DH won't go down on me

[holeinyourhead]

My DH of 13 years won't go down on me. Probably stopped doing it after about a year after we met. He said he doesn't like doing it and as I wasn't the most confident person at the time in bed I meekly accepted it. We've since had two lovely kids and life ticks over fine. We have a good relationship in every other respect.

I still go down on him because I quite like doing it, and it gets us both going. He also has some severe performance anxiety issues so this is all part of what can be an endless fluffing procedure if I'm honest. We hardly ever do it anyway and it's always me that initiates it. I have recently lost a lot of weight and gone down two dress sizes, and am feeling amazing, but it has made no impact on my DH who is very affectionate but I just think he doesn't fancy me all that much anymore. On every other level he's a lovely man and I love him dearly. But with this weight loss has come a new confidence, I am being noticed by men again, and my libido is through the roof. He is oblivious. He's supportive of the weight loss but isn't interested in jumping my bones, he's just tired all the time.

Lately I have found myself having some highly inappropriate discussions with a married someone I met online - I am not proud of this but I am severely frustrated, judge me all you like, I know some of you will - and when he discovered I wasn't getting this from my DH he was shocked and it's now made me think about what I have been putting up with for all this time. I haven't mentioned it to anyone, ever, out of loyalty to my DH, but I am now starting to think I have a bit of a raw fucking deal to be honest. I mentioned this sexual imbalance to my DH last night and he just smiled, shrugged and had nothing much to say about it. Gave me a cuddle but to be honest with you all, I am seething. AIBU to think this is a bit out of order? Any suggestions how I improve marital relations? I know this discussion with the online person is totally wrong but please forgive me for being a fallible, massively frustrated human being in the middle of a midlife crisis. Hope you can help.

You have very poor morals if you think it's okay to emotionally cheat with someone online just because you're not getting your way.

yes to this.

Why have you got such a problem with women who don't wax or shave WhatToDoAboutThis2017?

I don't have a problem with hairy women. I have a problem when anyone uses an offensive way to describe a woman's body.

I have not been rude, aggressive or hostile. I have simply pointed out that the term you used is offensive.

You have all but said you don't care, so that speaks volumes.

Hudson10

She does not sound vile. Fucking grow up.

The projection on this thread! Truly pathetic.

And I haven't complained about women shaving, I was complaining about a poster who had decided that women who were overweight and/or had hair were basically not worthy of oral sex. You agree with her by the looks of it.

YoullShootYourEyeOut I think you'll find in my first post to you that I pointed out exactly what I thought of that poster, and that was that she was a cunt.

No Hudson, the OP is not 'vile' for wanting a partner who is attracted to her

That wasn't the point though, was it?
The OP said nothing about him not being attracted to her.

• a DH very affectionate
• a lovely man she loves dearly
• he gets going when they do have sex

So obviously is turned on. Nowhere did she say he wasn't attracted. More like "he doesn't like going down so I'm going to get into sexual conversations with strangers as that's not good enough for me."
You can't force your sexual likes onto someone else and you sure as hell don't talk to others online about them and start up emotional affairs which is what this sounds like.

And I haven't used that term since you pointed it out WhatToDoAboutThis, so i have taken your concern, apologised for upsetting you and not used the phrase you found offensive again. What else am I supposed to do to please you sufficiently? If you really can't cope, report my post and get it removed.

I find the word cunt way more offensive than the term I used to be honest. But who am I to tell you not to use it? Your life, your choice!

YoullShootYourEyeOut You said you weren't trying to be offensive, which I appreciated, but then you used it again in said post.

You didn't use it after that though, granted. However, your attitude has been rather hostile I feel.

It just struck me that in the same post you apologised, you also said it again

The projection on this thread!

What exactly am I supposed to be projecting?

Oh dear can't be shaving those armpits YoullShootYourEyeOut. You'll look like a prepubescent and as you said before, that look isn't for you! "It was a descriptive term" it was a snide remark loaded with your hatred for women who groom themselves. I have no issue with women who don't shave, aside from when they become like you and think they are more womanly for it. It's funny you say we are being rude as just before you were saying women who shave are trying to look like children. You are now retracting this and trying to shift the blame. I have no hang up with people who shave, as I mentioned before it's the way you bring across an opinion not the opinion itself.

Is it possible he is secretly gay?

What the ACTUAL fuck.
I need to go to bed but the insanity of this thread is astounding!
All men because they're men all have the same sexual preferences otherwise they're automatically gotta be gay??!!
Listen to yourself. Men are individuals just like women are!

YoullShootYourEyeOut

I feel the need to correct you because you're still not getting it. It's not that your term was offensive, although it was but that's less important, it's that it was incorrect. There's nothing pre pubescent about someone who has shaved, they still have a mature vagina they just don't have any hair there. It's exactly the same as shaved underarms but you're not calling that "pre pubescent."

You seem far too obsessed with not looking in the least way childish, which is ironic because your behaviour and attitude is quite childlike.

My DH is disabled and 23 years my senior. hes 67. We arent physical with each other and havent been for years. I used to be 21 stone Then i lost 10. The initial weight loss was before his disability. After it i had to re lose the last 4 stone.

