Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stop my daughter going to her year 6 disco

223 replies

user1498911470 · 19/07/2017 16:36

It's tonight, she has decided at the last minute to go but has been refusing to get her clothes ready when asked, is now refusing to help by putting away the ironing board and is generally being rude.

I'm so tempted to say that she can't go but on the other hand it's her last chance to go to a disco at primary school; she hasn't been to any of the others as she doesn't like discos so I was pretty surprised when she said she wanted to go.

OP posts:
TheFairyCaravan · 19/07/2017 22:00

Not picking petty battles over a poxy ironing board doesn't mean that you don't give your children boundaries.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 19/07/2017 22:01

So if a teacher asked an 11yr old to do a small job before they went outside for eg and the child just point blank refused and gave the teacher a mouthful of cheek and sat glaring at them that would also be fine then? And if not why on earth would you teach your child that is acceptable behaviour at home?

DixieNormas · 19/07/2017 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChasingHighs · 19/07/2017 22:05

Not everything your child does has to be a lesson. They don't have to earn every single thing they want to do.

ChasingHighs · 19/07/2017 22:06

Well my kids didn't Maybe yours do,

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 19/07/2017 22:07

Cotbyn A teacher is not the same a parent Hmm

And, surprisingly my dds both acted quite differently at home and at school. I didn't insist they worked quietly whilst playing a game, and they didn't put their hand up to answer a question, or call me 'miss'.

Original poster
user1498911470 · 19/07/2017 22:07

*You said she decided to "go at the last minute"

Well why wasn't she going all along? Were her friends going?*

She wasn't going all along because she hasn't been to a disco since infant school - she hates them as they are too noisy. Yes, her friends were going. I asked her if she wanted to go when we got the letter last week and she was adamant that she was not going but then came out of school telling me that she wanted to go. I agreed and we spoke about what she wanted to wear, I told her to get the dress and bring downstairs so I could see if it needed ironing but she didn't want to as she wanted to do other stuff instead.

OP posts:
CorbynsBumFlannel · 19/07/2017 22:09

No-one has cancelled a disco. The child had to do one small job before leaving. If a child refused to follow a teachers instructions to do something before break and gave cheek to the teacher I'm pretty sure they would find themselves losing their breaktime and rightly so. And parents on here would be up at the school complaining no doubt.

Original poster
user1498911470 · 19/07/2017 22:09

oh, and she did go. She came out saying that she'd enjoyed it and then came home and started being Kevin the teenager again, probably because she was tired and over emotional.

OP posts:
CorbynsBumFlannel · 19/07/2017 22:11

Glad to hear she managed to fold the ironing board op. I'm sure she'll get over the indignity.

Summerswallow · 19/07/2017 22:11

Corbyn google authoritarian parenting, that's where you tell your child to do something with unquestioning obedience as you suggest, it has much poorer outcomes across all types of areas, such as school performance, more likely to be bullies, more likely to rebel etc. Much better is authoritative parenting where you have boundaries, but you react with kindness and emotional intelligence (so might adapt to the situation and not enforce a harsh punishment in every situation) and also give reasons (I need you to put the ironing board away so I don't trip over it, all said in a calm non escalating way, not threatening to take away the disco).

You don't need unquestioning obedience, your children are not in school, there are not 30 of them and there is no need for crowd control, they are at home, are allowed to express feelings there, uncertainty, even push those boundaries occasionally, because that's the safe place to do it! You don't need to to parent as if you were a strict teacher.

keeplooking · 19/07/2017 22:12

I must just ask, op. Re your ironing board - does it fold up easily, or does it mangle you, like mine does?

Summerswallow · 19/07/2017 22:13

user I will bow out then as she obviously had a great time, and I also have an 11 year old so I know what it's like!

MommaGee · 19/07/2017 22:15

OP glad she enjoyed it

CorbynsBumFlannel · 19/07/2017 22:15

I'm well aware of parenting she's and a mixture of boundaries and kindness is best. By age 11 there is a problem though if kids haven't learned to follow simple instructions though. School teachers, other peoples parents etc tend not to find it particularly endearing.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 19/07/2017 22:17

I'm pretty sure they would find themselves losing their breaktime and rightly so. And parents on here would be up at the school complaining no doubt.

No, I would support the teacher. But I am not my child's teacher so don't expect her to behave the same way to me as she does at school.

Do you behave the same at work as you do at home?

ChasingHighs · 19/07/2017 22:18

I'm glad she enjoyed it. You will probably laugh with her about the ironing board incident one day.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 19/07/2017 22:18

I also don't see what the op did as being particularly punitive. The ironing board needed to be put away. The child was asked to do it and would have delayed leaving if they hadn't. A natural consequence I'd say.

Starlight2345 · 19/07/2017 22:24

Glad she went and had a good time..

Gin Gin Gin Sending you this to get you through the next 6 weeks with Kevin

Original poster
user1498911470 · 19/07/2017 22:55

@Starlight2345 thanks! Once it's the holidays Kevina will no doubt be lovely Grin

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 20/07/2017 10:18

She's likely to be a bundle of emotions with school finishing and going through puberty. It'd give her a break. Just give her a hug and ask if she thinks she might be acting up as she feels sad about finishing school etc.

User843022 · 20/07/2017 10:30

'She's likely to be a bundle of emotions with school finishing and going through puberty'
Yes it apparently its 'hand wringy' to point out this very obvious fact. If we don't have our dc doing exactly what we say when we say they'll end up feral according to a couple of frothy posters on here.

BlueIsYou · 20/07/2017 12:15

I find it hilarious (no, not really), that parents think they will know exactly what and what doesn't impact their children emotionally.

An event like this may bring up a lot of nerves for her DC, it's a hard time for some in a lot of ways. My year 6 disco was extremely nerve wracking. I wanted to look lovely for it, yet even so, I had never been to one before so felt extremely shy.

We don't always know what's going on in our children's Head.

I would have just put the bloody ironing board away for her and had a chat about it later if it bothered me that much

MsHarry · 20/07/2017 14:51

It doesn't have to be a choice between stern request and submissive mum. There is an assertive but caring middle ground as in wrapping your arms around her, telling her you love her and understand but mum has asked her to do a little job and she needs to do what she's asked.

CosyLulu · 20/07/2017 17:28

Wow. Wait until you have a real teenager - this is so minor. At least she's making an effort to go to something that is a challenge. If you start battling with her now, you won't win later, you'll just get her to love challenges. It's all way way way worse when they pass 14.

Swipe left for the next trending thread