AIBU to say that DC should not go to their grandparents abroad for 2 weeks?

[LookingforRainbows]

Hi all,

DD is 4, due to start school in September, and DS is 2. DH and I both work full time, and both dc go to day nursery.

We both have time off work the last week and a half of August, to take a family holiday together. I then have the first week of September off, and DH has a few days in the week of September off (to settle DD into school before she starts breakfast club/after-school club).

DH does however have a lot more flexibility with his work - he often holds meetings via skype and teleconference, and if planned and organised in advanced, he can spend periods working from home, not needing to go into the office for a couple of weeks, whereas I work public sector, and certainly don't have that degree of flexibility.

Anyway, last week DH was talking with his family (who live abroad in Europe) in his native language. I admit I certainly am not fluent in his language, although I do know a bit, and when they were talking, I gathered that they were talking about the children, but I wasn't able to understand much as they were talking very fast. Not that it mattered I thought, as I don't need to understand, it's their conversation and doesn't concern me.
Anyway, later that eve, DH told me that he was thinking about taking 2 weeks in August to work from home, and he could go to his home country, with DD and DS, and his parents could look after them while he worked, as this would be good for their learning of his native language which is coming on slow at the moment, which I agree with, (although this is because DH is always talking to them in English and 'forgets' to speak his native language, but that's a whole other issue for a whole other thread) also that it would be good for them to bond with his parents, who they do know, as his parents come over every year, and we also visited earlier this year, and we do Skype etc.

Anyway, I wasn't keen on this idea, as I don't want to be away from DC for 2 weeks, and even though DH will be with them, he will be working, so they will be full time with their grandparents who they don't know very well, (although I do accept they are not strangers). Aside from taking them to the park when they came to visit this year, my inlaws have never looked after DC alone before, and DS in particular can be quite clingy and unsettled, especially in unfamiliar places. Also, DD can get anxious and gets upset when she doesn't understand (but she internalises it rather than letting it out) and I worry that she might be some upset if she doesn't understand the language or feels that her grandparents don't understand her.

So I told DH that I didn't think it would be a good idea, and that I wasn't comfortable with it.

Roll forward to this weekend, DH is again trying to convince me to change my mind. Again I say the same things. DH is adamant it will be fine, and tells me that his parents have already been getting ready to have the children and have been making plans for all the things they will do when they have the children, and how they are really looking forward to having them etc etc. I was a bit annoyed, because it seemed as bough he had gone and made the plans with his parents, knowing that I had already said I wasn't happy with it.
He then said to me that I was being selfish as I would have no problem with them being with my parents for two weeks (not really the same as my parents live not too far away and see DC quite often and have cared for DC on their own a few times before) and that I am being selfish because I am blocking what will be good for the children, all because I don't want to be alone and have an empty house after work, and that it would be better than the children being at nursery. He even had said I was being controlling! But I think that he is the controlling one, making plans with his parents, knowing I had already said no.

DH is frosty with me his morning, but I really don't want to back down on this. I worry that as DD is starting school soon, I don't want to add to her anxiety, and yes I guess I am being protective, I know they will be with their dad and grandparents, but I just have a bad gut feeling about this. It's not an option for me to join them I'm afraid as I wouldn't get the time off work. And it's not an option for my inlaws to fly over at the moment either.

AIBU?

He could he the best most caring df on the whole world however, you cannot stop small dc simply wanting mum

Not necessarily. Some children absolutely favour their dad and I guess if one of the children in this scenario is tired/unhappy and wants their mum, a cuddle from dad will be enough.

As far as as I can can seen not one poster has revealed to ops saying her children are e clinging and anxious. The whole focus is on their dh parenting skills and no thought of the dc personality or what they would actually want.

Agree to it? I would have been suggesting it to dh..

I think it's a great idea!
(as someone who's half "foreign", and spent many happy holidays with my granny, speaking my second language etc)
Although I can see it might be a bit long for the little one, going for a (long?) weekend in the middle sounds like a good idea.

YABU. I think it's a great idea, the children will gain so much from it. You are being selfish, controlling, and trying to prevent your in laws from having a strong relationship with their grandchildren.

YABU, it's a great opportunity for your children and as long as the PIL are up to looking after the kids, then why not.

Yabu and v controlling of you.

Let them go with their DDad and give them the opportunity to have a similar relationship with their paternal GPs as they already have with yours. Maybe it might even help your DD with her anxiety. It will certainly help them with their second language. Lots of positives, great for them to broaden their horizons. Maybe your gut feeling is actually your own anxiety at the thought of being left alone? Whatever, let them go.

I think 2 and 4 is too young for two weeks apart. I would not have liked to have been apart from my two-year-old for that long, a feeling that would have been mutual. When they're 6 and 4, say, that might be different. Perhaps you could compromise on one week this year? I can understand that your DH wants the children to spend time with his parents and perhaps it will give him a kick up the backside to speak his native language at home more often. I think he should have discussed it with you before getting his parents to make plans.

