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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won't go down on me

242 replies

holeinyourhead · 26/07/2017 15:31

My DH of 13 years won't go down on me. Probably stopped doing it after about a year after we met. He said he doesn't like doing it and as I wasn't the most confident person at the time in bed I meekly accepted it. We've since had two lovely kids and life ticks over fine. We have a good relationship in every other respect.

I still go down on him because I quite like doing it, and it gets us both going. He also has some severe performance anxiety issues so this is all part of what can be an endless fluffing procedure if I'm honest. We hardly ever do it anyway and it's always me that initiates it. I have recently lost a lot of weight and gone down two dress sizes, and am feeling amazing, but it has made no impact on my DH who is very affectionate but I just think he doesn't fancy me all that much anymore. On every other level he's a lovely man and I love him dearly. But with this weight loss has come a new confidence, I am being noticed by men again, and my libido is through the roof. He is oblivious. He's supportive of the weight loss but isn't interested in jumping my bones, he's just tired all the time.

Lately I have found myself having some highly inappropriate discussions with a married someone I met online - I am not proud of this but I am severely frustrated, judge me all you like, I know some of you will - and when he discovered I wasn't getting this from my DH he was shocked and it's now made me think about what I have been putting up with for all this time. I haven't mentioned it to anyone, ever, out of loyalty to my DH, but I am now starting to think I have a bit of a raw fucking deal to be honest. I mentioned this sexual imbalance to my DH last night and he just smiled, shrugged and had nothing much to say about it. Gave me a cuddle but to be honest with you all, I am seething. AIBU to think this is a bit out of order? Any suggestions how I improve marital relations? I know this discussion with the online person is totally wrong but please forgive me for being a fallible, massively frustrated human being in the middle of a midlife crisis. Hope you can help.

OP posts:
KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 26/07/2017 15:53

vestal

I can't wait for the "could she be gay" comment being posted when a man is complaining about lack of blowjobs and sex.

Because that is never posted when roles are reversed. He doesn't like going down on her. He doesn't want sex every hour of every day. Doesn't mean he is gay.

lottieandmia · 26/07/2017 15:53

It's true that nobody should do anything sexually that they don't want.

But I think it's also true to say that a man who is crazy about you will want to do it naturally.

And the dh still expects the OP to do it for him...

steff13 · 26/07/2017 15:54

If he's tired all the time and has a low libido, is it possible he has low testosterone? How old is he? Have you talked to him about it?

lottieandmia · 26/07/2017 15:56

Please stop with this 'if the roles were reversed' posts.

You can't compare men with women about these kinds of issues. We don't live in a world where 1 in 4 men are sexually assaulted by women or women say 'he was asking for it'

lottieandmia · 26/07/2017 15:57

'He doesn't have to do anything he is not comfortable with, however you also do not have stay with someone who doesn't satisfy you sexually. '

^^ absolutely

OnionKnight · 26/07/2017 15:57

*I can't wait for the "could she be gay" comment being posted when a man is complaining about lack of blowjobs and sex.

Because that is never posted when roles are reversed. He doesn't like going down on her. He doesn't want sex every hour of every day. Doesn't mean he is gay.*

Exactly, I could apply Vestal's statement to my wife, she isn't gay, she has a low sex drive.

ShatnersWig · 26/07/2017 15:57

lottie But I think it's also true to say that a man who is crazy about you will want to do it naturally.

Bollocks. Just as it is rubbish to say that a woman who is crazy about a man will want to do it naturally. People like or dislike certain things. If someone NOT wanting to do something is a problem, then you leave the relationship (but if it was OK for 13 years, there's other stuff going on).

And the dh still expects the OP to do it for him...

Bollocks again. The OP does NOT say he expects it and she says herself she quite likes doing it.

FFS

tearsinmyeyes · 26/07/2017 15:58

I think you have every right to feel unloved and unwanted. I suspect that if your dh gave you sexual attention in other ways and instigated sex atleast some of the time , you wouldn't be so bothered by him not going down on you . I think you feel rejected as his wife and essentially as a woman , and him keeping a distance from your most intimate parts probably compounds these feelings .
Please have a frank conversation with him , suggest a trip to the gp or couples counselling , but don't go down the route of cheating - it will only end in tears.

OnionKnight · 26/07/2017 15:59

But I think it's also true to say that a man who is crazy about you will want to do it naturally.

Can I apply this to my wife?

No? Thought not Hmm

Utter bollocks.

StoatofDisarray · 26/07/2017 15:59

You have my sympathies, OP. My DP went off sex about 17 years ago. We did it less and less, and eventually, we just didn't do it at all. Lip-kisses were dodged, hands were brushed away. There was grumbling. We have been together over 30 years, and I have no intention of leaving him because he's a lovely chap, but even though we sleep in the same bed, we never kiss or do anything other than cuddle. We haven't had sex for over 10 years. (We are both 50, attractive-ish I guess, in good health).

I went through about 5 years of angst when I realised he was never going to get his libido back. We have talked about it, and he has said that if I ever wanted to get it elsewhere, that would be fine with him as long as he doesn't know about it, but I have never tried this because it's still him (and only him) that I want, and anyway, not being wanted by the one you love really damages your self-esteem.

