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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won't go down on me

242 replies

holeinyourhead · 26/07/2017 15:31

My DH of 13 years won't go down on me. Probably stopped doing it after about a year after we met. He said he doesn't like doing it and as I wasn't the most confident person at the time in bed I meekly accepted it. We've since had two lovely kids and life ticks over fine. We have a good relationship in every other respect.

I still go down on him because I quite like doing it, and it gets us both going. He also has some severe performance anxiety issues so this is all part of what can be an endless fluffing procedure if I'm honest. We hardly ever do it anyway and it's always me that initiates it. I have recently lost a lot of weight and gone down two dress sizes, and am feeling amazing, but it has made no impact on my DH who is very affectionate but I just think he doesn't fancy me all that much anymore. On every other level he's a lovely man and I love him dearly. But with this weight loss has come a new confidence, I am being noticed by men again, and my libido is through the roof. He is oblivious. He's supportive of the weight loss but isn't interested in jumping my bones, he's just tired all the time.

Lately I have found myself having some highly inappropriate discussions with a married someone I met online - I am not proud of this but I am severely frustrated, judge me all you like, I know some of you will - and when he discovered I wasn't getting this from my DH he was shocked and it's now made me think about what I have been putting up with for all this time. I haven't mentioned it to anyone, ever, out of loyalty to my DH, but I am now starting to think I have a bit of a raw fucking deal to be honest. I mentioned this sexual imbalance to my DH last night and he just smiled, shrugged and had nothing much to say about it. Gave me a cuddle but to be honest with you all, I am seething. AIBU to think this is a bit out of order? Any suggestions how I improve marital relations? I know this discussion with the online person is totally wrong but please forgive me for being a fallible, massively frustrated human being in the middle of a midlife crisis. Hope you can help.

OP posts:
lottieandmia · 26/07/2017 18:16

This really just gets better and better(!) Mandy Moore that was a twattish post and you know it.

DioneTheDiabolist · 26/07/2017 18:17

Antigrinch, how are consent/mismatched sex drive/online emotional affairs different because of the sex of the people experiencing them? Confused

Shoxfordian · 26/07/2017 18:18

I agree that nobody should do anything they don't want to consent to but does your husband satisfy you in other ways? It's not fair for sexual satisfaction to be a one way street

Littlechocola · 26/07/2017 18:19

Why did you disclose this to a random man online?
That's awful. Talk to your husband not strangers!
Maybe he just doesn't want to. You can't make him enjoy it.

HerOtherHalf · 26/07/2017 18:25

Are you in a normal bmi range and hairless down there? Otherwise I understand why he wouldn't want to go down, I am gay and won't go down a hairy or fat woman it's not nice and I keep the same standards for myself and would understand if my GF wouldn't go down on me if I let myself go.

Your personal likes and dislikes don't somehow become some sort of universal standard and thankfully not everyone is as shallow as you.

Miserylovescompany2 · 26/07/2017 18:27

@marymoore12

"Are you in a normal bmi range and hairless down there? Otherwise I understand why he wouldn't want to go down, I am gay and won't go down a hairy or fat woman it's not nice and I keep the same standards for myself and would understand if my GF wouldn't go down on me if I let myself go."

It's a shame you don't apply those same standards to what you allow to leave your fingertips!

marymoore12 · 26/07/2017 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Teutonic · 26/07/2017 18:30

Marymoore12.

If her husband wanted to shove his cock up her arse, should she oblige just because its what he likes, even if she hated it?
Some men don't like giving oral no matter how clean and trim the woman is, and visa versa.
It's just a little thing called preference.
My husband hates liver, I love it, should I force him to eat it just because I am? Of course not.
Now run long and let the grown ups talk.

PurpleDaisies · 26/07/2017 18:32

I have a feeling most of you have not gone down on a fat woman before or a hairy one, I suggest you do it before judging me cause you will never want to do it again.

So nobody finds overweight women attractive? A quick google shows you're totally wrong there.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 26/07/2017 18:33

The night is yet young marymoore12 Grin

Notknownatthisaddress · 26/07/2017 18:34

Are you in a normal bmi range and hairless down there? Otherwise I understand why he wouldn't want to go down, I am gay and won't go down a hairy or fat woman it's not nice and I keep the same standards for myself and would understand if my GF wouldn't go down on me if I let myself go.

@marymoore12

Bit harsh! Shock

How rude!

@marymoore12

I have a feeling most of you have not gone down on a fat woman before or a hairy one, I suggest you do it before judging me cause you will never want to do it again

Fuck me, you're a genius. You're absolutely correct. I have never gone down on a fat and hairy woman. How did you know?! Shock

I am gonna call it now. I bet the VAST MAJORITY of women on here haven't either. Whaddya reckon?!!!

@imamouseduh

This won't go well OP. This is MN, where - in my experience - huge swathes of the readership don't want sex more than about once a month and look down on anyone who does. There are people on here who won't have sex with their husbands and then wonder why said husbands go and find the sex elsewhere.

Yeah that's right! He has every right to go off with another woman.

