To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

[LeafyCulprit]

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness

This is totally selfish and hurtful.

Please don't marry it have children with this man.

You must be so gutted.

Though if he genuinely is a great partner in all other respects, this must be a wind up? Wait and see. But if he does jet off without you, it will be a good chance for you to think about how "lovely" he actually is...

You've been together for nearly six years and lived together for nearly four. He earns three times your salary. How are the mortgage/rent/bills divvied up? Whose name is on the mortgage/rental agreement? I hope you're named.

Otherwise you are contributing to the running of the household, both financially and time-wise (I suspect) for nothing. Tell me you're not paying half the outgoings and doing all the cleaning/cooking.

If he IS such a tight wad and so careless of your happiness he can't be bothered to take you along on the expensive holiday, I'd talk to him about the future in no uncertain terms.

You're finding money especially tight now - why? He has £80000 in savings and you have nowt? where would you go if you left him?

Good luck OP. Do reply. Or if you don't, think about things hard. It's not easy to leave a reasonably good relationship you've invested 6 years in but it seems the investment is all yours.

Please please think long and Garda out your relationship. Consider your further. What if you had kids together, or what if you ended up ill and unable to work? If he can't step up and be fair during the good times, how can you be sure when it's tough and hard, he will?

My flabber is entirely gasted.

I would ask him if he's secretly paid for you. If he hasn't, leave whilst he's gone.

That is just plain mean, honestly I'd be beyond upset, I would wait and see what happens and if he went on his own I'd leave him while he was away, if I could wait that long.

He sounds awful. There is no way I'd go away without dp because he couldn't afford it. We'd either both go or neither of us would. If I had £80,000 in savings I wouldn't even expect dp to pay in the first place knowing he was struggling tbh.

Leave him.

This isnt normal but it is common. And it's usually evidence of a financially controlling partner. I would get out now before you're trapped with kids and in debt.

Exactly what paxillin says. I'd ltb if he actually goes without you. Seriously this is not a good relationship

Genuinely cannot get my head around anyone being with someone like this.
Been together a couple of months, fine. Six years? No. Just no.

OP, I feel really sad for you and if it were me I would be seriously reevaluating my relationship.

What an absolute cunt. That would be a deal breaker for me, no question about it.

Like others have said, what happens further down the line if you have children? Heed the warning, he's showing you exactly what he is.

leave whilst he's gone.

The holiday's in February. Don't waste the next seven months with him!

Wow, after living together all these years, he is not your partner he's a room mate who get sex. What an arse he is.

I've read some pretty amazing things on MN over the years, but this is in another league.

OP I don't think you have the relationship you think you do. I think he can take or leave you. In your shoes I'd be looking for someone who sees me as a partner, not someone who thinks he can treat me so carelessly.

I don't think I'd stay with someone who would go on holiday and leave me behind in those circumstances.

What would he tell the other couples? Would he tell them the real reason you're not there? Or pretend you were busy or something?

I cannot get my head around him being able to relay this story without dying of shame for being a mean spirited arse.

If he's not secretly paying for you then I'd be reconsidering how good this relationship is.

In a few days can you say your friend has offered to take you on a spa break at the same time and that you'll go with her instead so you're not alone the whole time. See if he objects or lets the cat out of the bag?

I'm sure he must be surprising you?

Or is there going to be a drip feed along the lines of 'he's so so lovely except when it comes to money, then he's an ungenerous dick'...?

He is not "D" and he is not your "P".
Make him your "X"

I'd feel really hurt. It's a red flag too because if you were to marry and have kids, would he give you any money to take the kids out whilst he's working or would you have to totally foot that bill too?

Nothing more unattractive than a tightarse.

when dh and I first got together I earned about 15k a year more. we didn't live together then and I paid my own mortgage whilst he rented etc. after about 8months I suggested a holiday...i knew he couldn't afford it so I paid for it as I had enough for two. he wasn't completely relaxed about it so I let him buy the odd lunch but otherwise I saw it as i wanted a holiday. I wanted it with the man i loved. I didn't see it as mine and his money even then.

we are now in different roles...im a mainly at home mum and he earns a lot more. he pays for the holidays but he would never make me feel bad about it....or go without me.
you Need to consider carefully I'm afraid

I'm another one who thinks he must be surprising you as I CANNOT believe someone would be that much of a wanker!

If he went I'd seriously consider packing his bags and making him leave on his return. Looks like he doesn't factor you into his future plans!