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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won't go down on me

242 replies

holeinyourhead · 26/07/2017 15:31

My DH of 13 years won't go down on me. Probably stopped doing it after about a year after we met. He said he doesn't like doing it and as I wasn't the most confident person at the time in bed I meekly accepted it. We've since had two lovely kids and life ticks over fine. We have a good relationship in every other respect.

I still go down on him because I quite like doing it, and it gets us both going. He also has some severe performance anxiety issues so this is all part of what can be an endless fluffing procedure if I'm honest. We hardly ever do it anyway and it's always me that initiates it. I have recently lost a lot of weight and gone down two dress sizes, and am feeling amazing, but it has made no impact on my DH who is very affectionate but I just think he doesn't fancy me all that much anymore. On every other level he's a lovely man and I love him dearly. But with this weight loss has come a new confidence, I am being noticed by men again, and my libido is through the roof. He is oblivious. He's supportive of the weight loss but isn't interested in jumping my bones, he's just tired all the time.

Lately I have found myself having some highly inappropriate discussions with a married someone I met online - I am not proud of this but I am severely frustrated, judge me all you like, I know some of you will - and when he discovered I wasn't getting this from my DH he was shocked and it's now made me think about what I have been putting up with for all this time. I haven't mentioned it to anyone, ever, out of loyalty to my DH, but I am now starting to think I have a bit of a raw fucking deal to be honest. I mentioned this sexual imbalance to my DH last night and he just smiled, shrugged and had nothing much to say about it. Gave me a cuddle but to be honest with you all, I am seething. AIBU to think this is a bit out of order? Any suggestions how I improve marital relations? I know this discussion with the online person is totally wrong but please forgive me for being a fallible, massively frustrated human being in the middle of a midlife crisis. Hope you can help.

OP posts:
HellonHeels · 26/07/2017 16:25

This isn't a sex post, it's a relationship post.

Imbeingunreasonable · 26/07/2017 16:25

OP you may have had different responses if you posted this on the relationships board. Most of us can see both sides of the situation which is why is so difficult but I feel you will flamed here when you already feel low Flowers

HellonHeels · 26/07/2017 16:26

That is, the OP needs relationship advice not sex advice.

RhubardGin · 26/07/2017 16:26

It's so easy to do. I wish people stop projecting their issues on the op

Oh give over. If you have issues in your marriage, sexual or otherwise, you speak to a friend, relative, counsellor.

You don't start chatting to married men online about your sex life.

Sorry if that's normal to you but I don't think it's healthy.

ChasingHighs · 26/07/2017 16:26

The OP is chatting to a perv on the internet already. Not a good way to fix a marriage is it?

CorbynsBumFlannel · 26/07/2017 16:26

If the lack of sex is a deal breaker you need to have a serious talk with your dh. If he has no interest (which is what it sounds like) he might be happy for you to sort that side of things elsewhere. If not then it's up to you whether to stay in an unsatisfying marriage or end it/have an affair.

GinaFordCortina · 26/07/2017 16:28

You can't just reverse it anymore than you can say "reverse racism" it's stupid. And doesn't work

GinaFordCortina · 26/07/2017 16:28

The OP is chatting to a perv on the internet already. Not a good way to fix a marriage is it?
Talking to your partner which she has tried is the right way.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 26/07/2017 16:29

I would never consider an affair btw but then my dh wouldn't shrug his shoulders about something that was making me really unhappy.

Ceebs85 · 26/07/2017 16:33

I feel like your post steered away from the title pretty quickly and the issue is more that you don't get any sex more so than he won't go down on you.

If this imbalance is something which is going to lead to resentment (and it sounds like it's nearly there) then you need to bring it up again much more assertively: these are my needs, this is how I feel because of xyz. What can we do about it? Allow him to think about his response. Maybe tell him you don't need one immediately. There may be reasons he struggles with sex and intimacy.

Don't let it allow you to justify an affair though. Telling another man you're not getting sex is pretty blatant OP.

imperfectmama · 26/07/2017 16:36

It sounds like you need a proper chat with your DH to tell him how you're feeling. An imbalance in sex drive is hard (for both people) and it makes total sense that you might feel yours increase with some weight loss. I agree with Imbeingunreasonable this might not be the board for you if you're feeling low. Flowers

Willyoujustbequiet · 26/07/2017 16:38

OP I think you've had some harsh responses. YANBU to feel frustrated, unwanted and resentful. It's not like you haven't tried to discuss it.

No of course no one should have to do what they don't want sexually but neither should the OP feel guilty about wanting a decent sex life. Her feelings are just as valid.

OP I think you have some hard decisions to make Flowers

Summergarden · 26/07/2017 16:38

Sorry this situation is getting you down OP.

I'm sure I'm in the minority, but I've never been at all interested in giving BJs to any of my boyfriends or DH. It's just something I don't feel comfortable with, no matter how clean they are. I find it bizarre that a PP implied that a man is likely to be say for not wanting to go down on a woman, as surely the same would apply to me, and I'm definitely heterosexual.

