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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DH making plans with a random woman

404 replies

Worried567 · 19/07/2017 08:05

Hello, I am a regular long term poster and have NC for this. I'm worried about a situation with my DH and I'm hoping IABU and over reacting, and that you will all tell me to get a grip...

I've been with my DH for 3 years, married for 18 months. He is lovely and I have never had grounds to suspect him of anything before. 2 days ago however I was using his Ipad (I often do this as mine is knackered and runs slowly) and a message on FB flashed up from a name I didn't recognise, but only for a few seconds. I couldn't help myself and went into his messages - I know this is terrible, please go easy on me as I wish I hadn't.

Basically he had messaged one of his "friends" on FB out of the blue telling her she looked gorgeous in a recent profile pic change, which started a conversation between them, with him initiating them meeting up for coffee, which is due to happen this afternoon. The thing is, he has over 800 FB friends, and I've never heard him mention her before. It looks like they used to live in the same town, but there were no previous messages between them other than a happy Birthday about 6 months ago.

Should I be worried? I always thought he wasn't the type, but why contact someone from the past to compliment their looks? Our marriage is good, we haven't been intimate for a while, mainly due to our work patterns and tiredness on both our parts. Please can anyone help

OP posts:
WonderLime · 19/07/2017 08:19

Don't turn up. If it's completely innocent you'll just end up looking like a fool.

But do ask him if anything interesting happened today after work. Keep conversation light and casual. If he mentions the coffee it probably is innocent. If he doesn't, then you may have something to worry about.

Original poster
Worried567 · 19/07/2017 08:20

If he had told me I don't think I'd feel as suspicious about it. He hasn't been guarding his phone, he leaves it downstairs at night and knows I'm up long before him in the morning. I don't want him to know I looked at his messages I suppose, which is why I haven't brought it up. It's not completely out of character for him to go for coffee with friends and he does have a lot of female friends who I've met, but it's just that he's never mentioned this woman before

OP posts:
luckylucky24 · 19/07/2017 08:21

I would ask what he was doing today and see if he mentions it. If he does, no problem. If he doesn't he is hiding something, probably an affair.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 19/07/2017 08:22

I'd have to ask him right now what on earth was going on and how inappropriate his message to her was and that it looks very suspicious.
If he's got nothing to hide he wont get angry, and will calmly explain who she is, apologise for the inappropriate message he sent her, and offer to not go if it makes you feel more secure.
If he kicks off, gets defensive or looks like hes been caught out scared, you'll know something more is going on.

Kr1stina · 19/07/2017 08:22

I don't understand what you don't just arrange to meet a friend at the same place 30 mins before. What's the problem if it's totally innocent?

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 19/07/2017 08:23

Surely if this is a good friend of his she was your wedding?
I second the posts which suggest asking him tonight what he was upcto etc.

ConstanceCraving · 19/07/2017 08:23

You weren't looking at his messages though when you used his iPad, the message from the woman popped up. Just tell him you saw it.

mummmy2017 · 19/07/2017 08:24

If he hasn't left for work yet, go and ask him, say it came up on the screen you saw it flash so looked.

A he tells you about the meeting.
B he looks shift explains and it STOPS anything happening.
C he lies and still goes, but knows you know.
D he decides it's a bad idea and doesn't go.

All are better than wondering and saying nothing

MumIsRunningAMarathon · 19/07/2017 08:27

What time are they meeting?

Can he just l ave work to go? Or will he need to lie

howthelightgetsin · 19/07/2017 08:27

I think it's horribly sleazy when men tell women out of the blue how beautiful they look in Facebook photos. It's really inappropriate that he did this.

Can you screenshot the photo and email it to yourself and then delete the screenshot and the email from the sent folder?

ButtMuncher · 19/07/2017 08:29

I'd just ask casually what his plans are for the day. If he mentions the meet up, then I wouldn't be overly suspicious. If he doesn't and tries to minimise by saying 'meeting Jeff for a beer' then you've got problems as he's deceiving you. Unless you're got form for making him feel he can't go out with female friends (which I doubt judging by your OP) then there would be no reason for him to lie.

The commenting on her looks thing would be a red flag for me. Saying someone looks 'gorgeous' and then randomly meeting up after little contact is really rather suspect.

