AIBU to say that DC should not go to their grandparents abroad for 2 weeks?

[LookingforRainbows]

Hi all,

DD is 4, due to start school in September, and DS is 2. DH and I both work full time, and both dc go to day nursery.

We both have time off work the last week and a half of August, to take a family holiday together. I then have the first week of September off, and DH has a few days in the week of September off (to settle DD into school before she starts breakfast club/after-school club).

DH does however have a lot more flexibility with his work - he often holds meetings via skype and teleconference, and if planned and organised in advanced, he can spend periods working from home, not needing to go into the office for a couple of weeks, whereas I work public sector, and certainly don't have that degree of flexibility.

Anyway, last week DH was talking with his family (who live abroad in Europe) in his native language. I admit I certainly am not fluent in his language, although I do know a bit, and when they were talking, I gathered that they were talking about the children, but I wasn't able to understand much as they were talking very fast. Not that it mattered I thought, as I don't need to understand, it's their conversation and doesn't concern me.
Anyway, later that eve, DH told me that he was thinking about taking 2 weeks in August to work from home, and he could go to his home country, with DD and DS, and his parents could look after them while he worked, as this would be good for their learning of his native language which is coming on slow at the moment, which I agree with, (although this is because DH is always talking to them in English and 'forgets' to speak his native language, but that's a whole other issue for a whole other thread) also that it would be good for them to bond with his parents, who they do know, as his parents come over every year, and we also visited earlier this year, and we do Skype etc.

Anyway, I wasn't keen on this idea, as I don't want to be away from DC for 2 weeks, and even though DH will be with them, he will be working, so they will be full time with their grandparents who they don't know very well, (although I do accept they are not strangers). Aside from taking them to the park when they came to visit this year, my inlaws have never looked after DC alone before, and DS in particular can be quite clingy and unsettled, especially in unfamiliar places. Also, DD can get anxious and gets upset when she doesn't understand (but she internalises it rather than letting it out) and I worry that she might be some upset if she doesn't understand the language or feels that her grandparents don't understand her.

So I told DH that I didn't think it would be a good idea, and that I wasn't comfortable with it.

Roll forward to this weekend, DH is again trying to convince me to change my mind. Again I say the same things. DH is adamant it will be fine, and tells me that his parents have already been getting ready to have the children and have been making plans for all the things they will do when they have the children, and how they are really looking forward to having them etc etc. I was a bit annoyed, because it seemed as bough he had gone and made the plans with his parents, knowing that I had already said I wasn't happy with it.
He then said to me that I was being selfish as I would have no problem with them being with my parents for two weeks (not really the same as my parents live not too far away and see DC quite often and have cared for DC on their own a few times before) and that I am being selfish because I am blocking what will be good for the children, all because I don't want to be alone and have an empty house after work, and that it would be better than the children being at nursery. He even had said I was being controlling! But I think that he is the controlling one, making plans with his parents, knowing I had already said no.

DH is frosty with me his morning, but I really don't want to back down on this. I worry that as DD is starting school soon, I don't want to add to her anxiety, and yes I guess I am being protective, I know they will be with their dad and grandparents, but I just have a bad gut feeling about this. It's not an option for me to join them I'm afraid as I wouldn't get the time off work. And it's not an option for my inlaws to fly over at the moment either.

AIBU?

You can't post for solid advice if you pretend you have toddlers when you don't. It distorts the developmental aspect too much. I understand altering info to protect privacy but when you are asking AIBU, then age is vital to the responses.

There is a gulf between 2 and 4, and 6 and 8. There's no way on earth that I would be willing to spend two weeks away from my two (one is 3, the other is disabled so age less relevant - but I did send him up to GM with Dad at 4, just for a couple of nights, anyway in fact, as a trial) but for a confident, NT child of 8, a trip with Dad and GP could be amazing.

So OP, you have a ds8, dd7, dd5 and baby pauline 1? And/or dd4, ds2? Hmmm

The title of this thread made me assume that the children were going to be going to the GPs "alone," i.e. without either parent. But your DH will be going with them. A better title might have been "...for my DH to take the kids off for two weeks without me."

I think you should give this your blessing.

I am the "foreign parent with the flexible work schedule" in my marriage, and I'd be devastated if my partner tried to put barriers in my way to stop me taking my child overseas.

Our overseas trips have ensured that our child is fully bilingual and cultural competent in both languages. This is not only great for her, but it means that I don't feel like an outsider in the marriage, and I can share my childhood books and films and songs with her. We can talk together in my own native languages. Being a foreign spouse/parent is hard work at times and I have no doubt that this involves hard work and sacrifices from your husband's perspective; it's reasonable to make some sacrifices of your own in return at times like this. International marriages have a higher-than-average failure rate, and I strongly suspect they are more likely to remain strong when the "host country parent" understands this, and remains flexible and accommodating, and shows understanding of the foreign spouse's needs to connect with their own home country at times.

I do understand your reluctance about letting your children go, and it's very natural of you to feel this way. But it's also part of the territory when you enter into an international partnership. Both partners must be flexible and help each other out to make it work. It will be great for your husband, your children and their GPs. And you can enjoy a couple of childfree weeks! Why not plan some fun childfree stuff for that time? Skype makes communication so easy these days--it will fly by.

And take this opportunity to sit down with your DH and talk properly about his disorganization when it comes to speaking his native language to his kids. If he wants them to acquire his language properly, he needs to be putting in the work himself as well, not just relying exclusively on short overseas visits. You both need to sit down and have a proper, serious talk about your "language plan" for the children. Get some books on bilingualism and follow some of the advice in there.

Confusion/obfuscation about ages aside...I feel some sympathy for the OP. It's not something I could have done when my own DC were young and my exH wouldn't have asked. He is from an different English speaking country however and post divorce his parents paid for him and DC to spend 2 weeks there in the summer. Although my DC were around 10-14 they missed me a lot and I missed them. I know my youngest cried every day. So even at that age it is hard. They have been pretty regularly since then and my youngest still misses me every day.

There are many many benefits to having a bilingual family and I have no argument with that whatsoever. But separating a parent from their children...I can't feel good about that.