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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

999 replies

LeafyCulprit · 22/07/2017 18:23

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness Sad

OP posts:
scottishdiem · 22/07/2017 19:09

Is this a one off or a trend?

Does he not pay for things like this at all, ever? Does he chose to do a lot of things that you can't afford really and excludes you? Also/Or, is there something that gets done/paid for that he pays for and sees this as something else he is paying for?

Has he been like this for all of your relationship? Did something happen in a previous relationship that means he is very clear about what is his and what is yours?

Going without you though is just wrong really. And reveals something quite worrying. Imagine having kids with him - can you see him giving up his money for it to be family money?

SpiritedLondon · 22/07/2017 19:09

Oh I'm sorry OP how awful. Essentially what he is saying is that your company on holiday is not worth £1200 to him. Do your friends know you're not coming? Has he told them? If I were your friend and would be saying to your DP " umm any chance that you can pay for Leafy?" And if not I would query whether I wanted to get away with him, but would also be suggesting we look at a cheaper holiday.

CoolCarrie · 22/07/2017 19:10

That is shit, no wonder you are hurt, what a total tight bastard!
Are you saying that he has gone on "a couples holiday " without you before? If so, then you really aren't in a proper relationship, if he honestly thinks that is it a partnership then he is a total tool!
Take a long hard look at your situation with him, life is too short to hang around with a sod like him.

GelfBride · 22/07/2017 19:10

I had this with an ex. He was on phenomenal money. Me not so much. I needed a new exhaust for my car to get to work. I didn't ask as I expected him to offer. I didn't want him to buy it for me, just loan it until I got paid but...no. A mate had to come and get me for three weeks and it was a hell of a journey for him. I left. It was that and several other things. Just utterly thoughtless and almost like he was slightly enjoying my predicament. LTB. What a tightwad.

Helbelle75 · 22/07/2017 19:11

I lived with someone like this for 10 years. 9 years too long. Sadly I left with credit card debt from just trying to get by every week. Run whilst you can.

mummymeister · 22/07/2017 19:12

If was say an all boys away type holiday and he was going without you but a couples one!! Is he planning on taking someone else in your place who does have a lot of money then?

this isn't a partnership. its sex with the washing, ironing and cooking thrown in.

at least you know this before you married him or had any kids together.

ask him straight "are you planning to go without me" if he says yes then you need to tell him its a deal breaker and you need to mean it.

after this long and living together it should all be shared. it isn't and it never will be. he wont commit to you - its all about money.

Serialweightwatcher · 22/07/2017 19:12

That's so awful - can't believe he didn't just pay for you ... you've been together long enough for goodness sake ... sorry but that would be it for me!

teaandakitkat · 22/07/2017 19:12

His behaviour is really bad. I would be so hurt. Move out while he's away, or move him out. I don't know who owns what....

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 22/07/2017 19:13

Awful behaviour, I really feel for you OP.🌸
He very obviously, isn't on the same page as you.
You are worth so much more.
To think that he could go away for your annual holiday, with your friends, leaving you at home, and have a good time, when he could so easily pay for you.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 22/07/2017 19:14

I've actually been in this situation - the DP of the time is now my DH. Back then, he was earning £100k to my £24k. We'd been together for a few years and living together for just under 1 year. We'd set up a joint account for bills, we split what was put in 70/30 (him putting in 70% of what was needed, me 30%), but beyond that, our finances were separate.

We were planning a Far East holiday, and then a group of our friends (who had orginally been his uni friends, then they'd partnered up and all the couples became friends) arranged a US skiing trip. I couldn't afford 2 long haul holidays in a year and said I couldn't afford to go.

DP went without me. It was different that I can barely ski and he's very good (as were most of the others going), so we wouldn't have spent the days together anyway, and these were his friends first. But we hadn't reached the stage of our relationship where we pooled our finances completely, we weren't engaged / married or had DCs, and our social lives often didn't involve the other one.

When we became "a unit" when we got married, we did completely pool our finances, and now have the same spending power - even though I'm a SAHM. Plus now we have DCs, our free time is less separate than it was.

At the time, we weren't a unit, we were boyfriend and girlfriend who lived together but had separate finances/careers.

