Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won't go down on me

242 replies

holeinyourhead · 26/07/2017 15:31

My DH of 13 years won't go down on me. Probably stopped doing it after about a year after we met. He said he doesn't like doing it and as I wasn't the most confident person at the time in bed I meekly accepted it. We've since had two lovely kids and life ticks over fine. We have a good relationship in every other respect.

I still go down on him because I quite like doing it, and it gets us both going. He also has some severe performance anxiety issues so this is all part of what can be an endless fluffing procedure if I'm honest. We hardly ever do it anyway and it's always me that initiates it. I have recently lost a lot of weight and gone down two dress sizes, and am feeling amazing, but it has made no impact on my DH who is very affectionate but I just think he doesn't fancy me all that much anymore. On every other level he's a lovely man and I love him dearly. But with this weight loss has come a new confidence, I am being noticed by men again, and my libido is through the roof. He is oblivious. He's supportive of the weight loss but isn't interested in jumping my bones, he's just tired all the time.

Lately I have found myself having some highly inappropriate discussions with a married someone I met online - I am not proud of this but I am severely frustrated, judge me all you like, I know some of you will - and when he discovered I wasn't getting this from my DH he was shocked and it's now made me think about what I have been putting up with for all this time. I haven't mentioned it to anyone, ever, out of loyalty to my DH, but I am now starting to think I have a bit of a raw fucking deal to be honest. I mentioned this sexual imbalance to my DH last night and he just smiled, shrugged and had nothing much to say about it. Gave me a cuddle but to be honest with you all, I am seething. AIBU to think this is a bit out of order? Any suggestions how I improve marital relations? I know this discussion with the online person is totally wrong but please forgive me for being a fallible, massively frustrated human being in the middle of a midlife crisis. Hope you can help.

OP posts:
Imbeingunreasonable · 26/07/2017 16:08

Pengggwn

I agree it's highly inappropriate content and OP knows this herself. I wouldn't go screaming affair at this minute but her and this married person have both overstepped a huge boundary. Only because they are both married.

If OP confided in a close female friend about these matters it wouldn't be deemed an affair. OP has found someone she can open up to because this person is a stranger outside of her normal circles. It's a big no, out of respect for both their marriages. But it still not cheating. If OP isn't careful it could lead there.

OP - I hope you don't take these conversations any further. If you're genuinely unhappy and feel your partner doesn't fancy you, you should end it.

RhubardGin · 26/07/2017 16:08

I haven't mentioned it to anyone, ever, out of loyalty to my DH

Loyal enough not to mention it in RL but not quite loyal enough to not chat sexually to married men online, erm, I think you might be a bit confused about this whole loyalty business Hmm

Nobody should be forced into a sexual act they aren't comfortable with or made to feel guilty about it. You've "put up with it" for 13 years, stop being a martyr.

If you're not happy in your marriage, leave. Don't use this as an excuse to start an affair, which is what you are doing.

lottieandmia · 26/07/2017 16:08

So you think men and women are on a completely equal footing wrt these issues ShellyBoob? Go and do some research..,,

TheNaze73 · 26/07/2017 16:08

He has every right not to do it but, you have every right to leave a non sexually satisfying relationship. If there was something sexually, I loved, yet my partner didn't & I knew that it would never happen again in my life, as I'd never cheat, that would be a good enough reason to walk.

MrsOverTheRoad · 26/07/2017 16:09

Lottie they can EXPECT it but they won't always GET it unless the woman they're with is compromising which is unhealthy.

GinaFordCortina · 26/07/2017 16:10

can't compare men with women about these kinds of issues. We don't live in a world where 1 in 4 men are sexually assaulted by women or women say 'he was asking for it'

Oh you said everything I wanted to say first while I tried to log in! Grin

SweetheartTreacleTart · 26/07/2017 16:10

@holeinyourhead I've not read all of the comments, but do hope mine didn't come across as mean. I think the majority have been quite supportive of your problem.

I think the only thing with the online chat is that it's obviously not okay to be talking to another man online in the way you describe. However the bigger issue is that I think you aren't sexually satisfied and you deserve to be and if after raising this with your partner you are not, I don't see how the marriage would cope in the long run.

lottieandmia · 26/07/2017 16:10

Mrs - but the point is most women do do it. I think a survey would be interesting in this regard.

Carley27 · 26/07/2017 16:13

OP have you had a proper conversation with your DH about how the lack of intimacy is making you feel? Would you both consider going to some form of relationship counselling?

Has your DH's libido decreased or is it just a case of yours increasing? If it's the former, could he be feeling down/depressed? Depression can affect libido.

RhubardGin · 26/07/2017 16:13

Some sisterhood this is. I'm in tears now. What a terrifying experience

Oh Christ get a grip. I'm sure you would have had the same responses in RL OP.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 26/07/2017 16:14

gina

I still go down on him because I quite like doing it, and it gets us both going

So she's not just doing it for the sake of doing it. She likes it.

And not quite sure how feminism is relatable with this at all.

GinaFordCortina · 26/07/2017 16:14

you're not happy in your marriage, leave. Don't use this as an excuse to start an affair, which is what you are doing.

