AIBU to say that DC should not go to their grandparents abroad for 2 weeks?

[LookingforRainbows]

Hi all,

DD is 4, due to start school in September, and DS is 2. DH and I both work full time, and both dc go to day nursery.

We both have time off work the last week and a half of August, to take a family holiday together. I then have the first week of September off, and DH has a few days in the week of September off (to settle DD into school before she starts breakfast club/after-school club).

DH does however have a lot more flexibility with his work - he often holds meetings via skype and teleconference, and if planned and organised in advanced, he can spend periods working from home, not needing to go into the office for a couple of weeks, whereas I work public sector, and certainly don't have that degree of flexibility.

Anyway, last week DH was talking with his family (who live abroad in Europe) in his native language. I admit I certainly am not fluent in his language, although I do know a bit, and when they were talking, I gathered that they were talking about the children, but I wasn't able to understand much as they were talking very fast. Not that it mattered I thought, as I don't need to understand, it's their conversation and doesn't concern me.
Anyway, later that eve, DH told me that he was thinking about taking 2 weeks in August to work from home, and he could go to his home country, with DD and DS, and his parents could look after them while he worked, as this would be good for their learning of his native language which is coming on slow at the moment, which I agree with, (although this is because DH is always talking to them in English and 'forgets' to speak his native language, but that's a whole other issue for a whole other thread) also that it would be good for them to bond with his parents, who they do know, as his parents come over every year, and we also visited earlier this year, and we do Skype etc.

Anyway, I wasn't keen on this idea, as I don't want to be away from DC for 2 weeks, and even though DH will be with them, he will be working, so they will be full time with their grandparents who they don't know very well, (although I do accept they are not strangers). Aside from taking them to the park when they came to visit this year, my inlaws have never looked after DC alone before, and DS in particular can be quite clingy and unsettled, especially in unfamiliar places. Also, DD can get anxious and gets upset when she doesn't understand (but she internalises it rather than letting it out) and I worry that she might be some upset if she doesn't understand the language or feels that her grandparents don't understand her.

So I told DH that I didn't think it would be a good idea, and that I wasn't comfortable with it.

Roll forward to this weekend, DH is again trying to convince me to change my mind. Again I say the same things. DH is adamant it will be fine, and tells me that his parents have already been getting ready to have the children and have been making plans for all the things they will do when they have the children, and how they are really looking forward to having them etc etc. I was a bit annoyed, because it seemed as bough he had gone and made the plans with his parents, knowing that I had already said I wasn't happy with it.
He then said to me that I was being selfish as I would have no problem with them being with my parents for two weeks (not really the same as my parents live not too far away and see DC quite often and have cared for DC on their own a few times before) and that I am being selfish because I am blocking what will be good for the children, all because I don't want to be alone and have an empty house after work, and that it would be better than the children being at nursery. He even had said I was being controlling! But I think that he is the controlling one, making plans with his parents, knowing I had already said no.

DH is frosty with me his morning, but I really don't want to back down on this. I worry that as DD is starting school soon, I don't want to add to her anxiety, and yes I guess I am being protective, I know they will be with their dad and grandparents, but I just have a bad gut feeling about this. It's not an option for me to join them I'm afraid as I wouldn't get the time off work. And it's not an option for my inlaws to fly over at the moment either.

AIBU?

What would the DC be doing if they don't go to GPs? Do you have other plans in place?

It sounds like a good plan to me but maybe cut down the time a little if you feel 2 weeks is too long.

Actually if a child is not ready to be separated esp one who is so young you can foster feelings of major separation anxiety, mean they will be able more to clinging and anxious on return. Any small dc would think where is mum.

The only controlling person here is you. I suggest compromising on ten days and taking a long hard look at yourself. You chose this man to be the father of your children. Trust him.

Can DH not change the trip to his parents so it spans the time you have off? So him and kids go 3rd week of Aug and you join them for the last week? I know this is 'family holiday' time but I do think it's important you facilitate a relationship between your kids and inlaws and if you aren't willing to let them go without you then this seems a good compromise?

Alternatively would DH take them for a week as opposed to 2?

