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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won't go down on me

242 replies

holeinyourhead · 26/07/2017 15:31

My DH of 13 years won't go down on me. Probably stopped doing it after about a year after we met. He said he doesn't like doing it and as I wasn't the most confident person at the time in bed I meekly accepted it. We've since had two lovely kids and life ticks over fine. We have a good relationship in every other respect.

I still go down on him because I quite like doing it, and it gets us both going. He also has some severe performance anxiety issues so this is all part of what can be an endless fluffing procedure if I'm honest. We hardly ever do it anyway and it's always me that initiates it. I have recently lost a lot of weight and gone down two dress sizes, and am feeling amazing, but it has made no impact on my DH who is very affectionate but I just think he doesn't fancy me all that much anymore. On every other level he's a lovely man and I love him dearly. But with this weight loss has come a new confidence, I am being noticed by men again, and my libido is through the roof. He is oblivious. He's supportive of the weight loss but isn't interested in jumping my bones, he's just tired all the time.

Lately I have found myself having some highly inappropriate discussions with a married someone I met online - I am not proud of this but I am severely frustrated, judge me all you like, I know some of you will - and when he discovered I wasn't getting this from my DH he was shocked and it's now made me think about what I have been putting up with for all this time. I haven't mentioned it to anyone, ever, out of loyalty to my DH, but I am now starting to think I have a bit of a raw fucking deal to be honest. I mentioned this sexual imbalance to my DH last night and he just smiled, shrugged and had nothing much to say about it. Gave me a cuddle but to be honest with you all, I am seething. AIBU to think this is a bit out of order? Any suggestions how I improve marital relations? I know this discussion with the online person is totally wrong but please forgive me for being a fallible, massively frustrated human being in the middle of a midlife crisis. Hope you can help.

OP posts:
JennyOnAPlate · 26/07/2017 15:34

No one should do anything sexually that they don't want to do.

Can you imagine the reaction if a man posted to complain that his wife won't give him a blow job?

MrsOverTheRoad · 26/07/2017 15:35

Your DH has EVERY right not to indulge you in your preference.

It's not a frigging RIGHT you know.

I have no sympathy as you sound very hard regarding your DH and your ideas that because he won't "go down on you" you're justified in having an affair. You're not.

Oral sex isn't a right.

Some people don't like doing it. That's fine.

HipsterHunter · 26/07/2017 15:35

Difficult.

He doesn't have to do something sexually he doesn't want to.
Also you don't have to stay in a less than fulfilling sexual relationship.

Is it just the oral sex? Would you be happier if there was more affection in other areas?

ShatnersWig · 26/07/2017 15:36

YABU to expect anyone to do anything they do not wish to do. If a man came on here saying he was chatting online to someone because his wife doesn't go down on him because she doesn't like doing it, he'd be handed his arse on a plate. So should you.

If you are unhappy with your sex life, then leave your DH who you say is otherwise lovely so he can find someone who seems him as more than just a tongue to get them off.

SaucyJack · 26/07/2017 15:36

I dunno what the answer is, but I'm pretty certain cheating on your husband isn't going to be it.

OnionKnight · 26/07/2017 15:37

My wife doesn't give me oral sex but I give it to her, I don't mind, nobody should do anything that they don't want to do.

YoureNotASausage · 26/07/2017 15:38

I don't think this is about going down on you at all. He really doesn't have to do that. But I do think this is all about mismatched sex drives and him making you feel unattractive (to him). There's your problem and you either need to address it with him or leave. Cheating (which you are already doing) is a shitty thing to do.

ChasingHighs · 26/07/2017 15:39

Stop trying to justify cheating on him.

ColossalKalamari · 26/07/2017 15:39

You can't force someone to go down on you or do anything else they dont want to do, and if the sex was satisfying in other ways I wouldn't mind personally. It doesn't sound like it is though and the fact he won't even discuss it with you is not on at all.

Does he ever make sure you're happy sexually? The "endless fluffing" doesn't sound much fun

pinkdelight · 26/07/2017 15:39

I don't think you were meek to accept that your DH didn't like going down on you. It's fair enough for him not to like it and what's the alternative to accepting it? You can't make him do it. Unless the alternative is that you'd have split up with him over it, which seems unlikely. The debate has been had on here before and consensus is it's okay for a partner to not want to engage in oral sex, and isn't a matter of he likes blow jobs therefore he owe me oral sex. You both like the blow jobs by the sounds of it, so it's not a bad deal that he's getting oral sex and you're not. fwiw, I don't get oral sex from my DH either but I'm not into it and we have fun in other ways so it's not an issue. The issue in your case is way beyond oral sex by the sounds of it and needs a proper discussion, not fixating on this issue and not clouded by your feelings for the online person.

The online person btw, is OBVIOUSLY going to say how terrible it is for your DH not to go down on you. They're probably whacking off just thinking about it. It's not really a good source for your arguments.

