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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DH making plans with a random woman

404 replies

Worried567 · 19/07/2017 08:05

Hello, I am a regular long term poster and have NC for this. I'm worried about a situation with my DH and I'm hoping IABU and over reacting, and that you will all tell me to get a grip...

I've been with my DH for 3 years, married for 18 months. He is lovely and I have never had grounds to suspect him of anything before. 2 days ago however I was using his Ipad (I often do this as mine is knackered and runs slowly) and a message on FB flashed up from a name I didn't recognise, but only for a few seconds. I couldn't help myself and went into his messages - I know this is terrible, please go easy on me as I wish I hadn't.

Basically he had messaged one of his "friends" on FB out of the blue telling her she looked gorgeous in a recent profile pic change, which started a conversation between them, with him initiating them meeting up for coffee, which is due to happen this afternoon. The thing is, he has over 800 FB friends, and I've never heard him mention her before. It looks like they used to live in the same town, but there were no previous messages between them other than a happy Birthday about 6 months ago.

Should I be worried? I always thought he wasn't the type, but why contact someone from the past to compliment their looks? Our marriage is good, we haven't been intimate for a while, mainly due to our work patterns and tiredness on both our parts. Please can anyone help

OP posts:
Roomster101 · 19/07/2017 09:35

I agree that you should just ask if you can come too. Personally, while I don't mind DH meeting up with female friends, I would expect to be invited if I was available, particularly if I have never actually met them.

Hapaxlegomenon · 19/07/2017 09:35

I'd go mad if my husband was messaging women saying they were gorgeous. That in itself isn't on.

Fertleby · 19/07/2017 09:35

So actually he's hidden nothing from you? And is calm about talking about it, apart from the gorgeous comment what else is getting you upset? If this had been an old male friend you'd have forgotten about it by now, yeah she may be a looker, and of the opposite sex but hey, a good marriage is based on a truck load more than that.
Be wary of us bored mumsnetters with our emotional scars frightening you into seeing things that aren't there. For all we know he may have heard she had had a rough time etc (if they have mutual friend) and thought the gorgeous comment would cheer her up. My DH has bought cards etc for female (and male) friends when they've been low. You know this is an old friend recently reacquainted and it seems they have mutuals so you don't know much about the background so I'd just ask how his coffee went and then pour myself a glass of wine and promptly forget about it.

CoughLaughFart · 19/07/2017 09:36

I can't understand the people saying 'turn up at the cafe'. Apart from making you look a bit mad, it would prove nothing - you already know he's meeting her there. Unless people are expecting you to lurk in a corner in a wig and dark glasses Hmm

Henrysmycat · 19/07/2017 09:38

I agree with Serialweightwatcher. He would be "Oh! Lisa wouldn't make it in the end"
It all sounds fishy to me and he's up for an affair. I lived through this kind of behavior.
In the end, It depends what you want to hear. Because it seems, you posted so people would tell you to not be silly. I wouldn't have any qualms of going there to see with my own eyes.

WonderLime · 19/07/2017 09:39

I don't think there is anything to really worry about as he's been upfront and honest. He doesn't hide he phone (so you could have come across the message anyway) and he isn't lying about it.

If you need to know more, just simply ask who Sarah is (casually, not accusatory).

ConstanceCraving · 19/07/2017 09:41

The fact that he hasn't told the OP that he's going for coffee with Sarah is telling. To me anyway. Maybe he's on to the OP reading his message on the IPad and put Lisa in the equation so as not to look suspicious.

Alittlepotofrosie · 19/07/2017 09:41

Don't let the people on here convince you he's up to no good. He's been honest about what he's doing this afternoon. Would he have told you what he was doing if he was trying to cheat on you with her? Unlikely. If your marriage is a good strong and happy one i dont think you need to worry.

howdoyouworkthisthing · 19/07/2017 09:42

Can you ask a friend to go to the cafe and then it will look like more of a coincidence? If it is worse case scenario and something dodgy is going on he may deny it and you might not get another chance to prove something is going on as he'll be more careful? My ex cheated and I was never able to prove it, he deleted the text messages after they popped up. I would have jumped at chance to have concrete evidence, just to prove I wasn't going mad. Or explain situation to someone who works in cafe, maybe they will be sympathetic and help you out by giving you information. I'd also casually ask what he's doing at lunch, if he doesn't say he's meeting this woman then he's a lying bastard who deserves to be found out.

howdoyouworkthisthing · 19/07/2017 09:43

Sorry, just read that he did tell you he was meeting her. I think that's totally different!