Im currently rocking the caveman look because what with being a full time carer and all i cant afford waxes any more and i dont like shaving and neither does my skin. Sometimes women have to choose to be hairy for ECONOMIC REASONS. I do scrimp together the money for a facial lip + chin wax because my face is on show. And i get my hair cut and coloured every six weeks because i cant stand having grey roots. Its bloody expensive being a woman and some of us cant afford all the expectations that come with it.

The lack of sex no longer bothers me the MN dating threads and seeing the high expectations people have, laid bare on here (including the attitudes to body hair on this very thread) have been a huge help with this.

Another bonus is i dont have to take hormonal contraception which can affect weight. I dont have to take that risk.

With the superficial way things are now i do not want another relationship. EVER!

Well, again I am sorry. And yes I am sounding hostile because I'm being harassed.

a snide remark loaded with hatred for women who groom themselves WTAF?? I also never said women with hair are more womanly, I also never said that women who shave are trying to look like children, (please paste the quotes where I have stated this), you have chosen to interpret it in that way. If I am such an offensive, women who shave hater why is it only the two of you that continually hounding me? Where are all the rest of the women who should be queuing up to flame me?

Probably sleeping hun its 20 to 2 x

My main point is that your "term" is wrong and if you're going to attack people and then say that it was just a "term" think about the terms you are using.

britainteascone I can really sense here that continually hounding me is giving you some kind of kick, which i find pretty odd to be honest. I think from here on in I will disengage and you can tell yourself you have won and be happy with another day's trolling. People like you are the reason I don't often come onto Mumsnet, it always seems to be a bitchfest where bored, smug little people don't have enough excitement in their lives and have to manufacture it online. Have fun finding someone else to harass.

britainteasecone/WhatToDoAbout2017 (assuming you are in fact two two different people, which given the fact your posts are identical in writing style and timing, not to mention equally bizarre, I strongly, strongly doubt):

Prepubescent is not remotely "an offensive term for a woman." The fact you've chosen to find it offensive does not actually mean it is. We do not as human beings have the right to never be offended by anything, nor to expect the entire world to censor itself based on our personal tastes, regardless of what Tumblr says. And it's incredibly hypocritical that you're hitting the roof over someone using the apparently "offensive" term "prepubescent" when you're openly calling other women "cunts"!

I find some of your comments attacking women who aren't bald "offensive" too. So according to your own logic you are now obligated to apologise and never use them again. Since no one is allowed to say anything if someone else claims to find it offensive.

Frankly your rantings and continued harassment and personal abuse of someone who has repeatedly apologised (and for nothing) makes you sound utterly deranged.

Seriously not liking giving oral does not mean there are not attracted too you it also doesnt mean your gay.

I dislike giving blowjobs does not mean i am secertly a women, i like receiving oral but my husband doesnt like to give it likecme so we discussed it we do other things that are mutually enjoyable.

Otherwise its disgusting and boarding on abusives if you try to coeice or force a partner to do something they are not comfort doing

A lesbian damn it its bed time cannot seem to type tonight

holeinyourhead I am sorry you are having this experience.

"AIBU to think this is a bit out of order? Any suggestions how I improve marital relations? I know this discussion with the online person is totally wrong but please forgive me for being a fallible, massively frustrated human being in the middle of a midlife crisis."

You know his liaison with this online person is not going to help you so please end it now. It really is not the answer.

Totally agree with YoullShootYourEyeOut "He doesn't have to do anything he is not comfortable with, however you also do not have stay with someone who doesn't satisfy you sexually."

I know you say "I'm not forcing my DH to do anything he doesn't want to do. I haven't even brought this up in conversation with him in 12 years."

I think you need to have an honest conversation with him about your sex life and how he is making you feel, and ask him how he is feeling.

"I am not having an affair - the online person is just that. An online person."

I agree you are not having an affair. In your shoes I would worry that this may develop into an affair. In your husband's shoes I may view it as a betrayal of sorts so I could see that he would be upset about this if he found out.

Please also be aware this person on line may well not be all they imply they are, they also may use any words you send, for who knows what! So I really hope you have not sent any photos etc.

"Instead I got a lot of hostility. Many of these responses have just judged me and called me names." Sadly people on Mumsnet are very unsympathetic when it comes to anything they deem 'cheating' and can be very harsh in their responses. They do forget that Mumsnet is for support!

"I'm in tears now. What a terrifying experience." I'm really sorry about this, I am always shocked how rude and unpleasant some people can be, there is one reason and one reason only, this is an anonymous forum so the reason you come here is the very reason some people feel it is OK to be rude - because it is annonymous!

Yes because it can't surely be possible that two people have the same opinion. We must of course be the same person, despite our extensive posting history

GinaFordCortina "Im so glad feminism has won everything and we can accuse a woman of basically sexually harrsing her husband even though she is the one who has been performing sex acts she's clearly not interested. "Fluffer" doesn't sound like she's enjoying herself to me."

Very good point

TabascoToastie BRILLIANT POST.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 you don't have a right not to be offended by other posters general opinions or to hound people repeatedly to make your point.

YoullShootYourEyeOut please just ignore people who think they are entitled to act like this, or report their posts if you think they are being personally aggressive or offensive to you.

Public hair comes with puberty, generally! So removing it is going to create a look that is (at least in part) pre-puberty. Any woman or man is entitled to do what they like with their pubic hair, dye it rainbow colours if they like. And anyone else is entitled to have an opinion about public hair in general.