I have a 2yo and 4yo (actually 2.5 and 4.5) and as much as I'd love a 2 week break it would be too much for the little one and I to be apart for 2 weeks.

I also think you are BU. And I talk as someone with a partner from a different culture/language (and indeed I am not British either) so I get the idea from both sides... It will be a fantastic experience for them and the way I look at it I would be very upset if my husband had refused to let me take the children in the same situation. Yes you are their mother but he is their dad. Having said that 2 weeks would be too long for me in respect of the 2yrs old but that's also because I breastfeed and I know my nearly 3yrs old would struggle without me for 2 weeks. But I would agree to 1 week and/or maybe fly over there for the week-ends or sth.
As for the language and your DH "forgetting" to speak in his native language: I know first hand how hard that can be!! I'm hoping 5 weeks in my native country this summer will help my kids catch up!

YANBU there is no way I'd be without my children for 2 weeks voluntarily

A fortnight immersed in the other language may also have the added bonus of spurring on the father to use his native language with his children.

We had a friend who was told by 'professionals' not to use his native language with his children as it would confuse them. The result was that the children grew up unable to talk and therefore build a relationship with his parents, their grandparents. Very sad all-round

I would suggest it happen after ds has started school, so maybe a week next Easter or half term, gives you all time to get used to the idea and the children can talk about it over Skype to help them prepare.

How is your relationship normally with your husband? Is there any chance of him abducting them to another country? You've said you have a bad gut feeling, anything you can put your finger on?

If you have no fears of him abducting the children then you would be unreasonable to refuse unfortunately. My two go away for two weeks every summer (not my choice) and have a blast. I do miss them like mad but they come home happy with lots of stories about what they've got up to and no worse for wear, it's actually good for them to get away for a while. Good for me too, though it took me a couple years to realise that

My DH is taking our DD (age 6) to his home country this summer for 2 weeks for the same reason. However, there wasn't a chance in hell he was taking our (18 months) DS too. DS needs me too much and he won't cope. My DD will miss us but she'll be fine.

I wouldn't say he has made plans with them behind your back unless he has said this. My in laws will take a plan and run with it making loads of plans based on a 'maybe' conversation. They also keep nagging after the 'No', e.g. "No, DS is staying home" met with "but we can.. blah blah blah".

Thing is, you either have to make more of an effort to go to his country more together or let him do things like this (or modify to a week to start with). You can't be the reason they only see them once a year. Or that is my opinion and I think we're in a very similar situation. My DH first took our DD out of the country without me for the first time when she was 4 years old.

YABU
What a great opportunity for them. Bit sad that their father clearly isn't trusted with them.

As a child of one Italian and one English parent, I spent 2 weeks a year with my Italian GPs in Italy from the age of about 5 until I was 14. I sometimes flew alone to Italy, or sometimes my parents would drive or fly with me and drop me off. It was fab! I agree that 2 seems a bit young, but they are gonna be with their dad so not totally alone with unfamiliar people.

I don't think I can say that you're being unreasonable, leaving children must be very difficult. But you say you work anyway, so how much time in those 2 weeks will you actually be 'with' your children, and will you still be able to talk to them while they're abroad?

Two weeks away from one parent, with DGPs who know them less well could be a lot for a 2yr old. eg Are DGPs fluent in DC first language or understand the children's behaviour patterns? Presumably if DH is working they will have sole care during the day?

Is it possible to do one week, then another week later in year but make it a regular trip. It is important that the DCs are connected with all their family as far as possible.

DH needs to step up and use OPOL properly instead if slipping into English - its hard to bring up a child bilingual in English speaking countries. Ditto you should both try to speak DH language when DGP visit.

The one big problem to me is DH organising it with DGP as a fait accomplis. Its not a bad idea but it absolutely should be worked out between you first, then proposed to DGPs.

YABU and selfish

Unless we are about to get a massive every drip feed about how they're actually very horrible people who wouldn't look after them properly, then YABU. Your DH will be there, so unless you don't trust him to look after their emotional well being & adjust his days accordingly, then they should go. It'll be great for all of them.

