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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stop my daughter going to her year 6 disco

223 replies

user1498911470 · 19/07/2017 16:36

It's tonight, she has decided at the last minute to go but has been refusing to get her clothes ready when asked, is now refusing to help by putting away the ironing board and is generally being rude.

I'm so tempted to say that she can't go but on the other hand it's her last chance to go to a disco at primary school; she hasn't been to any of the others as she doesn't like discos so I was pretty surprised when she said she wanted to go.

OP posts:
FrayedHem · 19/07/2017 17:08

There were lots of tears from the children today at my DS1's Yr 6 leavers assembly at the church. DS1 wasn't one of the ones crying, but he is refusing to have the McDonald's for lunch tomorrow(!). I think it can all be a bit overwhelming, and if she isn't usually a disco person, she may be a bit anxious about that too.

Flyinggeese · 19/07/2017 17:08

She might also be feeling emotional and can't express it properly. End of year 6 is quite a milestone and all sorts of emotions are involved!

elevenclips · 19/07/2017 17:10

Do you want the argument and missing of the disco to be her enduring memory of primary school? Instead of treating her like a responsible adult, which she is not, remember why she's Kevin the teenager. Because her body is changing and her school life is changing massively. If my (otherwise very well behaved dd) did this, I'd sort her clothes out, take them to her and say I hope she enjoys the disco. You need to be her mum on this occasion, not require 100% perfect and considerate behaviour from a primary school child.

elevenclips · 19/07/2017 17:14

And I will add that on the other end of the spectrum from the bratty and demanding person you fear bringing up, there is the type of person accustomed to having stand-offs/ultimatums like some posters have suggested. That type of person is just as bad as a bratty person. Difficult to deal with, issuing ultimatums of their own.

You need to being up a person in the middle. Compromise.

Lindy2 · 19/07/2017 17:15

I would guess that this particular school disco will be special and something she remembers for the rest of her life.
I can never understand why parents threaten to stop children attending pivotal moments in their life like this as punishments when other consequences could be chosen. The same applies to birthday parties etc.

mistermagpie · 19/07/2017 17:16

I have had social anxiety my whole life and even now at 37 can be a bit stroppy when getting ready for a big event. I'm not proud of this but if my hair goes wrong or my zip bursts or something I often say I'm not going to go. I always do, and admit it's immature but it's nerves and anxiety that cause it.

I'd say that's what's going on here too, plus, she is still very young so it's ten times worse. Could you gently ask if she still wants to go? Maybe the whole ironing board stand off is a way out?

NanFlanders · 19/07/2017 17:17

I wouldn't have wanted my dd to miss her primary school prom. I think she'll remember it forever. Ground her for a week or something (agree that she needs consequences), but don't stop her going.

DoneInn · 19/07/2017 17:20

Blimey OP you are going to have more important battles than this. You are trying to score points off her at an emotional time.

JayneAusten · 19/07/2017 17:21

When I read about how other people parent, it really sheds light on why so many kids are entitled brats.

Of course she shouldn't get to go to the disco if she can't even fetch her own clothes and do the bare minimum towards getting herself ready. Role modelling allowing a mother in the family to be treated like a servant is a terrible example for any child. If she wants to go she can make an effort. Pivotal moment in her life my arse! It's a disco age 11 - get a grip.

everythingissoblinkinrosie · 19/07/2017 17:23

Jayne - please lighten up.

JackieMac77 · 19/07/2017 17:23

Its too harsh a punishment for such a trivial misdemeanor IMO. I take it you do warn of a specific consequence rather than just give out a punishment, don't you? A warning, followed by time out (maximum 10 minutes, then she puts the ironing board away). Finally, if she still refuses to put it away, an appropriate consequence such as no technology in the morning seems more reasonable.

ChasingHighs · 19/07/2017 17:24

Just let her go. No need for dramas and punishments.

demirose87 · 19/07/2017 17:25

Let her go the disco

GinaFordCortina · 19/07/2017 17:25

You've asked her to put away the ironing board (after doing her ironing!), you haven't asked her to paint the fence. If she doesn't go she doesn't go.

missyB1 · 19/07/2017 17:26

if she wants to go she will help with the chores, if shes not bothered that's up to her. Ball is in her court!

There are no rewards for laziness and disobedience in my house.

GinaFordCortina · 19/07/2017 17:27

Pivotal moment in her life my arse! It's a disco age 11 - get a grip.
jayne lighten up

I'd say it's everyone else who is taking this very seriously. It's a school disco.

ChasingHighs · 19/07/2017 17:27

Just let her go. Ignore the 'not in my house"posters.

HackAttack · 19/07/2017 17:29

If it were me she'd go after she put the ironing board away and spoke to me politely. It's amazing how many mnetters would rather find excuses for children than actually parent.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 19/07/2017 17:29

Telling a child they can go to the disco after they have done a small job isn't mot letting them go! I suppose if she refused her tea the op should spoofed it to her as well rather than leave her to decide for herself. Ywbu to ban her from the disco op but yanbu to insist she does a small job. No wonder kids are how they are these days. Maybe the op should dress her and carry her thereas well for good measure? Hmm

ChasingHighs · 19/07/2017 17:30

Not every thing ypur child does has to have conditions and chores attached to it
Not every thing has to be a reward for being good.

Sometimes it's nice just to be nice to your kids.

Original poster
user1498911470 · 19/07/2017 17:31

@chasinghighs Sometimes it's nice just to be nice to your kids.

Do you think I'm not being nice?

OP posts:
everythingissoblinkinrosie · 19/07/2017 17:31

It's not any old school disco. It's the Leavers disco. That's a big deal.

For every entitled snowflake on MN there are people whose parents never cut them any slack during emotionally tricky times. Like this one.

Save the important life lessons about consequences for another day.

JayneAusten · 19/07/2017 17:34

Why are punishments (time out/no tech) 'more appropriate'? Surely the most appropriate thing is not a punishment but a natural consequence for her rude and unpleasant actions? You don't do the things that we need to do to get ready (bring your clothes, put the ironing board away when I've kindly ironed for you) then unfortunately we can't go. How else do children learn that actions have consequences? What good would letting her away with the rudeness and then taking her phone off her (or whatever) at a later date teach her? Really odd parenting ideas.

Loved the 'lighten up' comment from the 'pivotal moment/she'll remember this forever' type. Grin

mistermagpie · 19/07/2017 17:34

But does she really want to go? Not getting her clothes out and then the ironing board shenanigans suggest to me that maybe she doesn't...

Lulu1083 · 19/07/2017 17:38

primary school prom? 😂 Jesus.

I agree with Jayne, if the dd wants to go all she needs to do is an ironing board away. Hardly an onerous task.