To be at breaking point with fussing, faffing husband

[baileysicecream]

We have two adult children - well, one adult, one nearly adult. DH retired last year.

Since then he has driven me almost to breaking point. I can't misplace anything, no matter how temporarily or fleetingly. I had a brief fumble for keys yesterday and made the mistake of "wondering" out loud where they were. DH promptly went into "panic" mode. "Where are they? Where did you last have them? Could you have left them in the car / my parents house / DDs room / DSs room / bathroom / bowels of Hell. All this time I was saying "hang on, DH, they are here somewhere. Just wait." And then "Have you found them? Have you found them? DD come here, your mother has lost her keys."

I did find them and honestly i think I'd have located them in thirty seconds if it wasn't for DH.

DS likes to drive now he's passed his test and I'm seriously worried DH is going to cause an accident. Yesterday we were coming out of a supermarket and a car was approaching the red traffic lights so DS pulled out. DH let out an almighty squeal and tried to "fling" his body in front of DS, which is touching in a weird way, but DS obviously had to slam on the brakes and luckily for us we had an understanding lady behind us and P plates on the car. DH just kept saying "sorry, sorry, I didn't realise" but that's not the point, even if the lights hadn't been on red both DS and the other car were going slowly and any real damage unlikely. It's like he just reacts.

He's always woken early but lately it's beyond a joke. 4 am and he's crashing around, letting the dog upstairs so she runs into DD and DSs rooms licking them and wanting to play. When they object DH keeps thundering about getting up early being wonderful and how they are missing the best part of the day. Both of them have summer jobs and DD started crying yesterday as she was on 8-8 in a nursing home and was exhausted as her dad woke her up and she couldn't get back to sleep.

I know these examples must sound ridiculous but it's having a horrendous impact on family life. It's like living with an exuberant toddler.

I doubt he'd go for CBT or anything like that.

He is stingy but in peculiar ways. Won't pay for parking but then will buy something we don't need just because it is cheap or on offer.

I can't even open a drawer without DP asking what I'm looking for.
He also wakes me up when I want to lie in

Do you think perhaps he's struggling with retirement? Even possibly a bit depressed? I only say that because depression symptoms can include waking up early/not being able to sleep and small trivial things can trigger major stress/anxiety in someone who is depressed.

I do sympathise though; my mum hasn't worked for a good few years and it baffles me the things she has time to worry about... she can contemplate for hours and have full on major discussions that would put the united nations to shame over the most trivial things that are of no consequence.

Treat him like a toddler and remove a privilege when he does it!
Or get him a gro-clock

Surely the answer here is to take the dog on a really long walk in the mornings ? It's so peaceful and lovely in the mornings and sets you up for the day... and would avoid the worst behaviour you mentioned.

Sounds like you need to sit down as a family and make it clear how much of a negative impact his behaviour is having. Waking everyone else up at 4am is not on especially as others are working. 4am is still the middle of the night ffs if DH was selfish enough to do that he'd only bloody do it once here!

A sticker chart? One gold ⭐️ for NOT allowing his anxiety issues to disrupt the entire household and one gold ⭐️ keeping calm. It reminds me of Catherine Tate and her character who shrieks each time the Christmas lights flash (sorry, can't do link).

Open fires and a vintage car - absolutely brilliant and so true !

You need to get your 2 kids on your side, sit him down and say "dad you are absolutely forbidden to wake us up or bring the dog to our rooms "

If you ever try "telling him" you get precisely nowhere - his way is right, so the rest of us are wrong for not getting up at 4.

But surely he's aware that out in the big wide world no-one gets up at 4 unless they're insomniac or unless they have to?

I think you have to make it clear to him that his behaviour is badly affecting the quality of life of the whole family, and that if he won't change it he is going to have to move out. I know it's extreme, but you need to get through to him.

Hiho... Cracking idea!

A lot of this sounds like my dad. I don't live with him but he'd often start ringing at 8am at weekends, hammering on the door and windows by 9 (OK it's not 4am but when your work shifts are 2pm-midnight it feels like it)

Also the constant being right, endless dramatisation of trivial things, ignoring and blustering if you try and discuss it.

He also leaned right over me to beep and shout abuse out of my window when I was a new driver.

There is more to it but I'm pretty much NC now. Sad to say but there was no benefit to having him in my life.

My dad went like this when he retired. We didnt live there as i was 38 and just had ds.

It was a nightmare for mum. Great for me. When she got pissed off he would come to mine and watch ds while i napped. But ge did become a worrier.

Like his brain needed something more to do and without this he brain started stressing instead.

He found himself a part-time but responsible job, similar to what he did. He ended up studying in his new job and now gets paid really well. He has settled at home as well.

Mum is loads happier.

As for waking DD he needs to be told all that packs in now. I am and early riser. I get up between 4 and 6. Great for dh as he always gets to sleep in. But i make sure the dog goes out in the garden and then stays with me in the living room. I am quiet and never wake anyone else up.

I get ready for work about 6am and have yet to wake up dh, dd (13) or ds (6). I have been doing over 2 years.

Waking everyone else is reallu shitty.

If he's always been like this i wonder if he has undiagnosed Aspergers or similar. He sounds so like my dad - anxious and obsessive about things but often oblivious to other people's thoughts and feelings.
My dad was one of the "get up at the crack of dawn - don't waste the day" and was always astonished at the notion that my mum didn't want to do the same and works do his best to get her up anyway with noise, questions etc. The neighbours world complain about him mowing the lawn at 6am on a Sunday but he was adamant there was nothing wrong with that.
He would get anxious to the point of aggression about certain rituals (locking up or things being tidied away in the direct places in the correct order) but other, more obvious stuff would pass him by. For example he showed zero concern for how his teenage daughters getting home safely in the evenings and refused to have a carpet replaced because "there was nothing wrong with it" (there was a huge hole in it and he grudgingly agreed only after our cleaning lady tripped on it and feel and made remarks about industrial injury!)
Very very hard to live with.