It's two weeks, you'll cope. You can Skype/FaceTime if it doesn't upset them.

It would be horrible of you to stop them going.

I think this is a lovely idea for your DC, DH and PIL. Not so great for you but I think you should either
a) suck it up or
b) switch you mindset (even if you have to fake it til you make it) and plan lots of stuff so you can relish 2 child free weeks.

Is there any chance you could go out for the weekend in the middle?

I can understand your reluctance, but seriously let them go.

We live in a different country to my parents and I take my kids to visit my parents most years - DH only comes with us if we're going to combine it with a holiday elsewhere in the country before or after, so most years he doesn't come. Admittedly I am with my kids all the time, my parents would struggle to look after the younger ones and wouldn't offer for more than an hour. The first time I went over alone the older children were 9 months and nearly 3.

Should my DH not let me?

I'm also a strong believer in seizing the opportunity to bring children up completely bilingual with both hands, if life circumstances offer you that chance - it is one of the greatest "free gifts" you can give your kids after the basics of love and security etc. and was one of the reasons I wanted to move to my DH's home country - I knew I would always speak English to my kids, but my DH, like yours, was lazy/ embarrassed/ awkward about speaking his language to them while we lived in the UK.

Only thing that would totally change my view on this of course is if the country your DH wants to take the kids to is outside the EU and you are even a tiny bit worried about him not coming back...

I wouldn't be prepared to have 2 weeks away from my kids so YANBU.

And imagine if this was reversed? You wanting to go abroad with your DCs to see your parents? And your DH was refusing. How would you feel? That would be a pretty poor reflection on what your DH thinks of your parenting/your parents. TBH I think you owe him an apology too.

The anxiety is natural - but you need to step back on this one. You are both parents.

I have been in this situation, and no, I wouldn't have allowed him to take them. My IL don't have the same attitude to child safety at all, no car seats, no reins on little kids and my MIL was disabled so couldn't run after my extremely lively children. Also, one of my children was very clingy and was with me or her dad pretty much all the time til aged 3, so being cared for by people they don't know well in a language they didn't understand wouldn't have enhanced that. I knew my husband would be massively distracted by work and end up leaving the kids with the GP all the time and that they wouldn't be able to cope! They did all go when the children were a little older, and with the odd hiccup and trip to A and E in that country, nothing truly terrible happened.

In principle, it's a good idea! And I do know lots of bilingual/two culture families where over time they have got the grandparents familiar with the children and the stays with and then without the parents have happened, although probably not always as young as 2 and 4, more 6 upwards. It is great for language development.

I think you know your own children, how much the dad normally cares for them, how young and fit and likely to be able to care the grandparents are and if the children are likely to enjoy the trip or whether it's likely to unsettle them. However much I wanted my children to learn the language, I wasn't about to give my 2 year old to someone who didn't use car seats or keep them safe around water (they would nap, pool uncovered), I wouldn't have been able to sleep the whole time and I'm glad I didn't shift on that.

I doubt understand why her dh parenting is skills are not called into question. He could he the best most caring df on the whole world however, you cannot stop small dc simply wanting mum

Are you called into question that should say

Sorry, OP, but unless you have GENUINE fears that your DH would not return to this country with the children, YABU. And I do mean genuine.

Your DH should be able to manage his children with his parents for a couple of weeks. He is their father. If it turns out his parents can't cope full time, then he will be the one dealing with it. Let him.

You sound like the controlling one, tbh. Yes, he should have discussed it with you before possibly agreeing it with his parents, which it sounds like he might have. But you are doing yourself no favours with him and his parents by acting like this. You say you don't want to be away from your children for that long? Well, if your marriage breaks down over your unreasonableness, you will potentially not be seeing your children for bits of every week depending upon how custodial days are awarded.

I'd be extremely annoyed if DH made that sort of plan without discussing it with me first.

I'm all for the opportunity, etc., but nobody makes plan for my children without my input and agreement.

If it's a hot country they'll be going to, think of all the fabuous Vit D they can get from the sunshine! Excellent health benefits for children as we certainly don't get enough from the British weather.