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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

999 replies

LeafyCulprit · 22/07/2017 18:23

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness Sad

OP posts:
happypoobum · 22/07/2017 18:50

He sounds utterly awful - totally mean and selfish.

I would cheerfully wave him off, and move out whilst he is away.

This should be your wake up call. Take it.

Perfectly1mperfect · 22/07/2017 18:50

If he goes without you, he's a total shit.

If you always have separate money, that's one thing, but he should either help you out or not go in these circumstances.

Bizzysocks · 22/07/2017 18:51

The only way you could be U is if you have the same disposable income and you spend yours each month ie designer handbags etc and he saves his.

Even then I would ask he pays this once and then you start saving some of your money for future holidays.

But I'm guessing this isn't the case and he has a lot more disposable income than you therefore I think he is mean and should offer to pay.

What you you going to do?

QuackDuckQuack · 22/07/2017 18:51

There are fairly regular threads on MN by women in relationships like this, but further down the road. They've ended up in debt because they are still paying half of the bills while on maternity leave. Or they are struggling to pay for the family shop while their DH spends a fortune on expensive hobbies. They've had warning signs earlier in their relationship like this holiday but either felt that was normal because that's how their parents behaved or thought that their partner loved them so couldn't/wouldn't be financially abusive.

OP - you've seen his true colours. Unless you want to live a life like this then it's time to reconsider the relationship.

Perfectly1mperfect · 22/07/2017 18:51

And I agree with what happypoobum said.

GlitterGlue · 22/07/2017 18:52

If I were one of the other couple on this holiday and heard this from the bloke on his own I'd have a permanent WTF face on for the rest of the holiday. They'll surely see him for the tightfisted fucker he is.

AlternativeTentacle · 22/07/2017 18:52

bloody hell. since the day we moved in, we paid a proportion appropriate to our salaries, into a joint account and all holidays come out of this account. don't tell me he also insists on all bills being 50/50 rather than wage appropriate?

MrsPringles · 22/07/2017 18:52

YANBU.

What a dick he is Sad

fullofhope03 · 22/07/2017 18:53

I agree with Mumisrunningamarathon. He must be paying (secretly) for you and is teasing you for a while?? I too just cannot believe the alternative.
And OP, you are NOT being grabby in the slightest!! How could you even begin to think such a thing? You sound absolutely lovely!
Please let us know how this pans out. Big HUG to you, xxx OOO

user7680 · 22/07/2017 18:53

I'd dump him sorry...that's SHOCKING

Creampastry · 22/07/2017 18:53

Leave the selfish git

DonaldStott · 22/07/2017 18:54

Well what a tight bastard. You seriously want to spend your life with this man?

AloeVeraSeeYaCilla · 22/07/2017 18:54

I'd be gutted if this were me. What a selfish wanker.

mummmy2017 · 22/07/2017 18:54

I wonder if he has thought this through?
Going on a couples holiday as a single, he is going to be a gooseberry all the time and they may not want him to go again.

I think I would have paid for you, and not worried about it...

Brittbugs80 · 22/07/2017 18:55

It's not grabby.

If it's 4 couples, that's 8 people. Is it £1200 per person? Do the others know your not going and will have to pay extra?

If so, I'd ask him why he's happy to pay extra but not to pay for you?

CalmItKermitt · 22/07/2017 18:55

What an unpleasant man.

At least now you know exactly how much he values you and your company.

timeisnotaline · 22/07/2017 18:55

I cannot believe he is lovely at all if he has genuinely done this, because this is complete self centred shit who doesn't genuinely care about anyone else at all behaviour.If one of my friends did this I couldn't hang out with them until they were honest with their poor partner and dumped them, as I'd assume none of my friends could possibly do this to someone they were in an actual long term relationship with. If I'd dump a friend over this imagine what I think of being the partner of this guy...

BewareOfDragons · 22/07/2017 18:55

Wow.

I hope he is also paying 3x as much towards the living expenses and bills!

Honestly? I wouldn't be there when he got back under the circumstances. If you couldn't get the time off work, that would be different. But if it's purely down to the fact that he has so much more than you do, yet 6 years in he still views it as your problem, then I would be out of there. I couldn't even begin to imagine having children with someone so mean and mine vs yours.

Wow

ofudginghell · 22/07/2017 18:56

I'm waiting/Hoping op comes back to say he's surprised her and booked and paid for both of them Hmm

BraveBear · 22/07/2017 18:56

I'll join in with the choir - DO NOT have children with him. You'll join the ranks of women who try to get by on maternity benefit and savings while providing free childcare, cleaning, shopping and cooking. Financially tight easily turns into financially abusive.

AnyFucker · 22/07/2017 18:57

You are neither a couple nor a partnership. At least in his eyes

For God's sake don't ever have kids with this bloke

LeannePerrins · 22/07/2017 18:57

He sounds absolutely awful. Be thankful that he's shown you his true colours and run for the hills.

I honestly couldn't continue the relationship if he went without me. Miserliness is one of the most unattractive qualities possible.

Branleuse · 22/07/2017 18:57

I'd be devastated at that. Is there any chance he has secretly paid for you and is just pulling your leg? Otherwise he is definitely a stingy tight fisted bastard

NikiBabe · 22/07/2017 18:58

If I was in that position with a partner Id pay for them. Money wouldn't be a factor and tbh I wouldn't want to go without a partner on a couples holiday.

SparkyBlue · 22/07/2017 18:58

This man is NOT your partner. If he has an excellent salary then this should be a complete non issue. If he books this without you then you seriously need to think about your future.