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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DH making plans with a random woman

404 replies

Worried567 · 19/07/2017 08:05

Hello, I am a regular long term poster and have NC for this. I'm worried about a situation with my DH and I'm hoping IABU and over reacting, and that you will all tell me to get a grip...

I've been with my DH for 3 years, married for 18 months. He is lovely and I have never had grounds to suspect him of anything before. 2 days ago however I was using his Ipad (I often do this as mine is knackered and runs slowly) and a message on FB flashed up from a name I didn't recognise, but only for a few seconds. I couldn't help myself and went into his messages - I know this is terrible, please go easy on me as I wish I hadn't.

Basically he had messaged one of his "friends" on FB out of the blue telling her she looked gorgeous in a recent profile pic change, which started a conversation between them, with him initiating them meeting up for coffee, which is due to happen this afternoon. The thing is, he has over 800 FB friends, and I've never heard him mention her before. It looks like they used to live in the same town, but there were no previous messages between them other than a happy Birthday about 6 months ago.

Should I be worried? I always thought he wasn't the type, but why contact someone from the past to compliment their looks? Our marriage is good, we haven't been intimate for a while, mainly due to our work patterns and tiredness on both our parts. Please can anyone help

OP posts:
Scoobydoobydont · 19/07/2017 08:56

People talking about leaving him? WTF!!!

Sometimes a picture or something pops up on my newsfeed that prompts me to message someone I used to know but haven't been in touch with for a while. Sometimes that results in a physical meeting for a chat an catch up.

Why would I tell my wife every time I see a friend? I know for certain she doesn't tell me about everyone she has been for a coffee with male or female, and why should she? Why would I care?

There may be more to it or there may not. Only the person in the relationship can see all the in and outs and make a judgement on that. Random people on the internet saying they would end a relationship based on the facts available is insane, please ignore them.

Fertleby · 19/07/2017 08:58

Seriously do not see the other woman a message or stake out the cafe, that's just crazy mad lady stuff only do that if you are sure the relationship is over! I also see husbands messages on our joint iPad and would have also said Oh message popped up, blah blah. It's the truth after all.
Yeah private pm'ing someone to say they are gorgeous is a bit iffy, but I would mention the coffee date, look at him, you will know if anything is off and then you may consider crazy lady stuff but not first off! It may just be a girl he crushed on years ago and he's a little excited to be back in touch, doesn't mean it's the start of an affair.

MiddleClassProblem · 19/07/2017 09:01

For all we know she's a lesbian...

happypoobum · 19/07/2017 09:04

I would not like this at all.

I agree with PP that the way forwards is to ask DH what he is up to today. If he lies then you have a problem...................

Nowwhatsthis · 19/07/2017 09:04

Sometimes a picture or something pops up on my newsfeed that prompts me to message someone I used to know but haven't been in touch with for a while. Sometimes that results in a physical meeting for a chat an catch up.

All relationships are different though. My DP would be out the door if he sent a woman a messages saying she's gorgeous. It goes both ways though, I know my DP wouldn't appreciate if I sent messages to men from my past telling them how attractive I think they look. And it would never cross my mind to do it, out of respect for my DP.

ConstanceCraving · 19/07/2017 09:06

There's telling someone they look gorgeous publicly and there's telling someone they look gorgeous by PM and then asking to meet up. Very different things.

XJerseyGirlX · 19/07/2017 09:07

I also agree with PP that the way forwards is to ask DH what he is up to today. If he lies then theres a problem.

squirtymcsquirterson · 19/07/2017 09:13

I would be suspicious if it were me, but I would ask about it after it was supposed to have happened to see if he would be honest with me about it. There's meeting someone and there's meeting someone and hiding it - whether he will be honest about it is the key thing imo

Original poster
Worried567 · 19/07/2017 09:13

I've texted him and asked if he wants to meet up for coffee as DC in summer scheme until 5pm, he replied that he's meeting Lisa and Sarah for coffee. *Not real names but Sarah is the one he is meeting, there was no mention of Lisa in the messages. I have met Lisa once or twice, I suppose they may be mutual friends. I'll see what he says later

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 19/07/2017 09:18

Just texted him. saw your having coffee with an old friend from school hope it's a good catch up and do you fancy fish and chips if so can you buy on the way home.

Tells him you know your not worried and reminds him of home.

PopcornBits · 19/07/2017 09:18

Ask if you can join Lisa and Sarah. I can't see why he wouldn't invite you along.

Roomster101 · 19/07/2017 09:19

I think if he has female friends and he has said what he is doing then it's not suspicious. Telling someone they look gorgeous is not necessarily suspicious either -it depends on how he normally interacts with people.

mummmy2017 · 19/07/2017 09:19

So he is open about it, you may just be overthinking things and MN is helping you worry.

MiddleClassProblem · 19/07/2017 09:19

Well he's told you. And yes maybe they are meeting Lisa too. You can always message back saying "sounds nice, who's Sarah? Is she from place you know Lisa? Have fun" or whatever but he's told you anyway so I would just wait and see.

joannegrady90 · 19/07/2017 09:20

I think he's trying to cheat or at least thinking about it. I'd turn up where they're meeting, look fabulous and ignore him, order a big fat latte and relax.

Do you have any male friends? See how the cunt likes it.

Ktown · 19/07/2017 09:22

No one over 16 tells people over 15 they look gorgeous on facebook.
Tell him to grow up and stop meeting gorgeous women for coffee.

Scoobydoobydont · 19/07/2017 09:22

*I think he's trying to cheat or at least thinking about it. I'd turn up where they're meeting, look fabulous and ignore him, order a big fat latte and relax.

Do you have any male friends? See how the cunt likes it.*

Are you ok?

Therealslimshady1 · 19/07/2017 09:24

He may have added the other woman to the story, to make it seem innocent.

Maybe he is a minimiser/half liar

MissBax · 19/07/2017 09:26

Hmmm I wouldn't be happy about it myself OP

redjoker · 19/07/2017 09:28

I think he's trying to cheat or at least thinking about it. I'd turn up where they're meeting, look fabulous and ignore him, order a big fat latte and relax.

Do you have any male friends? See how the cunt likes it.

Really?!

IfNot · 19/07/2017 09:31

Its the word "gorgeous" that would bother me. If I changed my profile pic, I might get a comment from a married male friend saying "looking good!" or "like the new haircut" or something. An ex boyfriend/fwb would say "gorgeous" and then PM.
And if DP arranged to meet a woman I didn't know he would tell me beforehand. And if he didn't, I would know something was up.
Sorry OP, I don't think his intentions are innocent.

JustMumNowNotMe · 19/07/2017 09:31

Well he hasn't lied, but if he messages made no mention of Lisa joining them I'd probably be a bit suspicious still.

Serialweightwatcher · 19/07/2017 09:31

You need to say "can't I come too?" ... sounds very fishy to me - I would think that later if caught out he'd say "oh lisa couldn't make it".

In the usual way of things for you both, wouldn't he have mentioned having coffee planned with whoever prior to actually meeting up? Seems very odd that you had to ask what he was doing first - I really wouldn't be happy at all about this.

amusedbush · 19/07/2017 09:33

I also think his intentions are a bit suspect. If I upload a new photo on facebook, there are male friends who will "like" it (and I theirs) but none of them would even comment publicly, let alone send me a private message.

That's the behaviour of someone who wants something.

ConstanceCraving · 19/07/2017 09:33

I doubt Lisa is going tbh.

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