Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be at breaking point with fussing, faffing husband

209 replies

baileysicecream · 30/07/2017 09:59

We have two adult children - well, one adult, one nearly adult. DH retired last year.

Since then he has driven me almost to breaking point. I can't misplace anything, no matter how temporarily or fleetingly. I had a brief fumble for keys yesterday and made the mistake of "wondering" out loud where they were. DH promptly went into "panic" mode. "Where are they? Where did you last have them? Could you have left them in the car / my parents house / DDs room / DSs room / bathroom / bowels of Hell. All this time I was saying "hang on, DH, they are here somewhere. Just wait." And then "Have you found them? Have you found them? DD come here, your mother has lost her keys."

I did find them and honestly i think I'd have located them in thirty seconds if it wasn't for DH.

DS likes to drive now he's passed his test and I'm seriously worried DH is going to cause an accident. Yesterday we were coming out of a supermarket and a car was approaching the red traffic lights so DS pulled out. DH let out an almighty squeal and tried to "fling" his body in front of DS, which is touching in a weird way, but DS obviously had to slam on the brakes and luckily for us we had an understanding lady behind us and P plates on the car. DH just kept saying "sorry, sorry, I didn't realise" but that's not the point, even if the lights hadn't been on red both DS and the other car were going slowly and any real damage unlikely. It's like he just reacts.

He's always woken early but lately it's beyond a joke. 4 am and he's crashing around, letting the dog upstairs so she runs into DD and DSs rooms licking them and wanting to play. When they object DH keeps thundering about getting up early being wonderful and how they are missing the best part of the day. Both of them have summer jobs and DD started crying yesterday as she was on 8-8 in a nursing home and was exhausted as her dad woke her up and she couldn't get back to sleep.

I know these examples must sound ridiculous but it's having a horrendous impact on family life. It's like living with an exuberant toddler.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 30/07/2017 10:14

I think he needs to see his GP as well. Something's not right.

Original poster
baileysicecream · 30/07/2017 10:15

I am realising as I type this that yes, he has always been like this but it's exacerbated since retiring.

So with the waking at 4 am, it used to be between 5:30-6 am. He would try to wake DD with a cup of tea that she would just ignore and go back to sleep. He would then go and mark some books or similar (he was a teacher.)

I used to think him waking early was wonderful when the children were small. You know those threads that appear about lie ins? I never had to worry about that. Ha! It's coming back to bite me now.

The fussing has got much worse, definitely. I've suggested a visit to the GP (I was worried about the start of dementia to be honest) but he insists he's fine.

If you ever try "telling him" you get precisely nowhere - his way is right, so the rest of us are wrong for not getting up at 4.

OP posts:
HipsterHunter · 30/07/2017 10:16

@baileysicecream goodness that sounds terrible.

Has there been a change in his personality? It sounds like mental health issues or some kind of dementia the way he is so anxious.

DownUdderer · 30/07/2017 10:16

My dad has greatly benefited from being in charge of what he calls 'the boy's'. He arranges a night out once a fortnight or month and a walking group.

Leilaniii · 30/07/2017 10:17

He sounds like a stereotypical retired person of a certain age. I know loads of older people like this. Fussing over the smallest thing, panicking about absolute nonsense, waking everyone up because if you are not up at 5am (like them) you're a lazy good-for-nothing.

He sounds like a classic case.

Leilaniii · 30/07/2017 10:18

Just to add, can he get himself a part-time job of some sort? It might help if he has something to focus on.

aintnothinbutagstring · 30/07/2017 10:21

He shouldn't be allowed to ride with your ds driving, as a new driver myself I'd go ballistic if someone threw themselves at me while driving, it's not sweet it's stupidly dangerous.

coldcanary · 30/07/2017 10:21

My dad did similar when he retired - I think it must be the fear of being 'useless' now they're not working so they're over compensating at home.
He needs a hobby and fast - encourage him out of the house as much as possible, some project at home or free online courses (future learn have some good ones).
And give your Daughter permission to scream fuck off at him the next time he wakes her up at 4. That's just bloody rude.

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 30/07/2017 10:22

Maybe a sit down with both children explaining how tired they are? I'm afraid I'd be doing the teacher bollocking thing, perhaps he'd respond to that? You can't carry on like that. Could the kids have locks on their doors so he can't send the dog in? It's extremely unfair to be disturbed at 4am.

Original poster
baileysicecream · 30/07/2017 10:22

He's in a walking group and the dog was a retirement present to him, from him Smile I wasn't expecting to be smitten but she is a darling. I think the dog is the only thing stopping me throwing him off a bridge at the moment!

I think the problem is, all his worst qualities are being exacerbated. DD bears the brunt of him waking up early because she's politer and more malleable generally than DS, who would probably tell his DDad to fuck off and start world war 3, and she's always been close to her dad. When I saw her in tears over him that jolted me as she's always been his staunch defender.

He does have numerous lovely, lovely qualities. Picked DD up from a party and dropped some of her friends off because it was tipping down with rain. DD is a keen horse rider and he's the one who takes her to the stables. He misses the mark occasionally but the kids do adore him. I came across a book in DSs room and asked if he'd like me to donate it to his Dad's old school and he was adamant I couldn't because "my dad gave it to me" (and DS is the least sentimental person I know.)

Underneath all the faffing is a lovely man. But the faffing makes us all irritable and so it's getting to the point where those feelings of genuine affection for him are masked by irritability.