I've always made clear in the early stages of a relationship the way I feel about BJs, then if it's a deal breaker they can decide sooner not to stick around. As it happens, that's never been the case.

RubaDubMum89 · 26/07/2017 16:39

You have a right to not be sexually fulfilled. You have a right to be put out that your DH doesn't like giving oral.

You do not have a right to expect him to do it knowing he doesn't like it and all these things do not mean you have a right to be talking to other men in a sexual way on the Internet.

How would you feel if you found DH talking to another woman about what you would and wouldn't do to him in bed and her mocking you about it?

Fwiw, my DP doesn't like going down on me, he didn't tell me straight away when we first got together but when he mentioned he wasn't fond of it, I took it off the cards. He asks if I want him to every now and again and I say no, I don't want him to do something he doesn't like just to make me happy.

Summergarden · 26/07/2017 16:39

*gay not say

ConstanceCraving · 26/07/2017 16:42

Today 16:25 HellonHeels

This isn't a sex post, it's a relationship post.

Well if we are being pedantic there's a perfectly good relationship topic.

VladmirsPoutine · 26/07/2017 16:44

Yanbu to feel sexually unfulfilled. Thing is though you shouldn't be having those discussions with random men on the internet.

If your DH is reluctant to work together with you on this then I'd seriously consider LTB. And I don't say that lightly. Can you imagine living out the rest of your days in a relationship which frustrates you?

Talith · 26/07/2017 16:45

YANBU - Although I absolutely agree that no one should do anything they don't want to and endless examinations into the motivation, health, mental state etc. of the non-sexual partner is off the mark. It's normally as simple as they just don't fancy the other sexually any more.

I think marriage is such a con tbh, this expectation that you'll want to fuck the same person for the whole of your adult life. Tastes change. People change. In my opinion this kind of incompatibility isn't something you can get around. I speak from experience - I had to get drunk to have sex with my (gorgeous) husband for a decade because I just didn't fancy him any more. Now we are separating we've both been the recipients of affection and sexual satisfaction far and above what we could have imagined. It's not as simple as separating of course but I do think everyone deserves to have decent sex once in a while - and that includes your husband - perhaps he'll get the kind of sex he actually likes with someone else and be happier for it.

I hope you can at least discuss it with him. Stay away from your online pal whilst you do it is my advice else you'll end up having an affair and whilst understandable, it won't be fair on your husband and will complicate matters.

lottieandmia · 26/07/2017 16:47

I'm not saying he should do it - that isn't the point at all.

I'm not venting I'm pointing out that posters trying to say this woman is harassing her husband obviously don't understand the issue properly.

FrankensteinsSister · 26/07/2017 16:47

I'm not going to slog through four pages of people saying you're entitled etc, but you're not alone.
There's a few of us on here, quietly, no probably many more reading and nodding.
You deserve to have a fulfilling sexual life. You deserve to be wanted by your primary partner.
Message me if you want, I'm in a very similar situation.

AntiGrinch · 26/07/2017 16:47

The OP isn't having an affair or trying to justify one - or even trying to justify the conversations she's being having which she calls "inappropriate".

I have deep sympathy for you, OP.
I don't think this is about oral sex, still less about you attempting to force someone to perform oral sex. It's about you finding yourself in a relationship in which you had long accepted that your sexual satisfaction doesn't matter, and now realising that you aren't that person any more.

I thought I read something once about kosher sex (in Judaism) - I've just looked it up
"Sex is the woman's right, not the man's. A man has a duty to give his wife sex regularly and to ensure that sex is pleasurable for her. He is also obligated to watch for signs that his wife wants sex, and to offer it to her without her asking for it. The woman's right to sexual intercourse is referred to as onah, and it is one of a wife's three basic rights (the others are food and clothing), which a husband may not reduce. The Talmud specifies both the quantity and quality of sex that a man must give his wife. It specifies the frequency of sexual obligation based on the husband's occupation, although this obligation can be modified in the ketubah (marriage contract). A man may not take a vow to abstain from sex for an extended period of time, and may not take a journey for an extended period of time, because that would deprive his wife of sexual relations. In addition, a husband's consistent refusal to engage in sexual relations is grounds for compelling a man to divorce his wife, even if the couple has already fulfilled the halakhic obligation to procreate."

AntiGrinch · 26/07/2017 16:50

I realise that not everyone is Jewish (I am not) but I post this for context because the idea that a married women needs sexual pleasure is not some weird new-fangled thing dreamt up by selfish perverts. On the whole there is a lot of wise and sane stuff in Judaism that is very good at acknowledging and also contextualising and tempering human needs and desires: for love, for both work and rest, for ritual, for health, for companionship, for security.

OohMavis · 26/07/2017 16:51

Don't like it, don't stay.

You're being incredibly disrespectful and disloyal to the 'lovely man whom you love dearly' by sexting and discussing your sex life with another man.

Just leave.

WhollyFather · 26/07/2017 16:51

There are loads of men who expect oral sex but won't do it in return. That is a fact.

That is actually an opinion. Based on what, I couldn't say, except possibly the undercurrent of misandry which seems to permeate some of these threads.

GinaFordCortina · 26/07/2017 16:54