This isn't about a holiday, it's about how you see each other and your relationship. Are you a permanent unit, or are you a couple who are together and basically dating flatmates? Are you each other's life partners or not?

Is the embarrassment because you have to admit you arent as wealthy/successful as the other couples, or more that you aren't the stage of relationship where you have moved on from boyfriend/girlfriend (even though you are living together), when the others are clearly moving towards being 'settled down' together?

After 5.5 years you should be having conversations about marriage/children/buying houses etc - and how you both see your career goals and financial planning should fit into that.

(Plus careful what you wish for, if you completely pool finances, are you happy for him to start having a say in how you spend/save? Particualrly if he's a 'saver' type.)

dowhatyouwish · 22/07/2017 19:14

OP you deserve better than this. Selfishness doesn't work in a relationship/partnership. He sounds very stingy.

MrsMozart · 22/07/2017 19:15

Even my OH, who's pretty laid back about most things in life, thinks that, unless there's more to the story, it's a incredibly shit thing to do.

LeakyLittleBoat · 22/07/2017 19:15

So it's a couple's holiday but he's planning on going alone? Won't the other couples find that weird to say the least? I can't get my head around the fact he hadn't offered to lend you the money, you've been together 5 years and living together for 3.5, it really should be a no brainer for him to just pay for you as you would for him if the reverse occurred. Given you've always paid your way and contributed to everything it's clear you're not a gold digger or user. I'm sorry but I'm inclined to agree with a pp that he's on his way to winding your relationship down as soon as he finds someone more in his financial league. What a twat.

May50 · 22/07/2017 19:16

It also sounds as though you pay 50/50 in the house. He should be paying more as he earns 3 x your salary. When I was with my ExH I earned quite a bit more than him so the amount we put into the joint account each month was in proportion with me paying more , which was absolutely fair to do so. He should be doing the same.

timis · 22/07/2017 19:16

We need more information, this cannot be an isolated incident.

MadMags · 22/07/2017 19:17

Fucking hell. I actually gasped when I read that! What a prick.

Hairyhat · 22/07/2017 19:18

Interested as me n my Dp earn similar amounts as the Op.

CheeseAndOnionIcecream · 22/07/2017 19:18

Sorry but he sounds like a complete knob. If I had been with my DP for 5.5 years,he earned a high wage AND had 80 grand in savings,I don't think it would be too big an ask for him to offer to pay for me. I would seriously consider ending the relationship over it if he didn't. It just comes across as selfish,rude and inconsiderate.

Bobbins43 · 22/07/2017 19:18

This is really shitty behaviour on his part. I agree with the other posters - I think you need to consider whether you want to carry on in this relationship.

I think he's shown you what he thinks of you by doing this. If you're a couple, why would you even pay separately? Especially if he could afford it?

I'm sorry. He sounds like an utter tool.

AnyFucker · 22/07/2017 19:18

Come on op. Spill the rest of it. Some very pertinent questions here.

Moanyoldcow · 22/07/2017 19:19

OP - where are you?

paulapantsdown · 22/07/2017 19:19

So a man you are sharing your life with would quite happily wave himself off on a holiday, leaving you at home alone, rather than dip into his enormous savings and bring along the woman he loves?

This man is a mean spirited wanker who will never share anything with you.

I could not stay with a man like this.

When DH and I first got together, he paid off my credit card debt before he even properly moved in, without telling me he was going to do it, because he had the money, I didn't, and he loved me. When he was out of work through ill health one time, I paid all the bills alone for a while Because I had it. We are a pair and a family to each other, and everything we own belongs to both of us. What is the point otherwise?

Moanyoldcow · 22/07/2017 19:19

Cross post with AF - sorry Blush

CheeseAndOnionIcecream · 22/07/2017 19:19

Also,why is he going on his own on a couples holiday? Very odd IMO.

NotMyPenguin · 22/07/2017 19:20

I don't think he's being unreasonable not to pay for you, but then I'd expect him to stay at home with you or spend the time going on a more economical holiday TOGETHER that you can both afford.

YANBU to feel hurt; it's really uncaring.