DH won't go down on me

[holeinyourhead]

My DH of 13 years won't go down on me. Probably stopped doing it after about a year after we met. He said he doesn't like doing it and as I wasn't the most confident person at the time in bed I meekly accepted it. We've since had two lovely kids and life ticks over fine. We have a good relationship in every other respect.

I still go down on him because I quite like doing it, and it gets us both going. He also has some severe performance anxiety issues so this is all part of what can be an endless fluffing procedure if I'm honest. We hardly ever do it anyway and it's always me that initiates it. I have recently lost a lot of weight and gone down two dress sizes, and am feeling amazing, but it has made no impact on my DH who is very affectionate but I just think he doesn't fancy me all that much anymore. On every other level he's a lovely man and I love him dearly. But with this weight loss has come a new confidence, I am being noticed by men again, and my libido is through the roof. He is oblivious. He's supportive of the weight loss but isn't interested in jumping my bones, he's just tired all the time.

Lately I have found myself having some highly inappropriate discussions with a married someone I met online - I am not proud of this but I am severely frustrated, judge me all you like, I know some of you will - and when he discovered I wasn't getting this from my DH he was shocked and it's now made me think about what I have been putting up with for all this time. I haven't mentioned it to anyone, ever, out of loyalty to my DH, but I am now starting to think I have a bit of a raw fucking deal to be honest. I mentioned this sexual imbalance to my DH last night and he just smiled, shrugged and had nothing much to say about it. Gave me a cuddle but to be honest with you all, I am seething. AIBU to think this is a bit out of order? Any suggestions how I improve marital relations? I know this discussion with the online person is totally wrong but please forgive me for being a fallible, massively frustrated human being in the middle of a midlife crisis. Hope you can help.

I haven't hounded anyone; she is free to stop replying at any time if she wishes to do so.

It's public forum. If you make a comment, you can expect people to reply to it.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 "I haven't hounded anyone; she is free to stop replying at any time if she wishes to do so." I disagree, you have made your point repeatedly because you want her to agree with you, or maybe you don't care you just want to keep on making your point. I'd call that hounding. If you cannot see it, so be it.

"It's public forum. If you make a comment, you can expect people to reply to it." Of course. No one is disputing that.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 If you are not aware of what you appear to be doing, maybe read back what you said.

YoullShootYourEyeOut "Let's just leave it now."

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 " No, let's not just leave it now."

Night night OP.

I've reread it; I stand by what I said.

I don't want her to agree with me; I just want people to stop using offensive and incorrect terms.

Such a shame - the post has been somewhat derailed by a few posters trying to make some sort of wierd point. Come on guys - let's try and give the OP some help/advice which is what I thought mumsnet was for.

OP - if you're still reading, perhaps you can have a conversation to your husband about the bigger issues - the lack of his initiative and the frequency of sex. You can't make him do down on you if it's something he doesn't like doing - my ex bf was like this and we had to just find their ways around it - have you tried toys etc?

I agree about having to stop talking to the online married man - it's a dangerous thing your doing and it sounds like you're frustrated enough to try something you might regret.

Good luck

midnightmisssuki The OP had disappeared long before our discussion.

Yes but she might come back hopefully!

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 “I don't want her to agree with me; I just want people to stop using offensive and incorrect terms.”

Surprisingly, you can’t make everyone else on the Internet, especially on an anonymous forum agree with how they express themselves. But you can read other people’s replies and see if actions are distressing to an individual you are targeting with your comments.

midnightmisssuki “Such a shame - the post has been somewhat derailed by a few posters trying to make some sort of wierd point. Come on guys - let's try and give the OP some help/advice which is what I thought mumsnet was for.”

This is what almost always happens with Mumsnet, it is how Mumsnet works, it is a discussion forum. It doesn’t stop people giving the OP advice, as you have just done.

Hudson10

What exactly am I supposed to be projecting?

Your post (to me) was a huge over reaction and fixated on the possibility that OP may sleep with someone else.

People are picking aspects of the issue and using them as an excuse to project their own pain and disappointment in life regarding cheating. Either that or desperately reversing the situation and asking pointless questions about, 'what if a man said that'.

You called her vile. Uncalled for and nasty.

Notknowatthisaddress please don't type about your own situation.
I have a good sex life thanks just because I can't stand oral doesn't mean I don't have a very enjoyable sex life.
And if someone lives with there mum does that make them a sad person?
perhaps they are a carer for someone.
You very small minded nasty person.

And why is it that everyone who expresses an opinion different to the majority gets labelled a goady fucker?

Why is it that posters say just because we're women we should support each other?
I don't agree with your post.
You may not be cheating in real life but you are having sexual conversations to another man online.
Would you be ok wif your dh was doing this?
If you're not happy with your sex life and can't live without it then speak to your dh, or leave him.
no one should do something they don't want to.
It doesn't matter that you're a woman.

It's not bollocks. There are loads of men who expect oral sex but won't do it in return. That is a fact. The same is not true in reverse.
It is bollocks.

Has mary not been removed yet?

I can never get over how on Mumsnet (as well as certain other places) some people just can not come to terms with the fact that a woman might be in the wrong/the one who needs to make a change, and will twist any situation to suit this agenda.

This is why I don't like to label myself as a 'feminist' because I feel like by doing so I automatically have to take this stance whatever the situation rather than basing my opinion on facts (or at least 'facts' as they are presented).

I think 'he might be gay' was a particular low point on this thread.

The op is not wrong for being unhappy, she has every right to feel how she does, but chatting to other men is not going to help.
Does your dh know how unhappy you are? Does he know how important this is too you?
You can't force him into anything, but can you have an honest conversation about how unhappy you are as a whole?
You'll have to think things, if he's great in other aspects, is this as/more important?
If it is, that's ok, but you need to speak to your dh, not other men.

Look at relationships and sex threads, as there are similar ones.

TabascoToastie

britainteasecone/WhatToDoAbout2017 (assuming you are in fact two two different people, which given the fact your posts are identical in writing style and timing, not to mention equally bizarre, I strongly, strongly doubt):

Prepubescent is not remotely "an offensive term for a woman." The fact you've chosen to find it offensive does not actually mean it is. We do not as human beings have the right to never be offended by anything, nor to expect the entire world to censor itself based on our personal tastes, regardless of what Tumblr says. And it's incredibly hypocritical that you're hitting the roof over someone using the apparently "offensive" term "prepubescent" when you're openly calling other women "cunts"!

I find some of your comments attacking women who aren't bald "offensive" too. So according to your own logic you are now obligated to apologise and never use them again. Since no one is allowed to say anything if someone else claims to find it offensive.

Frankly your rantings and continued harassment and personal abuse of someone who has repeatedly apologised (and for nothing) makes you sound utterly deranged.

Exactly. How you can argue that it doesn't look pre pubescent baffles me tbh.

OP, I agree with the majority I think. You can't make him do something he doesn't want to, and so if it's that important to you you need to leave him.

Edsheeranalbumparty "This is why I don't like to label myself as a 'feminist' because I feel like by doing so I automatically have to take this stance whatever the situation rather than basing my opinion on facts (or at least 'facts' as they are presented)." I think your view of feminism is a bit skewered. It's not about agreeing with all women all the time.