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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be at breaking point with fussing, faffing husband

209 replies

baileysicecream · 30/07/2017 09:59

We have two adult children - well, one adult, one nearly adult. DH retired last year.

Since then he has driven me almost to breaking point. I can't misplace anything, no matter how temporarily or fleetingly. I had a brief fumble for keys yesterday and made the mistake of "wondering" out loud where they were. DH promptly went into "panic" mode. "Where are they? Where did you last have them? Could you have left them in the car / my parents house / DDs room / DSs room / bathroom / bowels of Hell. All this time I was saying "hang on, DH, they are here somewhere. Just wait." And then "Have you found them? Have you found them? DD come here, your mother has lost her keys."

I did find them and honestly i think I'd have located them in thirty seconds if it wasn't for DH.

DS likes to drive now he's passed his test and I'm seriously worried DH is going to cause an accident. Yesterday we were coming out of a supermarket and a car was approaching the red traffic lights so DS pulled out. DH let out an almighty squeal and tried to "fling" his body in front of DS, which is touching in a weird way, but DS obviously had to slam on the brakes and luckily for us we had an understanding lady behind us and P plates on the car. DH just kept saying "sorry, sorry, I didn't realise" but that's not the point, even if the lights hadn't been on red both DS and the other car were going slowly and any real damage unlikely. It's like he just reacts.

He's always woken early but lately it's beyond a joke. 4 am and he's crashing around, letting the dog upstairs so she runs into DD and DSs rooms licking them and wanting to play. When they object DH keeps thundering about getting up early being wonderful and how they are missing the best part of the day. Both of them have summer jobs and DD started crying yesterday as she was on 8-8 in a nursing home and was exhausted as her dad woke her up and she couldn't get back to sleep.

I know these examples must sound ridiculous but it's having a horrendous impact on family life. It's like living with an exuberant toddler.

OP posts:
Anecdoche · 30/07/2017 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 30/07/2017 13:55

How does retirement cause you to not seem to have any idea about anyone but yourself?

My husband often gets up at 5am.

Nobody notices it at all.

Why would retireent suddenly make him incapable of being quiet?

Hulder · 30/07/2017 14:01

Sprinklestar we have the same. The wives came along and the sons drifted away.

It was not the fault of the wives, they just shone a light on the dynamic. MIL had been enabling it a long while 'he's just like that'. Turned out, their house wasn't a pleasant place to spend time.

Now no-one spends much time there except us - we've drawn the short straw as no kids and medical so go there to sort out his health problems. MIL would love to see her grandkids more often but even before dementia, it just didn't happen as they weren't enjoyable to be around. MIL could have had completely different relationships with her adult kids if she hadn't spent 40 years enabling this crap.

LockedOutOfMN · 30/07/2017 14:03

As others have said, his behaviour is not entirely unusual for someone who's recently retired. That said, YANBU to be irritated by him.

He needs some hobbies that take him outside the house and tire him out so that his focus isn't 100% on his grown up and capable family.

Sprinklestar · 30/07/2017 14:10

Exactly Hulder. MIL is a clever woman but I despair of her putting up with this crap. They rub along ok but holiday separately, sleep in separate beds, more companions than a loving couple (unlike my DM and her DH). It's like MIL has accepted this is her lot in life. Sad really.

Miserylovescompany2 · 30/07/2017 14:47

I think before he can address the impact his behaviours are having on others, he needs firstly to acknowledge that this a problem that only he can rectify. Otherwise this will GROW!

Sit everyone down. Let everyone have their say. Make sure he's fully aware that this can NOT continue...

His routine has dramatically altered since retiring - he now has copious amounts of free time - he needs to be proactive in filling this.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 30/07/2017 14:58

OP no advice but this is exactly like my dad and I am 99% sure he has ASD. A GP once suggested it to him but he dismissed it as "nonsense".

My dad had strict routines that everyone needed to follow, eg lights out at 9pm but he'd be up at 5 singing "Morning has broken" at the top of his lungs. He would totally dominate discussions which tended to revolve around his specific interests, which are highly technical (military aviation, eg). Time for him is divided into "doing chores" or "getting stuff done", and "skiving". There is no such thing as relaxing. He has elaborate routines around brushing his teeth (many different products, must be the right ones - big panic when he visited and I had cool mint Listerine instead of original - was it really Listerine, he'd never heard of it before, was I sure etc) or faffing before going anywhere - has to brush teeth, use loo about 2-3 times, check weather, double check coins for parking etc etc.

The thing with driving really rang bells too - only the other weekend he gased sharply as I was reversing into the drive - I thought someone had walked behind the car or something - but no, I hadn't checked my mirrors and I would fail my test if I drove like that! I am 38 and passed my test some time ago.....

Anyhow he and DM are divorced and I see him about twice a year for a long weekend. One of my sisters is NC and the others see him for similar amounts of time.

He loves his family and it is really sad but it is such a bloody ordeal.

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 30/07/2017 16:10

DD was tearfully trying to say "it's okay ... but, Dad, please stop ..."

Ok firstly you need to have a chat with DD and give her permission to be blunt with her Dad. Stop appeasing him. He's risking her job and her safety by disrupting her sleep and that is just completely unacceptable. (Or is that what he wants - her to be jobless, at home and reliant on him again? Keep her in a child like role rather than acknowledge she's an adult?). I agree the idea of her going to stay at a friends cos his behaviour is so bad is a good one - she'll get some sleep and he will have to face up to the fact she could permanently move out soon.

