Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DH making plans with a random woman

404 replies

Worried567 · 19/07/2017 08:05

Hello, I am a regular long term poster and have NC for this. I'm worried about a situation with my DH and I'm hoping IABU and over reacting, and that you will all tell me to get a grip...

I've been with my DH for 3 years, married for 18 months. He is lovely and I have never had grounds to suspect him of anything before. 2 days ago however I was using his Ipad (I often do this as mine is knackered and runs slowly) and a message on FB flashed up from a name I didn't recognise, but only for a few seconds. I couldn't help myself and went into his messages - I know this is terrible, please go easy on me as I wish I hadn't.

Basically he had messaged one of his "friends" on FB out of the blue telling her she looked gorgeous in a recent profile pic change, which started a conversation between them, with him initiating them meeting up for coffee, which is due to happen this afternoon. The thing is, he has over 800 FB friends, and I've never heard him mention her before. It looks like they used to live in the same town, but there were no previous messages between them other than a happy Birthday about 6 months ago.

Should I be worried? I always thought he wasn't the type, but why contact someone from the past to compliment their looks? Our marriage is good, we haven't been intimate for a while, mainly due to our work patterns and tiredness on both our parts. Please can anyone help

OP posts:
Finola1step · 19/07/2017 08:07

If you know where and when they are meeting for coffee, why not just turn up?

QuiteLikely5 · 19/07/2017 08:08

I would be concerned if my husband was messaging women telling them they were beautiful!

And also concerned if he was meeting said women for coffee!!!

FemaleDilbert · 19/07/2017 08:08

I'd be worried if he hasn't told you about it

peonie83 · 19/07/2017 08:09

I'd be waiting in there waiting!! Probably somewhere discreet and I would rock up to their table and say hi!

Sunshinegirls · 19/07/2017 08:09

Ask him what he's up to this afternoon, casual conversation, if he lies then you have a problem.

lanouvelleheloise · 19/07/2017 08:09

I would definitely be worried, but not totally panicked. The comment about her looks is inappropriate and already oversteps a boundary. The meeting is being kept secret from you, which is also slightly concerning.

If possible, I think I would be tempted to stay very quiet and act normally and just to watch how this develops. You will soon find out if this is a meet up between old friends or something more sinister. It's the only way you'll really know.

Original poster
Worried567 · 19/07/2017 08:10

I don't think I'd have the nerve to do that - they are meeting near her work, in a village where I ever go, it would look fishy if I turned up I think.

OP posts:
Justhadmyhaircut · 19/07/2017 08:10

Def show up or he will deny going. .

Then you need to ltb. .

TheSnowFairy · 19/07/2017 08:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SheSaidHeSaid · 19/07/2017 08:10

I agree with sunshine, his reaction will tell you how it is.

ThorsMistress · 19/07/2017 08:11

I would be annoyed if DP sent a message telling someone they looked gorgeous as he never compliments me Angry

Like PP said, if you know the time and location could you go earlier and hide in a corner?

ChickenBhuna · 19/07/2017 08:12

Without knowing your husband's character better I'd be concerned. Surely it's tempting to ask him about his day when he gets back from coffee with this woman and see if he's honest about this friend?

Does he have a wide social circle though which naturally includes some women? If so , have you met any of his female friends?

Basically, is this out of character or not? That is the issue here.

Original poster
Worried567 · 19/07/2017 08:12

*never not ever.

Oh god I feel sick now

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 19/07/2017 08:12

You wouldn't have the nerve to show up there and it'd look fishy if you did?

Why would that even matter if you caught them?

You'll have your proof there and then

What do you plan on doing then?

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 19/07/2017 08:13

Shes probably someone he went to school with.

I know this is a radical idea - but have you actually tried talking to him? It's what people in relationships do. See if it were me I'd have piped up when using the ipad "ooh message from Mary, coffee at 3" which opens the whole conversation about Mary and their shared background. But hen, DH & I don't distrust each other, but neither do w e live in each others pockets.

ConstanceCraving · 19/07/2017 08:13

That sounds worrying OP. I would say something before he goes to meet her personally.

RhubardGin · 19/07/2017 08:13

If you know where and when they are meeting for coffee, why not just turn up?

Please don't do this, you'll look like a crazy woman.

It does sound suspicious, I wouldn't like it.

Ask him if he fancies meeting you for a coffee this afternoon. He might tell the truth and if he lies you'll know something isn't right.

Tomorrow mention that someone saw him having coffee with this mystery woman and casually say that he didn't mention it.

Hope it's innocent OP.

Original poster
Worried567 · 19/07/2017 08:14

Thesnowfairy it was 2 days ago, but today they are meeting. If you don't believe me please PM me and I'll give you my previous username or contact MumsnetHQ

OP posts:
Original poster
Worried567 · 19/07/2017 08:15

I was going to wait and see if he mentions it tonight, and see if he makes plans again or if it was a genuine once off catch up

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 19/07/2017 08:15

Ask him what he's up to today? Or grab a friend and go to that cafe and be there first? But only if he doesn't admit the coffee thing,

However, if I'm totally honest, I've never played these games with my husband, I'd just right out say what's this who is she etc,

ConstanceCraving · 19/07/2017 08:16

Has he acted differently recently OP? Been guarding his phone etc?

Elephant17 · 19/07/2017 08:16

It could well be innocent but can see your concern.

If you want to bring it up with him you'll need to confess that you read his private message (which was nosy but I understand why you did it, and nowhere near as bad as picking up a phone or iPad with the sole intention of snooping!).

I don't really know what else would put your mind at rest other than speaking to him about it? Wait until he gets home tonight, he might come out and tell you himself but otherwise I'd probably mention something.

If he had told you he had plans to meet an old female friend, would you be funny about it?

Agadooo · 19/07/2017 08:17

If he knows you sometimes use his iPad then why not say 'I was using your iPad and a message flashed up from x about u meeting today?'

ConstanceCraving · 19/07/2017 08:17

The fact he's not mentioned that he's meeting up with an old friend is odd. The fact that he contacted her to tell her she looked gorgeous is even odder.

Talk to him pronto.

mummmy2017 · 19/07/2017 08:18

Eastenders plot on the go, Tell him you saw the message and ask who she is.. easy