To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

[LeafyCulprit]

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness

I'm sorry he sounds awful! I'd get out now. I had a friend who married someone similar to this...took her 20 years to finally break free. He's selfish and doesn't see this as a partnership. You don't need someone like that in your life.

To be very honest if he did that to me he would be returning to an empty house.

I hope you are able to resolve things without that happening.

Good luck.

You deserve so much more.

He's not your partner. He's someone who lives in the same house as you and likes the perks of having you around. If it was early days, fair enough, but after 5.5 years you should know each other's financial arrangements and plans even if you both prefer separate accounts. He doesn't trust you or respect you enough I'm afraid. I'd be assessing whether you want to be with a man that treats you this way.

Hope you're ok OP

Wow. Firstly. Dump him. Go out. Meet nice people. Regain your faith in humanity.

I read this as a curiosity but the more I saw the more amazed I became. The tight fisted and unloving behaviour of the supposed partner of the OP is amazing. I say this for several reasons.

1 - on 100k a year (for the 5.5k pcm take home) the £150 not paid back which was paid back is a rounding error. It just isn't worth the time to account at that level of detail as generally you earn enough not to worry that much even if it happens a fair bit. I should know. Add in the savings and the likely savings rate given they have no children and he only has a £1k mortgage and not much else to pay and you have a man rolling in money, relatively speaking, who can't invest £1200 in his relationship.
2 - given (1) above it is highly likely the "partner" is an idiot for not realising it or accounts for trivia. This is an male trait where things are noticed in detail but the big picture is missed.
3 - given (2) this chap just isn't invested in the relationship in the same way as the OP LeafySomething, and won't ever be. The heat is at the start. The passion needs maintaining but marriage follows reasonably quickly when a real partnership develops. The partnership hasn't developed and therefore any marriage would be to satisfy a short term need rather than be a long term desire.
4 - because of (3) OP would be mad to marry the "partner". If they won't marry then what else is to be done? A big discussion won't resolve this character issue. We know this from the lack of cleaning. The effort to make things right for the OP just isn't there. It should be.

I hate to see people's goodwill and generosity taken advantage of, by either sex, but this is just stupid. My wife and I had separate bank accounts until we bought a house, a couple of years after we married, as it wasn't big numbers worth sharing as we had little back then. Since that point everything is joint unless for tax efficiency where income is allocated to one or the other of us. Even pension pots are just considered part of the combined wealth on the family balance sheet.

Actually my advice has changed on reflection. Push for a proposal with a Large diamond ring. Take the ring. Say "yes" then dump him and sell the ring. Deserves nothing less.

What a terrible man! To be honest I am so shocked that a relationship like this can exist with a woman thinking everything is great. Seems like it's not great, you must be a bit blind to some things there. It's not a partnership. I don't think he is good for you. Pack your bags and leave, it proved he is not a man for you. When you're old or sick will he look after you? Probably not. He is a pig. The earlier you see it the better. Relationship without respect is not worth staying even a day more. I'm so sorry for you to be with a man like him. He showed his true ugly face there.
You deserve MUCH better man xxx

I think this is horrible! When I met my husband he had already had a once in a lifetime holiday booked for February-we met in August the year before-he went home and booked me in on the trip! (Mind you we got engaged two weeks after we met) BUT-he couldn't imagine going away in holiday without me-by the time the holiday had rolled around we had been living together for 5 months

He is making a fool of you OP, and without sounding mean, I don't know how you can believe that you are really happy with him. You are paying MORE than he is for all the household bills, and not letting you contribute to the mortgage is his way of preventing you from ever making a claim on the house. Please leave him, you won't regret it. But I can guarantee you will regret wasting any more of your time on the tight fisted, controlling bastard.

I have an ex who would have done something like this .I had a child with him ,was persuaded to leave my full time job to be a sham by him and when he left us I was left us a year later was in a very vulnerable position.Not saying your partner is like this at all all but it's a red flag!

You're his lodger, not his partner

I hate to say it but I think this is a bad relationship. This man has made it very clear that he doesn't value you. Expecting you to pay half of everything is mean but forgivable but this would be a deal breaker for me. I hope you find someone nicer x

I hope you find the strength to put you are your long term happiness first.

What they said. How horrid. As bad as some things might get in my marriage I cannot imagine my husband EVER doing something like this.

What a selfish twat... stupid too. How can he hope for a healthy relationship if he's so self-centred.

Also I'm surprised he hasn't offered to at least lend you the money so that you can go. You could have agreed on a payback plan for what you can afford..... NO!!! This would be just as bad and a truly fucked up way to live a relationship!

How horrible! This is not a partnership and he definitely doesn't see you as an equal. If he did he would pay for you as well.

This is one of the saddest threads I've read.

Not so much about the holiday (although that is pretty appalling), but the fact Leafy Culprit that you sound so in love and that you want to stay with this awful man and have given him an ultimatum to propose.

You must see that you are wasting your time. There are plenty of blindingly obvious clues beyond what you have said about the diving holiday. Someone who is banging on about you owing them £150 after a 5 year relationship doesn't see the pair of you as a team. It's made much MUCH worse given your relative financial positions.

said 'I just think it's a bit shitty that you're willing to go without me, you could afford to lend me the money if you wanted to.' To which he replied 'You still owe me £150 from last years holiday, I'm not falling for that' (He paid for last years holiday when booking and I put half the money in his account within seconds of him booking it) I honestly don't think I owe him £150, I'm sure I paid him all of it on the night we booked it.

Not falling for that????!?!? Do you see how disrespectful and unkind this language is? Like you are a scammer not his gf?

If I was in dire need and really, really needed the money for something important (not a luxury like a holiday) I'm almost 100% certain he'd lend it to me.

I know my next door neighbour would lend me the money in a situation like that. He'd probably give it to me. You're not even dead certain your own partner would lend it to you! God, OP, get away from this twat.

^ 100% agree with this and all Imperial Blether's posts on this thread.

"almost certain" + "lend" - if someone was in dire straights - a stranger even - plenty of kind people would help out. But a partner??? If you aren't sure of that, what are you sure of?

He won't marry you and you are 29 which is young. Don't waste any more time here with this nasty man.

Alarm bells are definitely ringing in my head! This man sounds like a slimy, untrustworthy horror to me :-(((

YANBU. What a mean miser he is. I've been in the same situation and it hurts and gets worse. Despite so called equality, men still hold the financial power in the main. I still envy my friends whose partners have their back. It's not just about the money. It could affect other areas. If you needed his help or support in other ways would he be there for you? And what about your so called friends? Don't they find it mean of him? I'm sorry, hun. xxx

Are you there OP? Are you ok? Is there some way we can help you?

hs not falling for what?

the fact that he booked a previous holiday

what a dick

Who said THAT @dailymailreadersarethick ?

(That she is staying for the lifestyle?)

Leave. I have never said this before. Start your own life., live it, own it. You can't expect much from the years you have wasted with this tosser. Start again soon.

I won't presume I have better advice than the lovely folks who have replied already ,but please read the answers and listen to the alarm bells ringing ....they're very, very loud .
You deserve to live on an equal footing with your life partner, whatever your earnings, you deserve his respect ,and you deserve his love .......have you got it ?

^
That is exactly what I am hoping to read!