Also unacceptable to be so disruptive while your Ds is driving, that's SO dangerous!! He needs rules for being in the car!

It could be aSD, anxiety or early dementia or he could just be a selfish bored arse who has no interest in anybody else's needs. Either way I agree that full on family meetings are needed to spell out and keep spelling out how ridiculous his behaviour is becoming. He may not want to see GP but he can't keep being allowed to put your children at risk like this.

Hulder · 30/07/2017 16:20

Sprinklestar has reminded me of the car behaviour. First time I had the pleasure Hmm of driving MIL and FIL he fussed so much - mind that car, oooooh it's close, look someone's coming, watch the lights, what speed are you going?- that I pulled over and refused to drive any further unless he was quiet.

There was a deathly silence as clearly no-one had ever tried such a tactic before - I did weigh it up for sometime before going for it but I was inspired by Mumsnet and threads about taking toddlers to the park Grin

He started up once more, but a quick bit of braking and a hard stare and he managed to wind his neck in.

He's never done it to me again.

InvisibleCities · 30/07/2017 16:30

Help your DD and DS put locks on their bedroom doors.

MissWimpyDimple · 30/07/2017 16:34

My dad is/was very similar.

Ultimately he was diagnosed with Parkinsons many many years later and they thought it had been simmering in the background for a long time.

MissWimpyDimple · 30/07/2017 16:36

Oh and we have always been convinced he is on the ASD scale somewhere too. It's hard to live with. My Dmum is a flipping saint.

theporcinegrappler · 30/07/2017 16:38

There was a deathly silence as clearly no-one had ever tried such a tactic before
Those who get what they want by intimidation (so that no one stands up to them for fear of an unpleasant scene) seem to forget that (as pp have pointed out) ultimately this kind of behavior will drive people away.

It's as if they are stuck in a time when people felt far more obligated to their parents than they do these day

IdentifiesAsYoda · 30/07/2017 16:39

diddl

I think that to answer your question, when people go through big life changes, like retirement, what resources they've had to cope with things like dementia are absent, so it uncovers things that were already there. I imagine it's the same with ASD and anxiety

kingjofferyworksintescos · 30/07/2017 17:20

Reading your responses , it really sounds like he is high functioning autistic and with the stress of major change i.e. Retirement and lack of routine has caused the behaviours to exacerbated , poor you , all of you , you need help but it's so difficult when someone like your DH cannot see that he has a problemFlowersGin

JaneEyre70 · 30/07/2017 18:45

I didn't mean to cause any offence OP, and I apologise for doing so. I was just very shocked that he's being allowed to get away with waking up your poor kids. I agree with another PP that said about locks on their doors, and ear plugs. Your DD was appeasing him not only by getting up but also by saying it's ok dad and that's just as learned a behaviour as his. She needs to actually tell him how angry she is, and the effect it's going to have on her day.

Are you prepared to sit him down, all of you together and say if this carries on, he's going to have to sleep somewhere else as this has gone too far and it is affecting you all very greatly. And mean it - I am sure a well meaning relative would help if you explained the situation to them. If he can't do that, given the opportunity, then you sadly have a much more serious problem on hand.

Leilaniii · 31/07/2017 11:45

Reading your responses , it really sounds like he is high functioning autistic.

FGS, can't anybody have anything wrong with them that is not almost immediately diagnosed as autism on this site? I feel so sorry for parents of children with autism, really I do. And this constant over-zealous diagnosis of any kind of 'quirk' as being 'autistic' or 'on the spectrum' kind of undermines people, and parents of these people, who are genuinely struggling with these conditions.

echt · 31/07/2017 11:52

FGS, can't anybody have anything wrong with them that is not almost immediately diagnosed as autism on this site? I feel so sorry for parents of children with autism, really I do. And this constant over-zealous diagnosis of any kind of 'quirk' as being 'autistic' or 'on the spectrum' kind of undermines people, and parents of these people, who are genuinely struggling with these conditions

Would you feel better if they said, might have mental health problems?

SerfTerf · 31/07/2017 11:54

Autism isn't "MH problems" @echt

FWIW, OP, it sounds like anxiety-driven behaviour.

echt · 31/07/2017 11:57

SerfTerf, my point isn't about the clinical diagnosis, but about the labelling, which can be advanced in a trying to be/twattishly/ expertly/ on the internet kind of way.

StormTreader · 31/07/2017 12:05

"4 in the morning" still has "morning" in it, tell her to try and change to "Its the middle of the night, I have to be up for work in 2 hours, what the hell do you think you're doing?!"

echt · 31/07/2017 12:09

SerfI expressed my point poorly. What I was trying to say was that MH hypotheses are generally accepted, indeed, proffered on MN without demur, as ideas about dementia, as possible ways in to thinking about the behaviour. I was inviting a re-think.

What made me larf was the way you ticked me off while offering an opinion about a medical condition.

echt · 31/07/2017 12:09

Fuck. I should have said i expressed my opinion poorly.

waterrat · 31/07/2017 12:10

Waking people at 4am is so strange I would consider early onset dementia.

SerfTerf · 31/07/2017 12:10

Well it's the difference between broad categories and specific, narrow diagnoses isn't it?

So do we agree on that much or not? You've lost me!

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