DH won't go down on me

[holeinyourhead]

My DH of 13 years won't go down on me. Probably stopped doing it after about a year after we met. He said he doesn't like doing it and as I wasn't the most confident person at the time in bed I meekly accepted it. We've since had two lovely kids and life ticks over fine. We have a good relationship in every other respect.

I still go down on him because I quite like doing it, and it gets us both going. He also has some severe performance anxiety issues so this is all part of what can be an endless fluffing procedure if I'm honest. We hardly ever do it anyway and it's always me that initiates it. I have recently lost a lot of weight and gone down two dress sizes, and am feeling amazing, but it has made no impact on my DH who is very affectionate but I just think he doesn't fancy me all that much anymore. On every other level he's a lovely man and I love him dearly. But with this weight loss has come a new confidence, I am being noticed by men again, and my libido is through the roof. He is oblivious. He's supportive of the weight loss but isn't interested in jumping my bones, he's just tired all the time.

Lately I have found myself having some highly inappropriate discussions with a married someone I met online - I am not proud of this but I am severely frustrated, judge me all you like, I know some of you will - and when he discovered I wasn't getting this from my DH he was shocked and it's now made me think about what I have been putting up with for all this time. I haven't mentioned it to anyone, ever, out of loyalty to my DH, but I am now starting to think I have a bit of a raw fucking deal to be honest. I mentioned this sexual imbalance to my DH last night and he just smiled, shrugged and had nothing much to say about it. Gave me a cuddle but to be honest with you all, I am seething. AIBU to think this is a bit out of order? Any suggestions how I improve marital relations? I know this discussion with the online person is totally wrong but please forgive me for being a fallible, massively frustrated human being in the middle of a midlife crisis. Hope you can help.

It may be that the OP's husband has erection issues. He may also have an unshakable aversion to oral sex for a woman. Even within those constraints, he could satisfy her if he gave a shit about this issue. And he doesn't.

be careful OP because the online man isn't necessarily your real friend.

On the other hand there is nothing wrong or shameful in finding people to talk to aobut this. If your husband isn't in a sexual relationship with you, you're looking to contextualise your revamped sexuality in some way with other humans. I get that.

you might have to leave your marriage.

yes Gina! me too!

No one, no matter who or what they are, should be forced or coerced into doing things sexually that they don't want to do.
Imagine if it was the other way around and you felt forced into giving him a bj, even if he knew that you disliked it. All the while your sucking away in a half hearted manner and hating every second of it while he's wishing you would put more effort into it.
How would you feel? Disgusted? Worthless? Unloved? Because he's just treat you in such a disrespectful way, as your feelings don't count.
Then you find out that he has been telling a woman on the internet all about it.
Then.....you read online that he has posted all about it so everyone worldwide can read about it and pass their own comments on how you must be a secret lesbian and that he should leave you, despite you being a wonderful wife in other ways.
It would make you feel fucking marvellous hey. What a winner.

That is actually an opinion.

No, things that are provable are facts. Opinion would be that lots of men are crap at it

This won't go well OP. This is MN, where - in my experience - huge swathes of the readership don't want sex more than about once a month and look down on anyone who does. There are people on here who won't have sex with their husbands and then wonder why said husbands go and find the sex elsewhere. No one advocates cheating, but I think it is fair to expect sex in a loving marriage. And if there was something I wanted that I wasn't getting, it would be hard to get over that, especially when being rejected sexually is such a personal rejection. Feelings get hurt easily when it comes to one partner wanting sex more than the other. I guess it comes down to how much you need a healthy sex life to be part of your marriage. Does it trump everything else? If so you should leave and find it elsewhere, but only you will know the answer to that. Good luck, it's a shitty place to be.

I guess I'm biased because I am out of a long term relationship in which I was made to feel extremely sexually inhibited. Not being desired and not being able to express myself dampened my libido enormously and now that I am single and it's returning, it is very clear to me that how it was before was a dysfunctional way of being, not just "how it is". for me.

Maybe some people don't care about sex at all and that's their state of "ok". For me it was a state of "very not ok" and to do with a raft of controlling and disapproving behaviours by my ex. For this reason I struggle to see the OP's changed state of being more interested in sex (than her husband, than she was before) as some sort of anomaly that she should ignore. Rather I see the previous state as being anomalous.

@WhollyFather Google orgasm gap.

Sorry for the goady fuckers out in force on your thread OP. GinaFord is the voice of reason. I had an ex who was lazy, uninterested and crap at sex and wouldn't discuss it. It was awful. I second the comment about finding a counsellor to talk this through with without being judged.

I think if, OP & her DH had only shared a few experiences of him going down on her then said it wasn't something he felt comfortable/enjoyed doing then that's fine. That's not the case though, he went down on her for an entire year - so of course 12 years later looking back she's going to feel gypped!!!

But you know that an online married man is not the answer don't you? Leave, or try and sort your marriage.

Op, is there something else going on with you? To be " seething" because your husband doesn't like to perform oral sex and to be in tears and find this thread a " terrifying" experience are well outwith realms of a normal reaction.

Are you genuinely seething and terrified or are you maybe prone to some drama?

Yawn

Can you imagine the reaction if a man posted to complain that his wife won't give him a blow job?

This!!

Teutonic I couldn't agree with you more!

I think you should have this moved to 'relationships'

'AIBU' tends to attract unsupportive posters spoiling for a fight.

"To be " seething" because your husband doesn't like to perform oral sex and to be in tears and find this thread a " terrifying" experience are well outwith realms of a normal reaction."

I disagree. Seething at sexual frustration is a pretty standard human response. getting upset at being punished for expressing your needs is pretty standard too.

You're not compatible in the bedroom. That's enough to end a marriage.

I completely agree with imamouseduh - I think you've been given a harsh time on here OP.

I think sexual comparability is really really important - I'm not surprised you feel like you do.

Well done on the weight loss, OP. I'm not surprised you've given you're getting more male attention and have given your libido a boost.

You can't expect you husband to do things he doesn't want. You do however have every right to have a fulfilling sex life. Just be honest about it with your husband and don't do it behind his back. Either have an open relationship or end it.

Oh and I have a good male friend who has this issue in reverse. He'd never obviously force his wife to do something she doesn't want to, but I know it causes upset to him. She's willing to receive oral sex but since they moved in together never reciprocates. To me giving and receiving is incredibly intimate and it turns me on so much to give - I'd really feel like something was missing without it in my life.

YABVU. He shouldn't have to do oral sex if he doesn't want to (or any other kind of sex act, either).

You have very poor morals if you think it's okay to emotionally cheat with someone online just because you're not getting your way.

Op, I strongly suggest you email MNHQ and ask them to move this to relationships, otherwise you're just going to get lots of unsupportive comments. MN is increasingly like that these days.

I agree - get this moved to Relationships. There are far too many posters who just want to give someone a kicking.

This is by far the most brainless and annoying of the standard kinds of kicking that goes on on mn these days - mindless "reversal" what-ifs. they just aren't the same situation! And pretending they are in order to fake some kind of equality / rationality chops is just exposing you all as stupid.

Oh ffs...