to stop my daughter going to her year 6 disco

[user1498911470]

It's tonight, she has decided at the last minute to go but has been refusing to get her clothes ready when asked, is now refusing to help by putting away the ironing board and is generally being rude.

I'm so tempted to say that she can't go but on the other hand it's her last chance to go to a disco at primary school; she hasn't been to any of the others as she doesn't like discos so I was pretty surprised when she said she wanted to go.

We are going to have to agree to differ on this one, Jayne. You don't sound very friendly. You sound rather defensive.

Parenting is about understanding why a child is behaving badly, not just coming down on them like a ton of bricks for every sodding 'bad' thing they do.
This times 100. I remember as clearly as if they were yesterday various moments from my childhood when my parents were more concerned about making sure I was punished for some sodding bad thing I did than why I acted the way I did (I was normally very anxious to please).

It might be that she is nervous about going, so she's trying to sabotage it without realising that's what she's doing. Assuming this is the case:

How about simply asking her "are you refusing to put it away because you are nervous about going?". By appearing to be on her side, you might then catch her off-guard. Rather than doggedly teaching her "obey or else" (it's often been said on MN than total unquestioning obedience isn't a good thing in general), teaching her to face her fears is just as vital.

Here are other ways this kind of self-sabotage could happen: I could get "ill" before that tennis match because I'm nervous about facing my opponent. I could avoid that scary job interview by missing my train. I don't have to open that tenth identical letter from the bank. I think there might be a far bigger issue here than whether she has put the ironing board away or not.

Not "the woman of the house". Mum.

Mum is the woman of the house in this scenario. And it's a really, really bad thing for women in society in general when you raise your children allowing them to treat that person like a servant. It models the treatment your daughters will allow and that your sons will perpetrate.

You couldn't be cutting a child much more slack than doing their ironing for them when they last minute decide to go to an event, and then ask them to do a 30 second job to help out. So really by cutting slack you mean 'Allow them to glare, be rude and do nothing'. That's not cutting them slack, just slack parenting. Sadly, the rest of us have to interact with the types of young people that your type of parenting produces.

TBH Blinkinrosie, you don't come out of this very well either.

The woman of the house or her mum?

Agreed JayneAustin

My type of parenting .

Has she put it away yet, OP?

'Sadly, the rest of us have to interact with the types of young people that your type of parenting produces.'

Oh Jayne stop being so patronising.

Fwiw I agree to making sure chores etc are done however having a standoff over the ironing board prior to a leavers disco is hardly productive or helpful.

I'm not at all defensive, just irritated because threads like this are a big window into a generation of entitled teens and young adults, that sadly the rest of us have to deal with.

FWIW, I'm all for talking about feelings. My kids and I share a lot and are very open as a family where possible. It is possible to also insist on respect. We don't EVER do 'punishments' (taking away tech etc) as others have suggested, just allow the natural consequences of their actions to come through.

Also, I don't think the OP has told us yet: is your DD normally difficult like this? If she's normally helpful, then something is up.

I'm still laughing at The woman of the house' It's a bit 1950s.

Yep, and we'll stay stuck in the 1950s as long as people think it's acceptable for mum to do the ironing and get treated like crap.

School disco on a Wednesday? What kind of world are we living in?

You stipulated conditions, DD should meet them before she expects to go to the disco. That's the way the world works, some people on here are going far too OTT with it.

'Sadly, the rest of us have to interact with the types of young people that your type of parenting produces.'

Conversely I could childishly say that the rest of us have to interact with the wound up overwrought type of young people your 'type of parenting produces'.

It's an ironing board, it shouldn't have escalated but to have a parent consider cancelling her DD attending a leavers do on the back of the DD not putting it away and glaring is ridiculously 'hand wringy' and very ott.

Good god far too much hysterical over analysis of this situation.

"Oh there must be something wrong/she must be anxious/this is an emotional time" and the list goes on. How about she's being an obnoxious brat and needs to learn that actions have consequences?

'How about she's being an obnoxious brat and needs to learn that actions have consequences?'
Yes she no doubt is. I don't think anyone has advocated letting dc do what they like all the time have they ? Just maybe cut her a bit of slack on this one occasion.
Or keep telling her dd to put it away and then she'll be in tears etc etc.
I prefer to pick my battles and when to have them.

Wannabe- I'm glad it's not just me ! Do what you are told and then you can do what you want to !!

God, sometimes I get snappy just before I go out and even leave the ironing board up if I'm in a rush. I put it down when I get in later.

It's quite ridiculous to let it escalate to not attending 'the' big event of leaver's week over an ironing board.

If you have general issues with stroppiness/tidying away, address these sensibly at another time, not just before a big night out. It's also interesting this child has never been to a disco at school before, not clear why, but it's clearly not 'just another disco' to this particular child.

Posters have disagreed on what battles to pick and the thread turns nasty.

I'm with you about the ironing board. It's one little thing she could easily do. You're not asking her to clean the chimney.

Getting ready is sometimes a little stressful. I don't shout at people or take my bad mood out on them at all, but if they started to get in my face saying 'have you got your clothes ready?' 'put the board away, put the board away or you won't go out' then I might sigh or snap. That's the whole point. It's fine to feel a bit nervous and let a child go through that without pushing them at that time point. The board could be put away later. I bet the child would run in so happy that she'd succeeded in going to something she's obviously felt unable or uninterested in doing, it would be a major success, why would you try to stop that with pettiness?

This reminds me of the type of person who posts that they have cancelled their child's birthday party as they've been naughty. Of course children need reprimanding, of course they need structure and consequences. But honestly, if you start having to deprive your children of key events like the Leaver's Disco or their own birthday party, then you are not succeeding in general, really you are not.

If she REALLY wants to go she can put the ironing board away after her mother has ironed her clothes and sort herself out. Simples. She is not panicking about her appearance and asking for help, she is sitting there doing nothing and glaring and acting in a spoilt and entitled manner. The ball's in her court. Sounds like she wants a way out and not go which she can blame the OP for.