MiddleClassProblem · 19/07/2017 08:30

It could be nothing, it could be something. As pp said, just ask him tonight about his day or be very apologetic (so you don't look like you're checking up on him) and say you accidentally opened the message.

Original poster
Worried567 · 19/07/2017 08:32

Howthelightgetsin it wasn't a comment under the photo, it was a message saying along the lines of wow, I've just seen your photo and you are looking gorgeous.

It doesn't help that she is gorgeous though Sad

I was going to take a pic of the messages but I think I'd end up torturing myself reading them all day!

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 19/07/2017 08:32

I'd go with casually asking him about his plans for the day, too. Anything exciting going on at work? Is he super busy at work? Or is it pretty mellow in the summer... etc See what he says.

Roomster101 · 19/07/2017 08:34

I would ask him what his plans are for today. If he doesn't tell you, I would be very suspicious. I wouldn't turn up at the cafe as that could be embarrassing but I perhaps would drive by to see if his car is there (just in case the meeting has been cancelled).

ADishBestEatenCold · 19/07/2017 08:34

"See if it were me I'd have piped up when using the ipad "ooh message from Mary, coffee at 3" which opens the whole conversation about Mary and their shared background."

^ this

Also, people constantly (and often quite insincerely) tell each other they are "gorgeous" on facebook. It is (IMO) one of the (many) less endearing things about facebook and if it wasn't done so often then we'd probably be bombarded with far fewer trouty pouty selfies.

sharklovers · 19/07/2017 08:35

Does sound suspicious although I would happily complement a close female friend in complete innocence. It's strange to do so out of the blue though!

ConstanceCraving · 19/07/2017 08:35

OP he's messaged her to tell her she looked gorgeous then initiated meeting up with her all the while without telling you.

There's some deception going on here. I'm confused to why you won't talk to him before he goes to meet her.

ijustwannadance · 19/07/2017 08:36

Telling another woman she looks gorgeous and purposely initiating a meeting is just the start.
He will see how it goes then the messages will ramp up.
Just bloody tell him you know.

Serialweightwatcher · 19/07/2017 08:37

I think I'd have to bring it up before the event and just say the message flashed up and you saw it ... at the moment you trust him to an extent, but if he goes without you saying anything it will eat you up and it could start something possibly that could have been stopped in its tracks. It may be all completely innocent but why not tell you in that case that this has been arranged? Whatever the outcome, I would be so cross if my partner messaged someone to say how gorgeous they look Hmm

malificent7 · 19/07/2017 08:43

He clearly isnt lovely. He has overstepped the mark. Talk to him pronto.

GlitterSparkles17 · 19/07/2017 08:44

First red flag...he goes out of his way to purposely message another woman to tell her she's looking gorgeous, that would be enough for me to leave if im honest as its only the beginning. Its clear what his intentions are.
Second red flag...he's then arranged to meet up with her and not said a word about it.

This is what id do in your situation. Firstly ring him while he's on this coffee date, ask how his days going etc. just normal chit chat, see if he mentions where he is and who he's with. If he doesn't answer your call then when he gets home ask how his day was and see if he mentions it. If he doesn't then its clear he wants to hide this from you and he knows he's done something wrong. Keep checking the messages between them both to see how it progresses, you will have all the proof you need.

KeiraH · 19/07/2017 08:47

I am with Glitter. Telling another woman that he thinks she is gorgeous is enough of a disrespect towards me for me to reevaluate our marriage, never mind arranging to meet said woman behind my back. Just wouldn't happen

user1493630944 · 19/07/2017 08:48

Send her a message on FB to remind her he is married. If they do meet she will probably tell him so he will know you know. Sadly you have just discovered your husband is thinking about cheating. Probably time to LTB.

Notevilstepmother · 19/07/2017 08:49

If my DH posted under a picture of a friend that she looked gorgeous I wouldn't mind. It's the private message that makes it suspicious.

I think I would go with asking him about his day. If he tells the truth "I'm meeting an old friend for coffee" then no worries.

Anything else then I'd turn up. It's not crazy to turn up if he lies to you.

It may be possible to nip it in the bud if you act now, if that's what you want to do. Any later might be too late.

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