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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DH making plans with a random woman

404 replies

Worried567 · 19/07/2017 08:05

Hello, I am a regular long term poster and have NC for this. I'm worried about a situation with my DH and I'm hoping IABU and over reacting, and that you will all tell me to get a grip...

I've been with my DH for 3 years, married for 18 months. He is lovely and I have never had grounds to suspect him of anything before. 2 days ago however I was using his Ipad (I often do this as mine is knackered and runs slowly) and a message on FB flashed up from a name I didn't recognise, but only for a few seconds. I couldn't help myself and went into his messages - I know this is terrible, please go easy on me as I wish I hadn't.

Basically he had messaged one of his "friends" on FB out of the blue telling her she looked gorgeous in a recent profile pic change, which started a conversation between them, with him initiating them meeting up for coffee, which is due to happen this afternoon. The thing is, he has over 800 FB friends, and I've never heard him mention her before. It looks like they used to live in the same town, but there were no previous messages between them other than a happy Birthday about 6 months ago.

Should I be worried? I always thought he wasn't the type, but why contact someone from the past to compliment their looks? Our marriage is good, we haven't been intimate for a while, mainly due to our work patterns and tiredness on both our parts. Please can anyone help

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 20/07/2017 21:46

He hasn't deleted the messages then he either doesn't know you read it or genuinely has nothing to hide.

annielouise · 20/07/2017 21:53

MiddleClassProblem - or he knows she's read it and thinks he'd better leave it as to delete would look dodgy.

2rebecca · 20/07/2017 22:34

I think often in cases like this blokes convince themselves it's innocent and they're just being friendly when they really know that if the woman wasn't attractive they wouldn't be wanting to meet up for friendly cups of coffee.
I don't think it's an LTB issue but do think it's a let him know this sort of behaviour isn't on issue.

CoughLaughFart · 21/07/2017 08:54

People need to calm down a little bit here. Yes, there are some suspicious signs here - the 'gorgeous' comment, the fact that Lisa suddenly wasn't invited - but there are also things that some posters have blown completely out of proportion. 'He only told you when you asked what he was doing' - so what? Not everyone feels obliged to tell their partner their every move in advance (or ask permission like a child). 'Why didn't he invite you?' - because married people ARE allowed to leave the house separately.

OP, to play devil's advocate - let's say he had been considering straying and, as some posters have suggested, is now being 'honest' about meeting Sarah because he thinks you're on to him. If this brought him to his senses, could you forgive him? An awful lot of people are pushing you towards the divorce courts on rather flimsy evidence - would YOU feel this was something to end the marriage over?

Charley50 · 21/07/2017 09:03

I think the only reason people are mentioning divorce so soon is because actually the OP has children and assets independently of her new husband. If he does turn out to be a cheat, and remember they already currently not having sex (Op and DH), it might be more sensible to get out of the marriage sooner rather than later. That's why.
But maybe once they've had a good heart to heart they will be back on track. Who knows? Good luck OP

ConstanceCraving · 21/07/2017 09:07

He told the OP he was going for a coffee because he'd seen that the OP had already read the message! He would have hardly said that he was beavering away in the office because the OP could have said " oh so you're not meeting Sarah at the coffee shop then? " Hmm

goujonsfortea · 21/07/2017 09:13

When really pressed H may confess that it was wishful thinking, living out a fantasy and that he utterly regrets what he did, promising never to do it again.

IMO that promise would be a lie because a person who behaves like that doesn't have the kind of personal boundaries that will protect your relationship and keep it exclusive.

Roomster101 · 21/07/2017 09:51

I think that the DH will feel he is totally innocent. Probably nothing has happened and maybe he wouldn't even admit to himself that he wouldn't have done this if the other woman wasn't attractive and recently single. He still needs to know that it wasn't on though (and why) and agree not to do anything similar in the future. I very much doubt that he would be happy if OP did something similar (although he may argue that he would be okay).

catbasilio · 21/07/2017 11:54

In the past I would have said it's totally fishy.
Now that I have a boyfriend who likes saying compliments to women (including me), and doesn't see the difference between his male and female friends, a social and helpful person overall, I'd like to think this meetup for coffee was innocent (at this point).

It might be that he enjoys an odd light flirt but would never take it further - you know him better, I think that's might be the case with my bf.

You used his laptop and the messages pop out freely, and he does not hide his phone - that's a good sign. If your DH was gearing up towards affair he would be more cautious for sure.

Having said that, if the situation makes you feel insecure, you need to talk to him about it. Maybe not about the message but meeting a strange woman for coffee, that you are not comfortable with it. His reaction will be telling too.

