To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

[LeafyCulprit]

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness

If it was me, unless this tool of yours was secretly planning on paying as a late xmas gift, i'd be working on my exit strategy!

At least this whole matter will save a lot of heartache in the longterm, imagine if you married him or had his kids, what a mess that would be?

Let him go on his own and make sure you move out while he's away, not forgetting to sew some cress seeds in the carpets and a couple of bags of frozen prawns in the base of the sofa, whilst turning the heating on full! Bingo, revenge is a dish best served cold!

Good luck OP and really don't waste anymore of your precious time on this asshole.

It made me feel sad reading this post. It's clear the OP loves this guy and he takes her for granted. Wishing you well OP and a man who loves you is worth leaving a committed relationship to search for. You sound lovely and you deserve more.

Oops, took so long to read the thread another 3 pages had appeared!

I'm hoping he has said he's paying for you both and it was supposed to be a surprise!

money aside, its a couples holiday and hes chose to go without you. Therefore he doesnt see the two of you as a couple. Sorry OP but its time to leave this rat!

OP
In one of your posts you said you'd given him the ring ultimatum
In another sentence you said you were planning to squirrel away money to leave.
Do you really want to be proposed to by someone you're thinking of leaving?
I only say this as I was recently in a relationship with a guy I did so much for and I think I saw the ring as a reward for putting up with him
He wasn't interested in planning a wedding he beat me three times after the proposal and now has a criminal record for it
I've made the break
Found someone wonderful
About to sell the expensive ring to afford us a holiday lol
Seriously get out you're worth more

op you really must leave this man. I realise it's easier said that done but do you really think, if you got married, he'd suddenly feel like sharing and you'd be a team, equals and you'd live happily ever after? Or would you still be hoping that he might just lend you a bit of money now and again? If so, that isn't a partnership. You wouldn't be equals. And I doubt this would make you happy. I find this so sad. Please summon the courage to leave now. 29 is young!!! X

That makes me sad inside. Me and my husband have been together 16years but even in the early days he earned 10 times what I did and would say how much do you want to put towards the hoilday which was always peanuts compared to what the hoilday cost and he never batted an eyelid. Your suppose to be a team

What if you ever want a baby will you have to still pay from half of everything when your on mat leave? He's sounds like a mean man I think your best getting out now

For the first time on MN, I've just read the OP's post to my husband.. he was horrified by the way. I said what I wanted to say upthread but his response was 'wow, that's not a partnership, there's no way I, or anyone I know would treat anyone like that' - we then discussed quite heartily for a while. Our situation is similar in respects to earning (he earns about 7k a month I earn 2.5k a month but have been out of work until recently for about 4 years out of choice). We have a joint account and pay in pro rata to salary - so say, 18% my share and 82% his share. All other money is our 'own' but my husband regularly just transfers large lump sums to my account without me even asking. He pays for holidays etc. It's just how it is, we're a team and he has much higher earning capacity than me. We are both educated and have good jobs but he lucked out on the analytic brain department and works in a lucrative industry. He's NEVER begrudged giving me anything, never ever said a word. I don't overspend though, and to be fair I do the main bulk of housework etc simply because he works longer hours. Your arrangement OP is so sad. What concerns me about your posts is the 'I'm not falling for that' comment some 18mths later over £150.00. This proportionally compared to his annual income is like telling you off for not paying back a fiver.. really tells you something about the person he is. As others have said, listen to what he's telling you and run, run like the wind. Meanness such a horrible trait.. look into the future and what do you see? Arranging a wedding on a shoestring and 'owing' him back for the wedding cake on an instalment based payment plan? Personally I would lose respect instantly for someone who didn't view us as a team.. and for Harsh poster earlier, this isn't me finding a 'rich' man to fund my lifestyle. I fell in love with my husband long before I knew how much he earned! If the tables were turned I would be more than happy to reciprocate.. I got made redundant 4 years ago and gave my husband a lump sum 'for the house'. He just see's what he earns and what I earn to be shared income which is fundamentally what a marriage/partnership should be based on.

Just to warn you OP this thread is about to fill up, when it gets to 1000 posts no one will be able to post on it any more.

So if you want to continue getting advice and support, I suggest you start a new thread and post the link here before this thread gets to 1000 posts.

battgirlatheart
How sad,so glad you got out and have got a happy ending

Take this as a preview of your life with him: he will flaunt his wealth and not include you, which isn't how you behave in a long term committed relationship. Get rid. Harsh but he won't change. As others have said, he's a selfish prick.

As a couple it should be JOINT money!

Whilst he's on holiday change the locks and kick his stuff out. He will never change. If he can't pay for your holiday, then he certainly won't pay his way when (please don't do this), you have a child together.
He is extremely mean, his friends are even meaner!
It's seems that you are in the 'wrong' social class to them.
Leave now!

I can only agree with the other posters OP. It's a rare unanimous one, isn't it?

You've given him an ultimatum to propose? If he wanted you on holiday with him, he'd pay for you. He's not bothered. Please, please, please don't let yourself be treated like this.

He's awful, OP. He really is.

Leave FFS. Your future husband will love and cherish you but you can't meet him until you are free of this wanker

Dear LeafyCulprit - could i ask if this man has been alone for a number of years before your relationship? Its just sometimes some blokes that have been alone for a long time sometimes have absolutely no idea that some things they do can be upsetting.

Have you told him how upset you are? I would ask him to really think about how it makes you feel, being left out of a holiday like this (tell him to ignore the money matters, its being left out of the holiday party you are upset about and how would he feel if you went without him). Tell him your feelings should matter to him (sounds like he needs telling).

I would cancel the SKY and explain you NEED to do this, as at the moment you are paying back (whatever it is you havent mentioned but there is some expense you have at the moment) and you want to get that out of the way, and after you have sorted that you want this to be holiday fund money. Then I would cut back on the luxury food bits of the shopping and get back to basics (its healthier anyway)!

Then ask what his thoughts are on this: that the pair of you ask the other couples if they would be prepared to pick a cheaper holiday you could afford - afterall its not so much where you go but who you go with. Be confident when you suggest this and ask why not if he comes out with some drivel.

Obviously everyone (including myself) has opinions, but its up to you LeafyCulprit if you see a future or not in your relationship - so say you are happy in other things so i think its worth tweeking/training someone in a bit of emotional awareness.

You can tell him that AuFinch lives with a man who is tighter than a camels arse in a sandstorm, but i showed him your original post and he said "yes his is being unreasonable - are you showing me this because I am tight!" haha. My man is tight with the money but he is not emotionally distant - I think this is your problem, you need to be able to talk this through with your partner and feel that he is emotially involved with you. I hope you get through it and he sees sense.

Thank you for all of the replies, I've decided to stay with my friend for a couple of days. He has been calling/ texting constantly. I've told him I want a bit of space to think. He's now doing the whole 'I love you, I can't live without you, I didn't realise how mug you wanted to come diving, of course I'll pay for you if it's that important to you, blah blah'

I don't know if I'll make another thread, I'm just going to think for the next couple of days, but if I do it'll probably be in 'relationships'

Maybe he is waiting for you to ask. If you haven't, l would and see what he says.🤔

Good luck Op

Also, OP, the sad truth is that if he wanted to marry you, he would just ask you. Someone in love doesn't need prodding into it.

Sorry OP, x post.

Good luck. xxx

of course I'll pay for you if it's that important to you

Why is it not important to him that you are there? Or that you proportionally share the household expenditure?

Glad you have some headspace to have a think. Take care