It's so easy to do. I wish people stop projecting their issues on the op. The op's husband isn't being sexually groped by her around the house or too 'touched out' from pregnancy and breastfeeding. He's just sexually selfish and doesn't want to discuss it with the OP. That's hard work and she wants advice.

lottieandmia · 26/07/2017 16:16

'And not quite sure how feminism is relatable with this at all.'

It's quite obvious if you have a grasp of feminist issues and are not looking at this in a completely simplistic way - i.e. Turn it around so that the man is complaining- it's exactly the same. It isn't.

GinaFordCortina · 26/07/2017 16:16

I still go down on him because I quite like doing it, and it gets us both going

I quite like doing it and it gets him ready

Not quite 'I fucking love blowjobs'.

Op if you didn't give head would there be any physical sexual touch? It sounds like it's the only Sex that happens in her house for over a decade. I'm sure in that case she does take what she can get

user1497435493 · 26/07/2017 16:17

Everyone is entitled to not do something they don't want to do, but I (rightly or wrongly,) would think my husband wasn't attracted to me and didn't fancy me if he wouldn't 'go down.' And I would imagine he would think the same about me.

I just don't get why people don't want to do it.

JMHO.

DirtyChaiLatte · 26/07/2017 16:17

You sound like you're a couple of steps away from an affair. This would be massively unfair on your husband and marriage.

If your husband isn't willing to address the lack of sex in your marriage issue then you need to sit down and decide if you can accept a relationship like that. It doesn't make you a bad person to say that sex is very important for you.

Also, STOP any other semi flirtatious relationships with other men until you've dealt with your issues with your husband.

Don't be a cheater especially when you can see it coming and can do something to avoid it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/07/2017 16:17

I still go down on him because I quite like doing it, and it gets us both going Well you could argue that women (and men) are socialised to think that things that please men are compulsory and things that please women are extras. That BJs are erotic and anal is fabulous and basic knowledge about how women orgasm is 'huh, what?'.

And there is an orgasm gap; straight and gay men orgasm more, even though women are more capable of more orgasms. Straight and bi women are on the bottom of the pile unless there was any doubt.

However, the OP is having inappropriate conversations with a married man and her DH is unaware. This isn't OK even in the context of the patriarchy.

toastandbutterandjam · 26/07/2017 16:17

I was very recently in a relationship. I'm female, he's male. I have alot of problems sexually, due to various things. I'm in my 20's and have never had sex.
He lasted 3 months with me. There was no PIV or oral sex during this time for either of us. It probably did make him feel shit and believe me, I felt shit too. I couldn't have sex when I knew he wanted it. I couldn't when lots of other women could. I waited 7 years for a relationship with this person, loved him, desperately wanted to do it, but I couldn't.

Sure enough, he left me after 3 months. He'd also been discussing this with other women online. I was mortified. It was humiliating. He did cheat too.

He felt unloved, unwanted and unattractive. What he didn't know was that he was very much loved, wanted and is a very attractive man. He had every right to leave me as he was unsatisfied, which I completely understand, but to discuss it with others was shameful for me.

I do understand your feelings. I also know what it's like to be in a similar situation to your husband.
I do hope you both manage to sort things and do what's best for both of you, whether that's together or separate. I wish you both the very best of luck Flowers

ConstanceCraving · 26/07/2017 16:20

FGS.

There's a perfectly good sex topic OP.

Imbeingunreasonable · 26/07/2017 16:20

That was a bit harsh Rhubard.

OP is clearly frustrated at her situation and is seeking advice not put downs. She knows she's in the wrong for chatting inappropriately to a married man online. But that's not why she came on here. Ffs!

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 26/07/2017 16:20

If what you are venting on here is your view on feminism, then I definitely don't want any grasp on your concept of feminism.

Believe it or not, not everything is a feminist issue.

I only brought the reverse into this scenario because I'm fed up when I see these threads, the "is he gay" line trotted out.
Yet when a man does a thread in regards of sex, he's asked to stop pestering, help more around the house etc etc. Never once is she gay posted.

OP Only you can decide what to do. I can't see the situation changing after all these years.

Tofutti · 26/07/2017 16:21

OP, tell him he needs to address the lack of libido (you should not have to be any man's 'fluffer'). If he refuses to see GP about libido, then I think you should leave him. You will gradually get more and more bitter about not being appreciated by him.

MrsOverTheRoad · 26/07/2017 16:22

Lottie whether that's the point or not (it's not) it doesn't mean the OP's DH SHOULD do it.

Two wrongs and all that. Why are you even going down that road?

See what I did there?

StoatofDisarray · 26/07/2017 16:22

What lottie said. Christ, show some compassion, people.

OP: you're not getting any oral; okay, some guys just don't like it. BUT you're hardly getting any sex, and your husband won't initiate it or talk about it, you've been living like this for 12 years, and you've remained faithful to him. If there was a medal emoji on here I would give you one. Being (sexually) unwanted by the person you love, and who you share your life with is REALLY HARD, and can be devastating.

Please seek some counselling for yourself, if only to talk in a less judgemental environment.

Believeitornot · 26/07/2017 16:22

I think this is more than just oral sex. Oral sex seems to be the excuse - your way of validating an affair "he won't go down on me therefore I want to find it elsewhere".

Actually there's a bigger issue re sexual compatibility and you feeling attractive to him etc. You've found your second wind - I know that feeling because I've found it and I've questioned my marriage many many times as a result (but I've not crossed any line, just kept it in my head).