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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DH making plans with a random woman

404 replies

Worried567 · 19/07/2017 08:05

Hello, I am a regular long term poster and have NC for this. I'm worried about a situation with my DH and I'm hoping IABU and over reacting, and that you will all tell me to get a grip...

I've been with my DH for 3 years, married for 18 months. He is lovely and I have never had grounds to suspect him of anything before. 2 days ago however I was using his Ipad (I often do this as mine is knackered and runs slowly) and a message on FB flashed up from a name I didn't recognise, but only for a few seconds. I couldn't help myself and went into his messages - I know this is terrible, please go easy on me as I wish I hadn't.

Basically he had messaged one of his "friends" on FB out of the blue telling her she looked gorgeous in a recent profile pic change, which started a conversation between them, with him initiating them meeting up for coffee, which is due to happen this afternoon. The thing is, he has over 800 FB friends, and I've never heard him mention her before. It looks like they used to live in the same town, but there were no previous messages between them other than a happy Birthday about 6 months ago.

Should I be worried? I always thought he wasn't the type, but why contact someone from the past to compliment their looks? Our marriage is good, we haven't been intimate for a while, mainly due to our work patterns and tiredness on both our parts. Please can anyone help

OP posts:
Roomster101 · 19/07/2017 10:10

The problem with asking randoms on the internet is that some people seem to think anything is suspicious, (often because they were cheated on themselves or are just naturally very jealous people) while others will argue that nothing is (perhaps because they are trying to convince themselves their own partner hasn't behaved suspiciously). Only you know the norms of your relationship -strangers can't help.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 19/07/2017 10:11

Time to pee on his chips !
Tell him that you'd like to join them, seeing as though you have a window free yourself.

Purplepicnic · 19/07/2017 10:12

All these people suggesting turning up at the cafe. What's that going to achieve? She'll see them sitting there drinking coffee, they're unlikely to be shagging across the table.

You can tell from the messages that there's nothing going on thus far. I would keep an eye on things and see if he tries to turn it into something.

thiswillhavetodo · 19/07/2017 10:12

It does sound a bit odd.... but at least he's kind of told you. Better than downright lying "no I'm really busy at work all day" etc.... I would just ask him how coffee was tonight ask casually!!!! about 'lisa' and see how you feel after that. If you still feel uneasy then I would bring up the pics &/or comments and tell him how they made you feel, as a pp said they may have been a genuine passing comment that just sounded a bit dodgy, if so, he will explain that and re assure you! Good luck... will be following to see what happens! ❤️

thiswillhavetodo · 19/07/2017 10:13

Nope.... Sarah!! Sorry!! Names are confusing - whichever one you don't know and he was due to meet

Figgygal · 19/07/2017 10:13

The amount of projection on this thread is ridiculous

He's told you where he's going have an adult conversation about it when he gets home

My husband calls friends of ours gorgeous it doesn't mean he's rutting with them every time my back is turned

Original poster
Worried567 · 19/07/2017 10:14

He does compliment me a lot, which makes it slightly better I suppose. He does tend to compliment people a lot in general, on clothes etc, not in a creepy way though. I still don't like him sending the PM in that context though!

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 19/07/2017 10:14

I'd be suspicious but don't play games, it'd make you look mental, just speak to him like a fucking adult.

Bahhhhhumbug · 19/07/2017 10:14

Can you check out if the other one really is going on her fb or on dhs I pad (in for a penny and all that) . I would be less worried if he was genuinely meeting more than one person unless he's planning a threesome . Wrt the compliment my DH once told an old friend of his she looked stunning ( she did) after a new haircut when we were in our local. We'd not been going out long and l thought ....hmmm. He then said it a few times over as though he couldn't get over it iykwim. Nothing came of it and as he was drunk at the time he probably didn't even remember. I figured he had known her a long time and they were both single so had he wanted go out with her he could have as they obviously tbought the world of each other ( and she is now a close friend to both of us) but he chose me instead. He sometimes comments a newsreader is gorgeous etc and it doesn't bother me as it's just an observation with him l think and he will equally say 'oh so and so looked rough tonight/has aged a lot' to me later on after a night out etc. I think some people just make observations about people's looks then come out with them and l dont think some people are diplomatic enough to stop and think this might upset their DW/ DH/ DP

m4rdybum · 19/07/2017 10:15

He's technically not hidden anything from you now, as he's told you he's going for coffee with this woman.