My dad came to the UK in his early 20s and never spoke to me and my sister in his native language (fortunately his mother was fluent in English, although it's not much fun sitting around with loads of relatives and not understanding a word they are saying). We used to go back to his country of birth every year or every other year, but when I was about 7 my mum decided she didn't want to go any more. I then didn't see my paternal GM until I was 13, when my mum reluctantly agreed to let us travel there with just our dad. So we missed out on a lot on having a relationship with our paternal GM, although we did keep in touch via letters.

I agree with the majority that YABU, I think he could have handled it a little better but I think it's a great opportunity to forge bonds with his family and see where his side of the family are from.

The alternative is to be in childcare every day? Or is there another alternative that involves them doing something fun with you, dad or your parents?

I think that it sounds like a great solution to the child care cover nightmare that the school holidays create. Their dad will be with them, even if working. There are loads of benefits to them and the main negative is that you and the do will miss one another. Could you perhaps agree to a week this time with a view to them doing a fortnight in other holidays when the children are a bit older?

Where has OPgone?

I guess she didn't get the response she thought she might get.

Boot on the other foot and it were YOUR parents and DH was saying no how would you feel
He's just as much their parent as you are and I think you're being selfish putting your feelings ahead of the quality time they are getting to spend with the grandchildren they don't often see
There a lot of positives to come from them going and no many negatives

It sounds like a great idea but I agree that for the first time doing it two weeks is too long , especially for a 2 year old. I think compromising on just a week this year but suggesting that it could be longer in future is a good plan.

YABU. Really irks me on here when women seem to think their in-laws are strangers but their own parents are family.

I'm in a similar situation and I've said I'd prefer them to be 4 or 5 before going that far away without me. I would compromise on one week with the older child and keep the younger one at home. 2 IMO is too young to go abroad without the primary parent (which tends to be mum) unless it's a necessary trip.

Also , Do you want to be the reason the the gps don't have a relationship with their grandchildren ... I think you're very controlling and putting your feelings above evwryone else ... What else would they be doing ? .. A nursery with a bunch of strangers when they could be with family having a great time ?

YABU. They're his children too and he will be there!

Really irks me on here when women seem to think their in-laws are strangers but their own parents are family.

Its a practical reflection of the reality here - one set of DGP overseas, seen less often, never in a care situation, whilst the other live near enough for frequent low level contact.

They need to put a plan in place where DH steps up his efforts language wise and they agree regular visits of a duration which work with the youngest child. Then at some point they will be able to send the kids off to DGP on their own for a couple of weeks and enjoy their own hols. The problem here is the fait accomplis - I wouldn't be happy with that however keen I was to get shot of facilitate kids relationship with DGP.

YANBU. I just don't see how being away from one of their parents (who is normally a key part of their day) could be a treat for a 2 year old. My husband went away for 4 nights when mine were 2 1/2. They didn't want to do anything, they resisted bedtimes and woke through the night sobbing for him, my mum - who they see weekly and love - came over and they told her they didnt want her, they wanted daddy.

My boys are well adjusted and have no separation anxiety normally. DH is very hands on though and suddenly he disappeared.

Equally, we took them away for a week and came home a day early because although they were having lots of fun, they just wanted to be at home.

I'm sure the grandparents are looking forward to seeing their grandchildren, showing them lots of fun things and being loved by them. Will they cope if the reality is two small upset people who are desperately missing their mum and don't want to bond?

Sounds nice for the children. They will be with their dad!

The only negative is you'll miss them but you could go out for a long weekend in the middle.

Didnt the OP say she would be fine if it was her DP isn't that totally wrong tbh i think YABU i would wave them off its better to start them off young then have them being clingy as they never been away from mum

I'd hate to be away from my kids for so long at such a young age. Even now, 7 & 5, I'd consider a week at most. My family has suggested having them, only a few hours drive away, but I don't think they are old enough yet. I suspect they will be in a couple of years but 5 yr olds are still very young, or mine is.

Yabvu

YADNBU.

OP (if you're there) I have a European DH and it's very common in his country for the GPs to take the children for two weeks during holidays from 1 year old (sometimes younger). For me that was way too early.

Mine are now 4&6 (nearly). I would consider sending the 6 year old for a week but not the 4 year old.

They'd both be fine now if DH was with them.

2 weeks at age two is too young especially if you feel it is - you're also part of the family.

Make it clear that you want them to spend time with the GPs, that you want the children to grow up knowing them etc but this year 2 weeks is too long. I think in this scenario you've been forced into a week though. Try to get it when you can be there too.

He should have discussed it first with you. Neither of you are more important than the other, but if you're a team then you work like a team. Seems he's gone off on his own on this one.

The other thing is that we all know how much work really gets done when you have the kids at home, even if someone is there looking after them. He's not going to have as much time as he thinks. But let him discover that.

I'd be really interested to know how many of the YABU posters have sent their similarly aged kids off abroad, albeit with DH, for two weeks with GPs the kids don't know all that well. It's definitely not the same as sending them two hours away, even if it's "only" Europe (in which case why don't the GPs visit for the weekend more..yeah).

If they were a bit older it would have been a much better idea.