I'm now in the process of my son being referred for suspected mild ASD and/or ADHD so have done lots of reading and OMG my dad is textbook Aspergers.
On the other hand if your H has only recently changed it might be anxiety triggered by a change in life (retirement? Health scare? Kids leaving home?)

On a practical level if he can't be trusted as a passenger in the front seat then he has to sit in the back ( -with an iPad with peppa pig on repeat- )

Don't think the strike through worked.

Maybe he could take the dog out early or at least not bother the children by waking them. Have you said to him about that, sometimes they don't think. My dad is like that too, doesn't think of others at time.s

Do think it is quite funny him having to sit in the back, in a way! But he could be a danger if he behaves like that.

I think it's taken me a long time to adjust to my husband's retirement - not quite sure if I've got there.

What seems relevant to your situation is:-

• My husband's energy used to be taken up by a demanding job and parenting his younger family. Once the job went and the children grew up there was a question of what to do with all that energy. How much should go on his own projects? How much should we do things together as a couple?

• His getting older. He has one or two aches and pains that he didn't used to have, and sometimes goes into denial and overdoes things.

• At the moment I am working more outside the house. (I used to work mainly from home.) A bit more absence makes the heart grow slightly fonder.

• I've been clear about the fact I need space from him, though I also want us to do enjoyable things together.

• I have also told him about the way some of his new interests -in particular, us starting a small business from home - have to be done in a way that doesn't completely disrupt our domestic life.

• The differences in our temperaments seem to have become more apparent as we have got older and are less bogged down in the hard work of bringing up young children. Though there is still plenty we have in common.

There have been times when I've wondered when counselling might help.

Good luck!

Sorry OP, but PMSL at the gro-clock idea .

My MIL (no, I'm not bashing her!) got a bit this way when she retired - also a retired teacher maybe it's from years of herding cats kids?
All joking aside, this sounds like a fucking nightmare challenging.
The waking dd up stuck out at me - I used to work 12 hr shifts as a nurse and it's very demanding mentally and physically - you can't do it on broken sleep. You just can't. I'm not surprised the poor girl was in tears. Could you speak to H about wanting Dd to be at her peak at work, work ethic blah blah - if he's a a retired teacher surely he understands how important it is to be alert at work?
As for ds and the driving situation, he'll put him off driving - that's not fair on him.
He may well be lovely apart from all this, but currently he's interfering with dd's job, and almost caused an accident for your p plates son, those are 2 serious things. Something needs to give - hopefully it won't be your dd getting fired because she's too tired to work effectively.

Christ. Don't tell me it gets worse.

The world stopped yesterday afternoon because.... I had unlocked the back door with the emergency/back-up key. Not the normal key.

How did it get there? Who moved it from the key store? Where was the normal key? And endless waffle about the dangers of using the emergency key for non-emergencies 🙄

At first I thought he might be unwell, but the more I read, the more I think he is very selfish. It's easy to be lovely when everyone is doing what you want, but as you've already said, if your son tells him to fuck of for waking him up there's an argument. I think you need to tell him straight that he's behaving in a selfish manner when he's trying to dictate to the rest of the family how they should behave. If he continues to behave like this the children will end up resenting him. Your poor daughter.

I thought the same as pp, could he take the dog for a walk, rather than waking everyone else up. Seriously, this sounds very difficult behaviour to live with.

I do think retirement must be quite an adjustment all around when someone has been used to a busy working life, and I guess the meaning or status that it gave them.

I don't know what to suggest OP. It sounds like extreme anxiety to me. GP would be my first suggestion. If he is saying that he is fine, tell him that the rest of you are not. I don't mean that in an unkind way towards him, because anxiety is horrible. But this is difficult for all of you too, and something needs to change.

I think the 4 of you should sit down and have a good civilised family meeting. Ask everyone to prepare points they wish to raise in advance. The letting the dog wake everyone at 4.00am is absolutely unacceptable. He needs to stop that right now.

Likewise he should be banned from the car if he can't control himself. He sounds like a good man with a very overactive brain who is becoming a wee bit self obsessed as a result of retirement / boredom etc.

Mine isn't miserly in the slightest and just throws money to solve children's 'problems '.
Daughter and boyfriend moved into their first house yesterday and we went across to help. Their tiny front garden was not to husband's exacting standards and young couple had no gardening equipment. I popped to M&S to fetch sandwiches and whilst we sat on boxes eating he drove to Homebase to buy a hedge trimmer, secateurs, a bin store, a standard bay tree in a tub and a prefilled ceramic planter for a spot of colour. In fairness, the front of the house looked much better but they would eventually have got there.
Later that day removal man was finishing and money was being discussed. Young couple had agreed to cash but forgotten to get the £400 out on journey so suggested bank transfer. Chap had reduced cost by 25% for cash and had gone over and beyond. Instead of sending boyfriend to bank, husband rushes off and comes back with £600. He gives £400 to removal chap, pops to builders who are renovating three doors down and slips them an amount for use of their skip - then removes all dismantled wardrobes to said skip. Then uses rest of cash to negotiate use of a parking space at rear of shop over the road from the house. It's a city centre property with no parking just permits. Definitely not stingy and sometimes the faffing gets things sorted.