Serves his cold-ass bitch of a wife right for not dropping her knickers every time hubbzy wants a fuck! And fucking another woman when your wife doesn't want sex much is SUCH a healthy way to deal with the issue.

Works every time for most marriages. 🙄

You couldn't make this shit up!

DJBaggySmalls · 26/07/2017 18:34

If your DP is highly turned on by your looks but needs constant encouragement once you start having sex, you are not the problem.

Miserylovescompany2 · 26/07/2017 18:34

...the gift that keeps on giving!!! marymoore12

Maybe some woman prefer a larger lady with pubes galore? Did that thought ever cross your mind?

HerOtherHalf · 26/07/2017 18:34

Ah, the numbers at the end of Mary's name evidently signify her mental age.

Arealhumanbeing · 26/07/2017 18:36

Hi OP. I think this is unfortunately unlikely to change. Is it simply a case of mismatched sex drives? There is little point getting into a discussion on who has the 'right' to what. I think when the higher drive partner has attempted a conversation and the lower drive person has done the shoulder shrugging not much to say thing, then you have your answer.

You don't have the 'right' to oral. He doesn't have the 'right' to end the sexual relationship and expect there to be no consequences.

Explain to him that your needs aren't being met and how hurt you are. That your libido is through the roof and that you have options.

If nothing changes then explain to him that you are probably going to look outside the marriage and take it from there.

Yes I encouraged the OP to consider an affair. Yes I would say the same thing to a man.

Teutonic · 26/07/2017 18:37

Plus it's the school holidays HerOtherHalf. 😉

Majora · 26/07/2017 18:38

I have a feeling most of you have not gone down on a fat woman before or a hairy one, I suggest you do it before judging me cause you will never want to do it again.

I have. There was nothing wrong at all and she enjoyed it a lot. Hmm

As for the OP, does he expect you to give blowjobs? if so, then he's being an ass. If not, maybe he's asexual. It's something to consider.

Groupie123 · 26/07/2017 18:38

My DH didn't like oral either until I did a full Hollywood wax, now he can't get enough of it. OP DH did it for a year so he must not have had an aversion to oral with other partners. Be brutally honest with yourself OP - do you smell down there, can you be tidier? A long pube stuck in your teeth isn't nice!

Majora · 26/07/2017 18:38

...should say not wanting blowjobs doesn't mean asexual, but a lack of sexual attraction/interest at all would indicate he very well could be.

Teutonic · 26/07/2017 18:41

ARealHumanBeing.
And that gives her the right to treat him with such disrespect and humiliate him?
Not to mention the possibility of giving him an S.T.I.
All because he dislikes giving oral.??

My breath truly has been taken away at your mindblowing chain of thought.

Notknownatthisaddress · 26/07/2017 18:48

Ah, the numbers at the end of Mary's name evidently signify her mental age.

And her IQ!

I know this shit brings me down to her level but I don't give a poo so there

user1490465531 · 26/07/2017 18:49

I think going down on someone is pretty gross TBH but I do think it's worse for men to go down experience wise but not really nice for men or women.

AntiGrinch · 26/07/2017 18:50

Dione

"Antigrinch, how are consent/mismatched sex drive/online emotional affairs different because of the sex of the people experiencing them? "

In the same way that so many things are different for men and women - just because men and women are socialised differently, treated differently, and experience everything differently.

Someone mentioned "orgasm gap". Read this for starters

www.thoughtco.com/lets-talk-about-the-orgasm-gap-baby-3026207

It's about how men and women experience sex and the expression and satisfaction of their sexual desires differently within the same relationships.

There are pretty much no aspects of hetero relationships that are symmetrical for men and women. I'm not saying that's a good thing, or a desirable thing, it's just a thing.

Imagine this family:

WOH father, SAHM, two children, 2 and 4

Now imagine this family:

WOH mother, SAH father, two children 2 and 4

When the woman goes to work, do you think she gets treated the same as the man at work?

when the SAH father takes the children to play groups, do you think he gets treated the same as when the SAHM does?

YoullShootYourEyeOut · 26/07/2017 18:53

@mandymoore12 As someone who is a size 16 and not hairless (I hate the pre pubescent look) I find your comments pretty offensive. It is never ok to openly fat shame (yes you did), I wouldn't shame you for being gay because it is a) none of my business and b) just plain nasty, so don't judge people for their body types. None of the men I have been with have found my size or hairiness off putting and I have never had to push anyone into oral sex. And no, I have never gone down on a fat, hairy woman, but I have done on hairy, overweight men. Was it worse than a thin hairless man (yes I have)? Hell no! I appreciate all shapes and sizes. If someone doesn't like giving oral sex, fair enough, but don't make it about the receiver's body type and choices. Angry

Bluntness100 · 26/07/2017 18:53

I have a feeling most of you have not gone down on a fat woman before or a hairy one, I suggest you do it before judging me cause you will never want to do it again

I think going down on someone is pretty gross TBH but I do think it's worse for men to go down experience wise but not really nice for men or women

Bwahahahaha. Schools out for summer, Grin