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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

999 replies

LeafyCulprit · 22/07/2017 18:23

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness Sad

OP posts:
Booboobooboo84 · 22/07/2017 18:25

I actually don't think that's grabby at all, it's a couples holiday so I would presume you would pair up to go.

Have you said to him you'd love to go and asked whether you could pay him back?

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 22/07/2017 18:26

He sounds like a complete and utter shit

Thanks I'm sorry

RestlessTraveller · 22/07/2017 18:26

I'm all for paying your own way but this is ridiculous. He's so well off and you've been together for 5 years.

He's a selfish prick. LTB.

AlistairSim · 22/07/2017 18:26

That's not much of a partnership, is it? He sounds really mean.

I really hope you're not planning to have children with him.

CoughLaughFart · 22/07/2017 18:26

It seems odd to me after nearly six years to be so set in the pattern of 'your money and my money'. I'd offer to pay in his shoes.

MatildaTheCat · 22/07/2017 18:26

YANBU. That's crap and would make me very cautious about any future together. You only have to read threads on here about women having DC with men who are stingy with money and it makes them very vulnerable indeed.

ImperialBlether · 22/07/2017 18:26

That is really horrible of him and to be honest, I'd leave him over it. I wouldn't threaten I was going to leave and hope he'd pay, either. He has shown you exactly what you mean to him. He would rather go on the holiday without you than pay a relatively small amount for you to go, too.

This man isn't your friend. He doesn't have your back. Don't even think about having children with him.

TheQueenSnortsAvocados · 22/07/2017 18:27

You don't sound Granby, and your mates are going to think he's a bit of a shit.

TheQueenSnortsAvocados · 22/07/2017 18:27

*grabby. Obvs.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 22/07/2017 18:28

I think this is awful OP and I'd be ending the relationship, I'm afraid. You don't come across as grabby at all - but your DP clearly doesn't see you as his partner at all - there is nothing equal about this. A decent person would have paid for your holiday because they would have wanted you to go with them.

MaisyPops · 22/07/2017 18:28

It doesn't sound grabby at all.
It's one thing to choose separate finances (I'm very live and let live on that. I'd hate to have one joint account), but it's another to not share.

I would be re-evaluating the relationship over this because he seems too bothered about himself and his money than spending time with you.

Without sounding harsh, part of me worries that as soon as he finds a 'high earner' who he likes, he'll drop you and then Mr and Mrs high earner can both do other expensive things with other high earners.

IStoleDipsysHat · 22/07/2017 18:28

He's a twat. Imagine if you had a child would he be expecting you to still contribute as much to the house despite your drop in income and cover for all the childs needs because (as this always turns into) you wanted the child despite the decision having been a discussion?

Allthebestnamesareused · 22/07/2017 18:28

Also I hope you are not paying an equal share but a propionate share based on income. I wouldn't refer to him as. 'D'P

peaceloveandbiscuits · 22/07/2017 18:29

Surely your friends are going to be questioning why he hasn't paid for you or sat it out with you?

ijustwannadance · 22/07/2017 18:29

I think that's a really shitty thing to do after 5.5 years and living together.

EllaHen · 22/07/2017 18:30

What kind of a number has he done on you that you think you are being grabby to want to go on holiday with your partner of 5 years that you live with?

Jesus Christ.

Ameliablue · 22/07/2017 18:31

After so long living together, it is poor behaviour from him

MumIsRunningAMarathon · 22/07/2017 18:31

He must be secretly paying for both of you

I can't believe the alternative I'm afraid

Jessicabrassica · 22/07/2017 18:31

Will he not have to pay a significant surcharge going as a single - it may be list to what you would pay to go!

isseywithcats · 22/07/2017 18:32

yanbu as you have lived together for 3.5 years and he earns a lot more than you its a bit mean spirited of him not to pay for you this once, my other half earns 11 times what i earn and if he had picked a destination that i couldnt afford he would pay for the holiday for both of us without even thinking about it, in fact last year thats exactly what he did do i just provided enough spending money for myself

Mrskeats · 22/07/2017 18:33

This can't be real surely?????

OwlinaTree · 22/07/2017 18:33

He sounds tight with money to me. Is he paying three times as much as you for all the bills and household expenditure? He should be imho to split things fairly.

Unless he pays for everything and you just fritter all your cash away?

Fruitcorner123 · 22/07/2017 18:33

I agree with other posters that's crap of him. He could easily afford to pay for you and surely your company on the holiday would mean a lot to him.

As you say you could pay him back in instalments but what partner would want that?

He's shown his true colours and believe me this would return as an issue if you had kids together.

user1479265923 · 22/07/2017 18:33

It sounds like it's not a proper relationship if he is willing to go without you. It's a horrible thing to do. You are either a couple or you're not. Are you happy in other aspects of your relationship? I don't think I could be with someone who did this to me. I'm sorry Flowers

Changerofname987654321 · 22/07/2017 18:33

You definitely need to think about how your finances will work in the future and if you have one together.