AIBU - DH making plans with a random woman

[Worried567]

Hello, I am a regular long term poster and have NC for this. I'm worried about a situation with my DH and I'm hoping IABU and over reacting, and that you will all tell me to get a grip...

I've been with my DH for 3 years, married for 18 months. He is lovely and I have never had grounds to suspect him of anything before. 2 days ago however I was using his Ipad (I often do this as mine is knackered and runs slowly) and a message on FB flashed up from a name I didn't recognise, but only for a few seconds. I couldn't help myself and went into his messages - I know this is terrible, please go easy on me as I wish I hadn't.

Basically he had messaged one of his "friends" on FB out of the blue telling her she looked gorgeous in a recent profile pic change, which started a conversation between them, with him initiating them meeting up for coffee, which is due to happen this afternoon. The thing is, he has over 800 FB friends, and I've never heard him mention her before. It looks like they used to live in the same town, but there were no previous messages between them other than a happy Birthday about 6 months ago.

Should I be worried? I always thought he wasn't the type, but why contact someone from the past to compliment their looks? Our marriage is good, we haven't been intimate for a while, mainly due to our work patterns and tiredness on both our parts. Please can anyone help

I'm with @kittybiscuits

If there's anything going on talking now won't get you anywhere.
It would be too easy to deny, minimise and would also give him enough of a heads up to be more careful/secretive for future encounters - please note I'm saying IF there's anything going on.

I have also just checked with my DP (out of curiosity and to get a male perspective) about messaging someone to tell them they're "gorgeous" and asking them out for a coffee and if it seems platonic or not, he feels not. I do too.

But don't get yourself worked up over this op, at the end of the day you know your DH better than any of the posters on this thread, I think based on the next few weeks you will probably be able to make your own decision.

I agree with snoopy . Please keep us posted over the next couple of weeks . I hope to god it's just been a huge misinterpretation by us all and he is not starting an affair . Keep your guard up and watch his phone like a hawk . I truly believe he knows your onto him so any messages now he is gunna delete straight away whether text Facebook or what's app . If he is having an affair one day he will trip himself up though . Good luck op xx

What kitty biscuits said.

I'm always suprised by all the posters who say

" If you think you DH is cheating / planning to cheat, just TALK to him about it and that will fix it. Because he's bound to tell you the truth and not minimise , deny, deflect or blame you. And although you have caught him out in lies before, suddenly he will become a truthful and honest person " .

When I've never actually read a thread on MN where the wife did talk to him and he immediately confessed that he was cheating or intended to.

Or said " gee I'm so sorry, I didn't realise that arranging one to one secret meetings with gorgeous newly single women could be interpreted an anything other that reaching out to a causal acquaintance in need. And it's just chance that I don't offer such support to any male friends or older women. I'm so sorry, I will invite you along to all our future coffee dates and stop PMing women to tell them how gorgeous they are " .

All it seem to do is put them on notice that they have to be more careful. As well as inviting a lot of name calling about how jealous / paranoid /unstable the wife is and having to listen to completely unbelievable " rational explanations " for what happened.

Then a year later , the wife is back on here with more suspicions and then with proof. But of course by then it's harder to leave because she has no job, no money and two small kids or she's more invested in saving her 5 year marriage. And she doesn't want to " throw it all away " because of " one silly mistake " .

So I hope for the OPs sake that her husband is one of these men who will see the light if he's talked to .

Thanks again everyone for all your lovely messages, it has been comforting to get support on here, which is what I love about mumsnet. I'll certainly post if there are any more developments, although I'm hoping this'll be the last of it.