I'd be a little miffed that he had gone out of his way to tell another woman she looks beautiful, but it's a weird one - I'd feel daft getting mad at him for it.

That being said, I do trust my DH and also feel comfortable enough to ask him outright if I'm feeling a bit jealous.

LizzieMacQueen · 19/07/2017 10:15

Point 1 - you've been married 18 months and already you haven't been intimate for a while - that;s a red flag surely. Don't you fancy each other any more?

Point 2 - what about work, it's a Wednesday afternoon, don't you have jobs to be in?

Wreckingball25 · 19/07/2017 10:16

The only men that have sent me similar direct messages complimenting me have been inappropriate (best mate of an ex, ex of a mate), they don't want people to see the sentiment publicly!
It's creepy if unsolicited.

squirtymcsquirterson · 19/07/2017 10:17

Don't turn up at the cafe - that's a bit nutty. But if you know the mutual friend you could ask to join - it won't be a problem if there's nothing suspect going on. I probably have a cynical approach though as ExH was a compulsive liar and I had to resort to tactics to catch him out.

Firenight · 19/07/2017 10:19

Just tell him you saw the message! No big deal.

I meet up with friends (of both genders) often without telling my husband. To be fair I don't usually compliment them but if it was a particularly stunning picture I might.

twisterinyogapants · 19/07/2017 10:20

Say 'great ! where? Will meet you there'

CoughLaughFart · 19/07/2017 10:24

Point 2 - what about work, it's a Wednesday afternoon, don't you have jobs to be in?

Not everyone works 9 - 5.

user1497444078 · 19/07/2017 10:30

The main issue here is your jealousy/invasion of DH privacy. There's no justification for snooping through his messages.

He's not been over protective of his phone and has been pretty open so I don't see anything suspicious here.

You on the other hand are already displaying controlling behaviour. Good luck to your DH.

happymumof4crazykids · 19/07/2017 10:31

Look on Facebook you know who she is see if she's friends with Lisa? TBH I think he is trying to start something with this woman. No way would I be so calm as you. I would have arranged for a friend to go there and spy.

GlitteryFluff · 19/07/2017 10:36

I would talk to him later. I wouldn't turn up there.

NikkiNoodle91 · 19/07/2017 10:38

You could maybe message Lisa if you know her and make out like you are just double checking she can still make it for coffee later? If she says she never planned to have coffee with you and dh you know it's a bit dodgy. I would be annoyed at my dp calling other women gorgeous as he would with me calling another man gorgeous etc.

Giantwhoopsie · 19/07/2017 10:39

When he gets home later, I would ask the following....

How did your coffee go?
Did they both turn up?
Any gossip?
I haven't heard you mention (insert name) before how did your catch up come about?

and see what he says.

and see what he says

Donthate · 19/07/2017 10:40

dodgy as hell and he is being very clever half covering his tracks.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 19/07/2017 10:43

I haven't rtft but I'd be pissed if dh didn't tell me about it. Couldn't care less if he met a woman for coffee, I don't police who he is friends with but if he lied about it even by omission I'd go mad!

honeyroar · 19/07/2017 10:44

Id have replied to the message straight away in a chatty way, "oh right, have a nice time. Say hi to Lisa. Do I know Caroline?" See wha he came back with - it might explain things.. At the moment it does sound slightly suspicious. I'd happily meet male friends and be happy for my husband to meet female friends, but we'd tell each other out of respect and courtesy and to avoid a situation where the other one feels anxious.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 19/07/2017 10:47

I bet tonight if you ask him, you'll find something came up for poor 'Lisa' and she couldn't make it...

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