drink an watch TV or play online till at least 8 when everyone else starts to wake.
Stick him in the backseat when Ds drives and make rules, no talking grabbing jumping or he will cause a car accident. If he can't "behave" tell Ds not to drive him anywhere.

Sounds as if the upshot is that he completely dominates the household

Crumbs Your dh sounds incredibly efficient!

DH retired last year.

This ^^ he needs something to do to keep him occupied to tire him out to keep his mind off simple silly things and he's not the only one i know of a lot of others.

I was supposed the retied last year however I've taken on the running of a company plus the others, never worked so much and I'm I think more "alive" now that i was before!.

Sere if there's a charity volunteer thing he can do ?, there's a preserved steam railway not a million miles from here I know of someone who works there, he went just the same way retired and was bored simple as that now he's a train guard and OK he's a bit full of it but it keeps him out from under her feet:)

He's now a revered figure with his male grandchildren and other relatives, they think he secretly runs the Hogwarts express!

Furthermore I know of a small company delivering quarry products most all of their staff are post 60 most retied got bored and came back to work now happy as pigs in poo!

TimeforTea I think this goes with him having serious anxiety problems - and not being able to understand other people are separate from him.

He cannot stay asleep beyond 4am - this is new and not normal for him, although he has always tended on the early side.

But he can't just get up quietly, make a cup of tea and go out for a long walk with the dog. He needs his whole network around him to feel calm, even though this is going to impact negatively on those doing 12 hour shifts. Everyone must be awake.

He has perhaps rationalized this with his long held belief that mornings are the 'best part of the day' - but that was 6 am not 4am Yet mysteriously these other beings in his house hate him for it. Why, when he loves them sooo much?

There is massive change in his world, he can't cope with it and all his strategies to make it better - 'faffing' just make it worse.