Pengggwn · 26/07/2017 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 26/07/2017 15:40

It's almost like you feel you have a right in what you are doing because you feel more attractive in yourself. If he won't stroke your ego someone else will kind of thing.

How would you feel if the roles were reversed? You don't want to do oral, not a high sex drive and your husband is flirting online. I get the feeling you'd make a post distraught as too how he could this to you.

WannabeMathematician · 26/07/2017 15:40

Is it just the oral sex or is it a more general thing? Sometimes these things are often the tip of the iceberg.

However, I agree with everyone else the other man in the picture (online or irl) is not a good way to go.

StormTreader · 26/07/2017 15:40

I think I would be seriously considering a "If I'm not getting it then I'm not giving it" policy. It's not as giving a BJ is a treat for you that he graciously allows, I assume part of why you like them is because you know HE enjoys them, and that consideration should go both ways.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/07/2017 15:40

No one should do anything sexually that they don't want to do.

If you are unhappy in your marriage; leave. But don't have an affair when he hasn't really changed and is a decent and affectionate man.

Pengggwn · 26/07/2017 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyheartbelongstoG · 26/07/2017 15:41

Have you asked him why he doesn't like it, is it clean etc.

Imbeingunreasonable · 26/07/2017 15:42

OP never said she was having an affair - she confided in a (albeit married) stranger she met online. Big difference.

Tough one OP. As he has been like this for years you can't suddenly expect him to change. Maybe you could try new things in the bedroom if he's up for spicing things up. Or couples therapy if that would help.

But if you are incompatible sexually it's up to you if you can live with that or not. But I wouldn't try to make him feel bad for something he doesn't like doing which you've known for years. If he doesn't want to do oral that's his choice.

Bluntness100 · 26/07/2017 15:44

I think you've had your head turned by a random on line. I'd really stop because if your husband finds out what you are doing it will be very damaging, this guy ain't going to be there to pick up the pieces.

As for the fact your "seething". And then the whole martyr complex,,,fallible human etc. Please, get over yourself. Seriously. I mean what do you think you have a moral entitlement to oral and even if he doesn't like it he should force himself?

Stop with tha silly convos on line with whatever twat you're talking to before you have no marriage and the other guy disappears for the hills.

Birdsgottaf1y · 26/07/2017 15:44

I hate being gone down on and wouldn't compromise that for anyone. I agree that no-one should do something they don't want to.

""and when he discovered I wasn't getting this from my DH he was shocked and it's now made me think about what I have been putting up with for all this time""

He isn't shocked, he's just looking for a way to take things to the next level and will tell you what you want to hear. Women who are happy with their partners don't cheat, so he wants you to feel that you aren't getting something that you are entitled to.

Focus on your midlife crisis rather than the perceived faults in your DH.

Pengggwn · 26/07/2017 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cornettoninja · 26/07/2017 15:46

I agree it's mismatched sex drives not oral sex specifically, you sound unsatisfied and I don't think an unenthusiastic oral sex session would change that. Drop that line of thinking. I think it's important to not that there's been a major division in where you both are mentally.

As you say you've lost loads of weight and sound like you're ready to take on the world whereas he sounds knackered and stuck in a rut.

Clearly you need to have a frank conversation (he needs to engage fully) and come to some sort of solution.

My take is that if you are seriously considering an affair (the deliberate consideration is important - this isn't a chance situation you've found yourself in), then you need to be prepared to end your relationship and commicate to you dh clearly that you are not prepared to live your life this way and will be moving on unless he feels the impetus to work with you to try and salvage your relationship.

YoullShootYourEyeOut · 26/07/2017 15:47

He doesn't have to do anything he is not comfortable with, however you also do not have stay with someone who doesn't satisfy you sexually. To me personally it would be a deal breaker, but that is only my preference, you need to decide if you can live with this and if not, end the marriage. Do not embark on an affair though, this will bring nothing but heartbreak for your whole family and will not solve the issue at hand anyway

VestalVirgin · 26/07/2017 15:49

Is it possible he is secretly gay?

He doesn't want to go down on you, which would mean getting quite close to female genitals. Has difficulties getting it up. Quite likes you going down on him, possibly more than he likes PiV?

Just a theory. He doesn't seem very attracted to you in general. The only fixable reason for this I could think of would be low testosterone levels (which might also caused tiredness?) but since he himself does not see a problem, it seems more likely his hormone levels are normal.

MyKingdomForBrie · 26/07/2017 15:53

You're talking yourself into the necessary mindset to let yourself have an affair here. Justifying the fact that you're being a twat because your husband has a low sex drive. It sounds like it's just not fun for him and it's a lot of pressure.

By all means leave him if that's not what you want from a relationship, but ffs don't be a cunt and have an affair first.