I've done a bit worse things in my relationship without an intent of cheating. When I was angry with my bf, I went out for drinks with someone I knew from OLD and knew he still fancied me. I had a good time, and was open with my BF that I met this "mate" (not about the "fancied" part though). I had no intention of cheating or meeting up with him again any time soon. It was my ego boost, silly and a bit wrong in the hindsight. Does it make me a cheat? I don't think so. It actually helped me to grow stronger feelings for my bf. But it could have been seen fishy from my BF's side if he was less outgoing.

Good luck OP and do not keep it in yourself for too long.

smurfit · 21/07/2017 12:03

Based on this I don't think it's the major problem others do. My ex would turn his phone off and leave it in a drawer or something when he knew he had stuff to hide.

Only you know your DH though but in my experience, he would be asking suspicious or at least differently if he had something to hide.

I hope it works out for you Flowers

CoughLaughFart · 21/07/2017 12:22

He told the OP he was going for a coffee because he'd seen that the OP had already read the message!

You're assuming that. The OP stated that the message popped up whilst she was using the iPad. If it works in the same way as the iPhone (which would make sense), the message pops up when it first arrives if you're looking at something else - it wouldn't actually show as 'read' until you've been into Messenger.

Sallystyle · 21/07/2017 15:03

It says in the OP that she went into the messages and read the whole conversation between them.

ConstanceCraving · 21/07/2017 15:39

Cough the Op looked at his older messages between him and Sarah so the message would have shown as read.

MiddleClassProblem · 21/07/2017 15:52

But how would he know it was read unless he was Sarah? If he went to the messages they would go as read anyway iyswim

Sallystyle · 21/07/2017 16:00

Well he would have been expecting a pop up of her reply so he probably went into the messages and saw he had a new message but no notification popped up.

My friend always knows her toddler got her phone when she sees she had a message from me but didn't get the notification pop up.

Original poster
Worried567 · 21/07/2017 16:06

Hi Cough - if he met her again or makes further secretive contact, then I wouldn't forgive him. As things currently stand - the random contact he made just to compliment her looks then have coffee - I'm annoyed but wouldn't split over that.

The problem is though, I'd rather know he doesn't contact or meet her again because he doesn't want to, rather than because he knows I'm suspicious or because I have confronted him. Which makes me keep thinking I should wait it out and see if there are further messages. However this will make me feel anxious and on edge for the next few weeks, and I'm back at work doing my usual shifts next week - so I can't cope with that and worrying about him as well.

Someone asked on a previous page why were we all free on a Wednesday afternoon, which is a fair question! I usually work them but have been doing reduced hours due to school summer holidays where I live. DH works shifts, and I don't know what *Sarah's pattern is. I do know what she works as though and it usually involves shifts that vary week to week.

OP posts:
Cuckingfunt1981 · 21/07/2017 17:44

He may have gotten her phone number at the coffee so instead of messenger is now using texts ???

Cuckingfunt1981 · 21/07/2017 17:45

Will you be able to check his phone ? Maybe keep an eye how secretive he is with his phone xx

Original poster
Worried567 · 21/07/2017 19:13

He tends to leave it lying around, I can easily check it if I wanted to, I suppose he can delete messages though

OP posts:
ConstanceCraving · 21/07/2017 19:25

How are you feeling today OP? How's your H been, any different?

Cuckingfunt1981 · 21/07/2017 20:40

Yes he can delete the messages but just keep a close eye on how he behaves with his phone .

PrincessFiorimonde · 21/07/2017 22:55

OP, please step back from this thread for a little while. Have a good, long talk with your OH this weekend about all that is bothering you about this situation. Don't let it fester.

Please re-read the posts from posters such as Scoobydoo, Roomster, Derelict and Bluntness.

I really hope all will be well.

Wishing you all the best Flowers

Original poster
Worried567 · 21/07/2017 22:58

I don't know if it's my imagination but he seems to be acting slightly guiltily and has been very attentive. He has suggested taking us out for a family dinner tomorrow as well. I hope that's a good sign and not a cliche

OP posts:
gingergenius · 21/07/2017 23:00

What Princess said. It's easy to get sucked into a narrative. Talk, laugh, connect in RL and see how you feel x

kittybiscuits · 21/07/2017 23:27

Worried it's good that you have decided what your boundary is. I wouldn't throw myself into loving communication in response to his guilty/dishonest behaviour. I would just keep an eye on him and observe. You think you will be on edge but in a few days you will probably calm down a bit. Keep in mind your own value and how you deserve to be treated.