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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

999 replies

LeafyCulprit · 22/07/2017 18:23

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness

OP posts:

EssieTregowan · 22/07/2017 18:43

How did you react when he said he was going alone?

Itsnotwhatitseems · 22/07/2017 18:43

my guess is he will surprise you and say he has paid for you, I really cant believe a man who has been lovely for 5 years could bring this change in behavior overnight...really hope he has treated you as a surprise x

upperlimit · 22/07/2017 18:43

I actually wouldn't talk to him about it. I'd sit tight and see how this plays out. People are full of words that amount to very little and I think we show our values in our behaviour.

If he goes on this holiday without any interest in facilitating your company, that's all I'd need to know.

WonderLime · 22/07/2017 18:43

Was there an argument or did something happen before he announced that, as I just can't believe someone would be so cruel!

You are not grabby in the slightest and being in a relationship means supporting one another (financially and otherwise). I earn more than my DP, so each month I spend more than him on our couple's costs (bills, activities, savings - what ever it is that we share as a couple).

Not just that, but I absolutely couldn't fathom going on a couple's holiday without my partner. I'd miss him dearly.

I think you need to have a serious conversation about your future, because this should be raising alarm bells!

Crumbs1 · 22/07/2017 18:44

It isn't a partnership.
Partners share and support each other. There is no his and mine.
He is mean and not committed to your relationship. Sorry.

ChristmasFluff · 22/07/2017 18:44

I agree with previous posters. At 5 years in, a couples holiday should be 'we', not 'me'. Makes me wonder about the rest of your financial arrangements. I've been the person with no income, and the person with the most income, even in the same relationship. The aim is that neither feels disadvantaged, and both feel fairly done by - surely you are a partnership? He doesn't seem to feel that way. If he doesn't feel that way financially, does he feel that way at all?

EdmundCleverClogs · 22/07/2017 18:44

Jeez, my partner can be tight but he wouldn't go on a couples holiday without me (nor me him)! I don't see how you could fully enjoy yourself, seeing everyone else paired up and you sat like Jonny-no-mates just because you'd chose a nice holiday over your relationship. Won't your couple-friends judge him?

Are you engaged or talked about marriage? Would he do this if you were married? This wouldn't bode well for me, I'd be wondering in what other ways my partner's selfishness would present itself in the future.

Notknownatthisaddress · 22/07/2017 18:44

What a fucking nasty fucking shit.

I am very sorry for you OP. Wow! I mean, 5.5 years together and he does THAT?

If you have no ties to him (financial and kids etc,) and are still young, I would probably seriously consider leaving.

viques · 22/07/2017 18:44

As the wise vipers say, if someone is telling you what they are like then listen. Meanness is a very unattractive trait in a partner.

DilbyGlipob · 22/07/2017 18:45

Does he have an unlimited amount of annual leave? I'd be pissed off as much anything about him using half of his holiday for the year without you and without discussing it with you. Paying for things together and discussing how you use your holidays are normal things that couples do, I'd be very unhappy to be in this situation.

isadoradancing123 · 22/07/2017 18:46

That would be a deal breaker for me. That's not a partnership

belmontian · 22/07/2017 18:47

Unless there is a backstory about you constantly borrowing money and not repaying it then I would say that this would be a soon to be ex. A friend of mine was married to someone like this. He used to take the dc on holiday without her as when she was on mat pay she couldn't afford to go He even tried to make out that it was a plus for her as then she would be able to catch up with the housework while they were away. Unsurprisingly they are divorced now!

gluteustothemaximus · 22/07/2017 18:47

That's mean.

No way in the world would either me or DH treat each other like this. It's OUR money. We pool everything. No matter what the other one earns (we're both low earners though).

But, my god, if I earn't 80k, I'd be spending it on us. And I know DH would too.

Sorry, OP. He doesn't sound like a keeper.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 22/07/2017 18:48

I wouldn't be there when he got back.

And that might be the shock he needs to see what an idiot he's been, but I wouldn't count on it.

Katiekatie37 · 22/07/2017 18:48

The other couples probably think he's a dick too and will hopefully tell him so.

feelingblue123 · 22/07/2017 18:48

I'd be gutted if I were you. I've been with DP less than half that time and I know he'd find no pleasure in going away without me, likewise me without him. Is he generous and romantic at other times? Is there a particular reason why hes happy to go without you? (Ie is the holiday focussed around an activity or place that he loves that you're not not into?)

Didiusfalco · 22/07/2017 18:48

Agree with everything being said here. You sound like a reasonable person, certainly not entitled. It speak volumes that he would happily go on this holiday without you. I think I've heard it said before on here - he's telling you who he really is - listen.

Billben · 22/07/2017 18:48

Blimey, how horrid. If that was me, I would not beg him for the money (I'm too proud and would just let him go without me) but while he's gone I'd seriously re-evaluate my life with him and I would tell him that just before he leaves.

gluteustothemaximus · 22/07/2017 18:48

He used to take the dc on holiday without her as when she was on mat pay she couldn't afford to go. He even tried to make out that it was a plus for her as then she would be able to catch up with the housework while they were away.

Oh. My. God.

Was so pleased to then read they are now divorced though

Pengggwn · 22/07/2017 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lalalalyra · 22/07/2017 18:49

Do you rent or have you got a joint mortgage? Do you split your household bills proportionally or 50/50?

Be very careful OP. MIL's sister and her partner work their finances like this - everything 50-50. After over 30 years together he is happily retired and goes off on holidays every other month. She still works pt at 72 to top up her pension and their lifestyles are incredibly different. The only thing keeping them "together" is that he wouldn't buy her out of the house and she couldn't afford to buy him out. It's very sad.

Pengggwn · 22/07/2017 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GlitterGlue · 22/07/2017 18:49

Fuck me, that's horrible.

On the plus side though, he's showing you what he's like. Whatever you do, don't have children with this man.

Crunchymum · 22/07/2017 18:50

What is your financial set up?

Is this genuinely the first time he has been such a mean cunt?

kaytee87 · 22/07/2017 18:50

That's awful! Surely he's booking for you too as a surprise. Your friends are going to think he's a twat. Make sure you reply to the message saying you'll have to sit this one out as you can't afford it. He'll make something up about you not getting holidays from work or something otherwise so he doesn't look tight.

This isn't a partnership, I don't think I could stay with someone like this.

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