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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DH making plans with a random woman

404 replies

Worried567 · 19/07/2017 08:05

Hello, I am a regular long term poster and have NC for this. I'm worried about a situation with my DH and I'm hoping IABU and over reacting, and that you will all tell me to get a grip...

I've been with my DH for 3 years, married for 18 months. He is lovely and I have never had grounds to suspect him of anything before. 2 days ago however I was using his Ipad (I often do this as mine is knackered and runs slowly) and a message on FB flashed up from a name I didn't recognise, but only for a few seconds. I couldn't help myself and went into his messages - I know this is terrible, please go easy on me as I wish I hadn't.

Basically he had messaged one of his "friends" on FB out of the blue telling her she looked gorgeous in a recent profile pic change, which started a conversation between them, with him initiating them meeting up for coffee, which is due to happen this afternoon. The thing is, he has over 800 FB friends, and I've never heard him mention her before. It looks like they used to live in the same town, but there were no previous messages between them other than a happy Birthday about 6 months ago.

Should I be worried? I always thought he wasn't the type, but why contact someone from the past to compliment their looks? Our marriage is good, we haven't been intimate for a while, mainly due to our work patterns and tiredness on both our parts. Please can anyone help

OP posts:
poppp · 19/07/2017 10:48

I'm afraid I would have to go there. I'd go mad if DH even sent a private message like that to anyone. It's disrespectful and slightly creepy. Plus where's your invite? If he had nothing to hide and you'd sent a message asking to meet for a coffee why wouldn't he invite you along?

Gemini69 · 19/07/2017 10:48

I wouldn't be happy at him privately messaging a friend to say 'She was Gorgeous' ...

in fact I'd be bloody fuming that he then arranged to meet this 'gorgeous' woman he's been messaging... that's just not on OP.. I feel heart sorry for this predicament you find yourself in....

personally I would drive/walk past the cafe/meeting place... just to confirm he did go... then ask him about it tonight.. but you have to do what feels right for you lovely...

good luck xx

Blossomdeary · 19/07/2017 10:49

Talk to him. You have to have trust between you. Just do it. Hard I know, but it is the best way forward.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 19/07/2017 10:50

You could say, "oh who's Sarah? I'll come, I'm bored' :)"

See how he reacts.

Notknownatthisaddress · 19/07/2017 10:51

Definitely suspicious, and although I doubt he is having an affair, I reckon he would be up for it. Messaging a woman on FB telling her she is gorgeous, arranging to meet her without mentioning it, and then when cornered, saying someone else is coming too. No I would NOT say 'can I come too?' as he will cancel and re-arrange it another time. This man wants to see this other woman alone. So if the OP tries to get in on the meeting, he will cancel it, you mark my words.

OP has every right to be concerned, but FFS don't give him a heads up, he will cover his tracks! I would try and turn up, or get someone else to go and see what happens.

Not a nice way to behave, but if my DH was cheating (or thinking of it!) I would want to know.

Can't believe the people on here saying they don't see why they should tell their wife or husband if they are meeting someone of the opposite sex. Very suspicious, underhand behaviour to meet someone behind your partner's back and not tell them. Makes me seriously question their intentions - AND their relationship. Secrets are lies, and they will destroy a marriage.

Winterc00kie · 19/07/2017 10:53

If he hasnt mentioned it to you he is either;

-not telling you because of how you may react even though its innocent)
-he has other intentions (he did call her gorgeous, totally disrespectful to you)
-he generally doesnt give a sh*t

Iamthinking · 19/07/2017 10:54

You know your husband and how he normally is with people. A gorgeous from him may not be such a big deal as a gorgeous from someone else.

I don't think it seems potentially harmless, but now you have opened the pandora's box, you need to get your head straight somehow. I think the arrangement with Lisa could easily have been made via text/phone/face to face no?

After you have put this to bed, you need to learn a lesson and never go into his private messages again as it is very iffy behaviour. But I think you know that.

Iamthinking · 19/07/2017 10:54

Sorry I DO think it seems potentially harmless

Roomster101 · 19/07/2017 10:55

OP will look nuts if she turns up! No way should she do that. I would just ask to come and see what the reaction is. If he cancels it's suspicious. If Lisa is not there it is suspicious but he will hopefully agree, Lisa will be there and once you have met the women you may feel absolutely fine about it. Why make a drama out of something unnecessarily?

user1483617032 · 19/07/2017 10:55

From personal experience, when my bf at the time inboxed a woman saying she was beautiful and they met up behind my back, he cheated on me with her. His friend told me after my ex was being a bit distant from me and i checked his messages when he forgot to log out once, i don't regret looking at his messages otherwise i wouldn't have questioned his behaviour to his best friend.

user1497444078 · 19/07/2017 10:58

FFS the number of insecure ppl on here who justify snooping and controlling behaviour is astounding. Irony it's them that don't deserve to be with the DH they're desperate to 'catch out'.