It sounds from what you have said about the endless fluffing required to get him in the mood for the occasional sex you have, that he has quite a low libido too. Either that or he's lazy, in which case, if you stop initiating sex altogether, he might finally get desperate enough to approach you instead. You could try having the conversation about extra marital affairs that I had, but it didn't solve my problem. Antidepressants and a shrink were helpful; I can cope with not being wanted now. You've just got to push all those desires for romantic love, intimate connection, and sensual pleasure down deep into your stomach like a tight knot and ignore them until you don't feel anything any more. It worked for me! (it didn't).

TL;DR: go and see a shrink, for your own benefit, and consider whether you'd be happy giving up sex altogether, or (if not) coming to an arrangement with him over extra-marital affairs, in the knowledge that it could jeopardise your relationship if you meet someone you really like. It's a horrible situation to be in, and if you let it go on too long, it will seriously affect your self-esteem. Flowers for you, and good luck.

lottieandmia · 26/07/2017 16:00

It's not bollocks. There are loads of men who expect oral sex but won't do it in return. That is a fact. The same is not true in reverse.

DJBaggySmalls · 26/07/2017 16:01

Get your DH to see his GP in case there is something medically wrong with him.
Random men online will tell you want they think you want to hear.
Consider couples counselling. Everyone has off days but this goes deeper for both of you.

FUNM · 26/07/2017 16:02

Maybe try PerfectV products and Passion Dust - you have to read that thread - and maybe he will oblivge after a Vanicure Wink

laundryelf · 26/07/2017 16:02

Talking to some random about your husband and your sex life is crap, I agree with pp's, you're trying to justify an affair.
If you're unhappy then leave, your poor husband deserves better.
Do not emotionally blackmail your husband into performing a sex act he is not comfortable with.

caffeinestream · 26/07/2017 16:03

Well, he doesn't have to give you oral sex if he doesn't want to. Equally, you don't have to stay in a relationship where you're not sexually fulfilled, but don't use your unhappiness as an excuse to begin an affair with a random you met on the internet.

Maybe he has a low sex drive, maybe he's gay, maybe he's just not into you. Who knows. You've spoken to him and nothing's changed, so you have three choices really:

  • stay with him, accept the lack of oral/sex and get on with your life as it is.
  • refuse to stay in a relationship without regular sex/oral sex, break up and find someone else if you can.
  • talk about an open relationship. I doubt many people will be open to this, though, so prepare for this to be a marriage-breaker, or to at least cause major issues.
SweetheartTreacleTart · 26/07/2017 16:03

Obviously you know that this online thing has to stop, I would put all your energy into talkign to your DH and letting him know exactly how much it's affecting you. Could it be that he doesn't feel great about himself? or is low? and that's why he isn't into sex that much maybe. TBH I know it sound old fashioned but it's his duty to please you and if he doesn't then you should continue to spruce yourself up and he should know that there is a chance he could you lose you if he doesn't fix up. You have the right to be sexually satisfied, and its his job to do it! Eventually I would just leave if he doesn't even bother trying!

GinaFordCortina · 26/07/2017 16:04

Im so glad feminism has won everything and we can accuse a woman of basically sexually harrsing her husband even though she is the one who has been performing sex acts she's clearly not interested. "Fluffer" doesn't sound like she's enjoying herself to me.

Telling a man who just refuses to go down after he's got you on side that actually you're quite in to that and won't be returning the favour if he can't be arsed isn't the same as pestering your wife to lay there while you dry hump her. There is no equivalence. As usual we're just telling women they shouldn't expect decent sex.

Op there's nothing you can do. He's not keen,you can stop giving and hope he takes the hint but it sounds like he isnt interested full stop and may not even notice. You just need to decide if this is a deal breaker.

muckypup73 · 26/07/2017 16:04

I had the same problem, I just stopped giving, after a few years it started happening lol

Original poster
holeinyourhead · 26/07/2017 16:05

Wow that's a pretty strong reaction from almost all of you. Clearly I am very much in the wrong.

TO BE CLEAR:

I'm not forcing my DH to do anything he doesn't want to do. I haven't even brought this up in conversation with him in 12 years.
I have always been 100% faithful. I am not having an affair - the online person is just that. An online person. Something has come to my attention and I though it might be worth asking other women about their views.

Instead I got a lot of hostility. Many of these responses have just judged me and called me names.

I thought Mumsnet was supposed to be a safe place to confide one's weaknesses, issues and problems. Women supporting each other. Nobody is perfect right? Let he who is without sin cast the first stone etc.

Some sisterhood this is. I'm in tears now. What a terrifying experience.

OP posts:
lottieandmia · 26/07/2017 16:05

Quite, GinaFord

RedStripeIassie · 26/07/2017 16:06

Him not doing something you want in the bedroom isn't a reason to cheat on him!

GinaFordCortina · 26/07/2017 16:06

It's not as giving a BJ is a treat for you that he graciously allows, I assume part of why you like them is because you know HE enjoys them

Exactly sex is a two way street. You can't force someone to go to bed with you but once you are there the gold standard should be that everyone enjoys themselves.

lottieandmia · 26/07/2017 16:07

OP, honestly there was another thread exactly like this a few months back. Some posters just like to argue for sport.

Some of us are not so argumentative- please don't listen to people being unkind. Anyone with a shred of empathy can see where you're coming from Flowers

Original poster
holeinyourhead · 26/07/2017 16:07

Thank you x

OP posts:
ShellyBoobs · 26/07/2017 16:07

It's not bollocks. There are loads of men who expect oral sex but won't do it in return. That is a fact. The same is not true in reverse.

Yes it is bollocks.