LightDrizzle · 19/07/2017 09:45

It still sounds dodgy to me. I've met blokes for coffee/lunch, although to be fair almost always in a professional context, but that's not the way it would happen. It would be someone I had a history of socialising with and it would be kicked off with a text or message saying "It's been ages! How's you? Do you fancy a catch up. I can do any day but....". It wouldn't start with a comment about them looking gorgeous!

Is she a friend he has socialised with before?

At the very least I'd reply "Cool! I can join you. When and where?"

It's difficult to judge without knowing the norms of your relationship. I have no problem with my husband having lunch/coffee with women he knows, I'd have a problem with this though, and I'd tell him to knock off the "gorgeous" comments in private messages and ask if he was making a move on her.

Serialweightwatcher · 19/07/2017 09:49

A couple of people have said he's not hiding anything and he's being honest ....... he hadn't said anything until asked if OP could meet him. He's covering his back. If I made a sneaky arrangement (not that I would) and partner asked if I could see him that day, I'd tell a half truth too which is what OP's husband is doing so as not to get caught

XiCi · 19/07/2017 09:53

Telling someone they look gorgeous then arranging to meet for coffee is a come on imo. Unless they are long established friends, which as you have never heard him mention her before they don't appear to be.

I doubt very much that 'Lisa' will be joining them

NamedyChangedy · 19/07/2017 09:54

If it helps, it wouldn't occur to me to tell my DP if I was meeting say an old (male) uni friend for coffee, especially if they don't know each other. I would only mention it if something noteworthy was said.

I have lots of friends who are boys, and he has friends who are girls who I'm very happy for him to socialise with, but I wouldn't think it needs any special explanation / arrangements...

AmandaP86x · 19/07/2017 09:55

I would just ask him x

XiCi · 19/07/2017 09:56

If you're free and you already know Lisa why not suggest joining them for lunch?

Fertleby · 19/07/2017 09:56

He isn't hiding it, he just didn't mention it. Obviously every relationship is different, in mine, that would not be sneaky. We regularly fail to tell the other about stuff like meeting a friend for a coffee. I appreciate other relationships are different, only OP can know how she truely feels.
If she wrote about mentionitis and phone guarding or denial then I'd say differently.

XiCi · 19/07/2017 09:58

Do you message your male friends to tell them how gorgeous they look namedy?

It's the context of the meeting that doesn't seem right, not that he has a female friend

Kr1stina · 19/07/2017 10:00

I'd just text him later to say that I've finished my plans for the day early so I will be free to join him and the girls for coffee after all. Just act as if he invited you along.

If he says " great " then that's fine. You go along and have a lovely cofffee with the three of them and your fears are allayed.

If he then says they have had to cancel, you know it's dodgy.

I agree wth everyone who says that a PM saying " you look gorgeous, when can we meet up " is very different from saying " you look lovely / great outfit " to a mutual friend at a wedding or on FB public comments.

Context is everything.

PrettyGreyEyes · 19/07/2017 10:02

The comment is disrespectful and it looks like he's fishing for opportunities. How does he know her? Do they have friends in common. sorry OP but it doesn't look good.

Oldraver · 19/07/2017 10:03

SnowFairy...I use a laptop and messages from Facebook pop up in the bottom right hand corner all the time (I suppose they could be turned off)..

BourbonMick · 19/07/2017 10:04

Could you get a friend to go and sleuth on your behalf?

loobyloo1234 · 19/07/2017 10:04

He's told you he's meeting her which is a good sign at least. I'm not sure about the comment to her on FB, slightly strange.

I don't think MN is probably the best place to take a rational approach sometimes. It may well be innocent enough.

Have you asked him who *Sarah is?

howdoyouworkthisthing · 19/07/2017 10:06

@Serialweightwatcher I agree, seems like he's making half truths, means it will be more difficult to prove anything if it is going on. OP, I'm sorry about your predicament, could you get someone to go to cafe to clarify his version of events that he tells you after the meeting as bourbonmick says? I know some people say that's crazy behaviour, but would personally rather look like a crazy stalker lady, than bury head in sand and tell myself everything is fine when my gut is telling me it's not.

BadTasteFlump · 19/07/2017 10:06

I don't see the point in all the game playing. He presumably knows you use his Ipad. It's not snooping for you to see a message that pops up as you're using it. Tell him you saw the message and it's upset you. And tell him that it's absolutely not on for him to be telling other women they 'are looking gorgeous. You can decide what to do then by his response.