Why not just LTB and allow him the chance to find someone trusting who understands you're allowed a life that extends past your relationship.

Notknownatthisaddress · 19/07/2017 10:58

Yeah like the majority of posters, I really don't think his intentions are honourable or innocent, and I think people are very naive if they think they are.

WonderLime · 19/07/2017 10:59

Can't believe the people on here saying they don't see why they should tell their wife or husband if they are meeting someone of the opposite sex. Very suspicious, underhand behaviour to meet someone behind your partner's back and not tell them.

A) He HAS told her who he is meeting. He's not lied, he's been upfront (the OP didn't mention 'Sarah' - the DH did when asked if he was free). Nor has he given the OP any reason to suspect that something's up (she uses his iPad, he knows that. He doesn't hide his phone, etc)

B) All you are doing is projecting your own insecurities onto other relationships without having a clue how other relationships work. I have been with my DP 10 years. If he asked what I had been doing, I would tell him. If he didn't ask, I wouldn't necessarily mention it because it's not a big deal.

I have had zero affairs or flings (emotional or physical) and have no interest in anyone else. Some of the people I might meet for coffee will be men (sometimes colleagues, sometimes old friends). Not mentioning meeting people has NOT destroyed our relationship. Lying probably would - but in this scenario no lying is actually occurring.

Notknownatthisaddress · 19/07/2017 10:59

PMSL at @user1497444078 's post ^

Gemini69 · 19/07/2017 11:00

user1497444078 .... well that just screams bitter doesn't it....

Notknownatthisaddress · 19/07/2017 11:00

@WonderLime you are deluded.

Gemini69 · 19/07/2017 11:02

Notknownatthisaddress agreed lol

WonderLime · 19/07/2017 11:04

Notknownatthisaddress How so exactly? Because I think it's reasonable to trust a partner when they are honest with you?

Sallystyle · 19/07/2017 11:10

Fishy as hell. He is adding another woman's name to the list to make it look like it's ok. Why didn't he invite you along? He was not upfront with the OP. He covered his arse.

He messaged her to tell her she is looking beautiful. That would piss me off enough.

You need to tell him you saw the message. At this point id ask if I could come along just to see how he reacts.

BluePancakes · 19/07/2017 11:13

I agree with the PP who said that 'gorgeous' from one person may be different from another, and without knowing her OH, it's hard for us to know what's going on.

For me, this situation wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I'd assume, rather than an affair, that Sarah was a childhood friend and perhaps had lost a lot of weight, or had undergone some kind of [medical as opposed to cosmetic] surgery, and so she was being complimented on how good she looks now.

Obviously, if the OP is insecure or has past experience of being cheated on then I can understand her concern.

Serialweightwatcher · 19/07/2017 11:15

I repeat ... how was he honest when OP had to ask him if he was free today? He hadn't mentioned message - he hadn't mentioned coffee - he's put 'Lisa' in the mix after being asked if OP could see him today .. read the flipping post! Just because he doesn't hide his messages doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want a fling - it means he's probably been a bit slack

Redtartanshoes · 19/07/2017 11:15

This is mumsnet mass hysteria at its best.

If a woman was meeting an old friend/colleague for a coffee and her husband either turned up unannounced, sent a friend to spy on them or invited himself along there would be cries of "leave the controlling abusive bastard" all over the place.

I honestly think some people crave the drama and excitement and forget this is actually someone's life.

Buck3t · 19/07/2017 11:17

@Wonderlime probably the only sane person on the thread. The sense you speak is too common for the likes of these. Leave whilst you still have the sense to get away😀

BlahBlahBlahEtc · 19/07/2017 11:19

I'd let them meet up and then see if there's any more messages between like "I had so much fun xxx" etc etc.

Turning up would make you look unstable...

TiredBefuddledRose · 19/07/2017 11:20

It could all be innocent.

Have you reacted jealously to stuff in the past?
He might be hiding it to avoid the drama.

Or he could just be a sleezeball.

Invite yourself along today.

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