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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

999 replies

LeafyCulprit · 22/07/2017 18:23

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness Sad

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 22/07/2017 18:34

In your home, do you each pay 50-50? Are you renting or on a mortgage?

pastafairy · 22/07/2017 18:34

Please sit him down and have an adult conversation about your future together. What does he envisage? Kids? You being a SAHM? Buying a house? Marriage? If after all this time you're not sharing finances does he ever see that changing? His answers really don't matter, it's whether they align to your aspirations or not. Good luck - the conversation with either make or break you x

Katiekatie37 · 22/07/2017 18:34

Have you not said anything about it and if not why not ? Do you go 50/50 on the house?

He sounds like a tight bastard and I would be seriously angry over this would even consider leaving.

PurpleDaisies · 22/07/2017 18:34

That's awful and tells you clearly what he thinks of you and the relationship. I'd be off.

Do you have kids together? Have you ever discussed marriage?

Zoeee88 · 22/07/2017 18:34

I think you should definitely talk to him about it. You say your relationship is good in all other ways, so a conversation about it may be awkward, but shouldn't be impossible. I think he has behaved shittily, but it could be that because you simply said you couldn't afford it, he didnt realise you'd like help to pay for it? If you don't say something, I think it will fester with you. You definitely ANBUthough

JennyWoodentop · 22/07/2017 18:34

I think it really depends where you are in your relationship and where you see it going. In the early days I think a high earner shouldn't necessarily be expected always to subsidize the lower earner all the time - but you've been living together 3 1/2 years - so not early days.

If you're thinking it's nearly time for joint finances/marriage/children etc then I would be worried about being financially vulnerable during maternity leave if he won't share HIS money rather than seeing it as family money - so his attitude to the holiday may be a warning sign of things to come.

If you're nowhere near that stage of your life then it may not be an issue.

I wonder though if you are at different places with all this - him feeling he's young, unattached, earning lots of money that he can spend as he chooses with no one else having a claim on it, and you thinking more about this being a partnership and joint spending..... are you ready for that conversation and to think about what to do if it doesn't go the way you hope?

MadameJosephine · 22/07/2017 18:34

What a twat! I'm afraid I agree with a PP, I would genuinely consider ending the relationship due to his attitude. It doesn't bode well for your future together

MagnumAddict · 22/07/2017 18:34

I'm all for retaining a bit of financial independence and DH and I have separate bank accounts as well as a joint account for bills.

However we don't have separate lifestyles and if he needed cash or I did we would transfer without giving it a second thought. It's the equivalent of him sitting eating steak when all you can afford is chopped pork. Completely bizarre to me.

I'm sorry OP it must be really hurtful and I can only imagine embarrassing when you see the other couples next.

Is there any reason for him to think you'd be offended if he offered the cash?

GodIsDead · 22/07/2017 18:35

This man is a douchebag. The fact that he would go without you and not even offer to pay your way says all you need to know. The future looks grim if you stay with him. This is a deal breaker.

blue25 · 22/07/2017 18:35

Sorry, but that really doesn't sound very promising in regard to the state of your relationship. This would really hurt me and I too would feel embarrassed. Why does he want to go on holiday with 3 couples without you? It's odd.

ChasedByBees · 22/07/2017 18:35

I don't think this paints him in a positive light at all either OP.

pudcat · 22/07/2017 18:37

I really hope you are not going to spend the rest of your life with man. He is so selfish. And why would he want to go and play gooseberry with 3 other couples? Per haps he already has another partner lined up.

inkydinky · 22/07/2017 18:37

With those savings and a large salary he can easily afford it. There are two reasons he is not paying for you. 1) he has an issue with no subsidising you (not a good sign in a long term relationship) or 2) he doesn't want you to go enough to pay for you. Both are shitty in a relationship of that length and don't bode well for the future. I'd be rethinking it in your shoes.

SolomanDaisy · 22/07/2017 18:38

Do not have children with this man. Also reconsider these friendships, most people would think it v strange that he would go on a couples holiday alone because his 'partner' can't afford it.

paxillin · 22/07/2017 18:38

Unless he secretly paid for both of you and wants to surprise you, I'd LTB.

MorrisZapp · 22/07/2017 18:39

This doesn't make sense. Unless he's planning to cuddle in with one of the other couples, he'll be using a room on his own which could accommodate you anyway.

DingDongDenny · 22/07/2017 18:39

That's not what love looks like. I'd be gutted

Flushedwithsomething · 22/07/2017 18:39

Oh gosh YANBU at all.

PurpleWithRed · 22/07/2017 18:41

Another vote for YANBU and maybe it's time to review the relationship.

ExcitingButScaryTimesAhead · 22/07/2017 18:41

Talk to him first and ask him if he could help with your portion of the holiday cost.
I think there ismoee to it than just yhis holiday. Have you spoken about your long term plans for your relationship? It seems very separate at the moment - bar living together. How would it work if you get married/ have children - would he still want separate finances etc?

RainbowCookie · 22/07/2017 18:41

My inlaws do this and they've been married for over 40 years, I find the whole thing completely bizarre. Do you really want that kind of relationship?
My DH wouldn't want to go on a couples holiday without me.

ExcitingButScaryTimesAhead · 22/07/2017 18:42

..is more to it
..this

Squirmy65ghyg · 22/07/2017 18:42

Umm. What?!!?! That's not right. How selfish. You can do better OP.

numbmum83 · 22/07/2017 18:42

I can never get my head around other people's situations when it comes to money . I've always been in relationships where one pays if they have the money and vice versa. Maybe coz I've never had a relationship where either of us has had savings as such so we've lived from wage to wage but if my ex had done this he would be going on holiday as a single man coz that's cruel to do to someone you live with . Fair enough, a holiday was booked before you got together , 3 months in to the relationship the 1 part of the couple goes away , not in this instance and I would be worried about a future with a man who could treat his girlfriend , of nearly 6 years , like this. Shocking actually.

RapunzelsRealMom · 22/07/2017 18:43

Oh that's horrible of him. You are definitely not grabby.

From the moment we lived together, our money was 'our' money. Can WE afford this? Not, can I afford it?

I don't understand this way of thinking. He's mean, and certainly doesn't see you as his partner.

I'm sorry to say this but I would not stay with him