OP posts:
Crumbs1 · 30/07/2017 10:22

Hah, it's why I won't let my husband retire! He has struggled with the children becoming adult and making their own decisions in case of problems. He is a brilliant father and husband who likes to make sure everything is sorted and problems are solved.
He does exactly the same if I can't find my keys. I make a cup of tea and let him search. He found our son losing his passport so, so stressful and emailed or phoned me constantly to remind him. (Son would not have received constant reminders well).
The answer is a 70 hour a week job that keeps him too busy to interfere too much and a few high maintenance jobs around the house like the pool and hot tub that need careful regulation of the chemicals and filter cleaning. Open fires are another good thing for men like this as is a vintage car.

RhubardGin · 30/07/2017 10:23

He doesn't sound very well mentally.

The situations you've described aren't normal.

Have you tried to sit your DH down and talk about your concerns and how is recent behaviour is worrying and impacting on the family negatively?

If my OH starting acting like this I would be concerned, not pissed off Confused

HipsterHunter · 30/07/2017 10:23

Just seen your update. Your poor DDs! So he's always tried to wake them up early? Maybe they should start coming back home drunk st 2am and going into his bedroom and getting some minimal techno on "come on dad, it's the best part of the day "

Even if you do think that gettinguo at 4.30 is great, almost every adult would recognise that it isn't fair to inflict that on other people who don't share that view.

Can you have a calm, frank talk? Along the lines of "I'm worried about you because of x y z. It seems like you're struggling, would you consider seeing the he GP? No, you're fine? Ok well in that case you're an inconsiderate twat and I can't live with someone who has so little regard for other people. These things are red lines (waking people up at 4am etc) if you continue to do these I will leave you"

April229 · 30/07/2017 10:24

Could you encourage him to get a focus outside of the house, perhaps something that started early! A hobby even.

I would sit him down and talk to him though and explain the impact and that things need to chance.

Original poster
baileysicecream · 30/07/2017 10:24

I would be happy for the kids to have locks but the dog would just scratch at the door and whine outside so waking everyone anyway. She's an absolutely gorgeous dog and we all love her but not at 4am!

OP posts:
Tilapia · 30/07/2017 10:24

Ok, you must find a way to deal with the 4am thing if he refuses to admit he's wrong. Treat him like a toddler and remove a privilege when he does it! What can you think of that he would really miss? You could refuse to cook anything for him that day?

HipsterHunter · 30/07/2017 10:25

Argh missed your third update! I'm back to thinking he doesn't sound in good mental health and I'd be really worried about dimentia.

Original poster
baileysicecream · 30/07/2017 10:25

Crumbs, you have made me smile - he suddenly gasped and clutched DDs arm in anguish the other day. She looked horrified and thought something unspeakably awful had happened.

"DD! Have you ordered a new bank card?"

She'd lost her debit card and ordered a new one - that was IT! She said "but I only mentioned it to him, Mum!" Hmm

OP posts:
SukiTheDog · 30/07/2017 10:30

Retiring can be a huge shock. He sounds to be distressed and anxious, to me. Can he be oersuaded to visit his GP? Impossible, I expect but, might be worth a try.

He needs to adjust. Or do some voluntary work or other "focus" until he can calm the fuck down. Maybe, have a house meeting and tell it like it is? Seriously, anxiety is a terrible condition. He needs TLC but must be SO difficult to live with Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/07/2017 10:30

I get up incredibly early as well especially as winter draws in. I tip toe around like a mouse. I can go inside bedrooms, open windows to take advantage of the early morning cool temperatures in the summer and not wake anyone. The dog would be equally enthusiastic to wake dd and dh if I let him. Much as I get your dh cannot be as quiet as me, he can be normally quiet. He doesn't have to wake anyone else up or let the dog jump on anyone.

Honestly you need to sit him down and give him an ultimatum of being quiet or living alone. Because that's where he's headed right now.

Luncharmstrong · 30/07/2017 10:31

Can you give more examples ?
He sounds alarmingly like my not retired DP

GreenTulips · 30/07/2017 10:31

Sounds like a bored toddler attempting to wake his playmates

My DH is a faff now! God help me when he retires!!

He does the key thing - I try and keep any 'emergencies' away from him so he doesn't make the situation worse with his antics

I've had to put my foot down on severally occasions - because it's just horrible!

LovelyBath77 · 30/07/2017 10:32

Hmm. I have seen early morning waking is a first sign of depression, and he does sound anxious. Is his mood low, or OK? It is a big change retirement as well. Does he have hobbies or things to distract himself with?

Maybe some CBT might help him? To start with or yes the GP. Good luck. I have anxiety too and it can be very difficult. I find mindfulness helpful. It sound like he is 'catastrophising' so seeing small problems are much bigger, (like the keys0 and this is spiralling a bit). Not easy.

Leilaniii · 30/07/2017 10:32

Do you find that he's getting stingier as well? Not suggesting anything, just wondering, as all the people I know like this seemed to get more and more miserly.

Lanaorana2 · 30/07/2017 10:34

Oh dear, OP, he's a nightmare. Flowers

and for DC too.

Don't let him in the front seat again. Stand your ground when you tell him why.

Do anything to get him out of the house - good for you all. Talk to his GP for him, if he won't go.

Most of all, don't be blackmailed by the thought either he can't help it or he's ill. Maybe so, but the bad behaviour can still stop,