AIBU to say that DC should not go to their grandparents abroad for 2 weeks?

[LookingforRainbows]

Hi all,

DD is 4, due to start school in September, and DS is 2. DH and I both work full time, and both dc go to day nursery.

We both have time off work the last week and a half of August, to take a family holiday together. I then have the first week of September off, and DH has a few days in the week of September off (to settle DD into school before she starts breakfast club/after-school club).

DH does however have a lot more flexibility with his work - he often holds meetings via skype and teleconference, and if planned and organised in advanced, he can spend periods working from home, not needing to go into the office for a couple of weeks, whereas I work public sector, and certainly don't have that degree of flexibility.

Anyway, last week DH was talking with his family (who live abroad in Europe) in his native language. I admit I certainly am not fluent in his language, although I do know a bit, and when they were talking, I gathered that they were talking about the children, but I wasn't able to understand much as they were talking very fast. Not that it mattered I thought, as I don't need to understand, it's their conversation and doesn't concern me.
Anyway, later that eve, DH told me that he was thinking about taking 2 weeks in August to work from home, and he could go to his home country, with DD and DS, and his parents could look after them while he worked, as this would be good for their learning of his native language which is coming on slow at the moment, which I agree with, (although this is because DH is always talking to them in English and 'forgets' to speak his native language, but that's a whole other issue for a whole other thread) also that it would be good for them to bond with his parents, who they do know, as his parents come over every year, and we also visited earlier this year, and we do Skype etc.

Anyway, I wasn't keen on this idea, as I don't want to be away from DC for 2 weeks, and even though DH will be with them, he will be working, so they will be full time with their grandparents who they don't know very well, (although I do accept they are not strangers). Aside from taking them to the park when they came to visit this year, my inlaws have never looked after DC alone before, and DS in particular can be quite clingy and unsettled, especially in unfamiliar places. Also, DD can get anxious and gets upset when she doesn't understand (but she internalises it rather than letting it out) and I worry that she might be some upset if she doesn't understand the language or feels that her grandparents don't understand her.

So I told DH that I didn't think it would be a good idea, and that I wasn't comfortable with it.

Roll forward to this weekend, DH is again trying to convince me to change my mind. Again I say the same things. DH is adamant it will be fine, and tells me that his parents have already been getting ready to have the children and have been making plans for all the things they will do when they have the children, and how they are really looking forward to having them etc etc. I was a bit annoyed, because it seemed as bough he had gone and made the plans with his parents, knowing that I had already said I wasn't happy with it.
He then said to me that I was being selfish as I would have no problem with them being with my parents for two weeks (not really the same as my parents live not too far away and see DC quite often and have cared for DC on their own a few times before) and that I am being selfish because I am blocking what will be good for the children, all because I don't want to be alone and have an empty house after work, and that it would be better than the children being at nursery. He even had said I was being controlling! But I think that he is the controlling one, making plans with his parents, knowing I had already said no.

DH is frosty with me his morning, but I really don't want to back down on this. I worry that as DD is starting school soon, I don't want to add to her anxiety, and yes I guess I am being protective, I know they will be with their dad and grandparents, but I just have a bad gut feeling about this. It's not an option for me to join them I'm afraid as I wouldn't get the time off work. And it's not an option for my inlaws to fly over at the moment either.

AIBU?

They are too young. You are their mother And they will be going away with their father. The mother's wishes don't trump the father's, you know!

I think they should definitely go, not only for the fact that the children see your parents much more and so why shouldn't they see their other grandparents too? They won't be flying out there on their own!

Maybe they could go for 10 days if you're so worried about it but I'm not sure how you can explain being "worried" to your DH when I'm sure he is more than capable looking after his own children for a few days.

You say that when your DH is working the GPs will be looking after them. But i assume is he is working from home then he will be around in the house, just not always focussed on the children? That isn’t the same as taking the DC to their GP’s and dumping them for 2 weeks.

I think this will be a good opportunity for your children, if nothing else to start consolidating their language skills in their second language.

YABU but I do understand your apprehension. I agree with the earlier poster who suggested you pop over for the weekend in the middle.

It will be a fantastic experience for the children, they will be with people who love them and have time to spend with them. And it will be a break for you.

Not exactly the same thing I know as DS1 is 12 but he is flying alone to the country where DH works to spend 2 weeks with him.

Ive really struggled with this and he is 12 so can completely understand where you are coming from however it's a fantastic opportunity for them to be with their grandparents.

I have two the same age and I absolutely wouldn't agree to two weeks it's far too long (although I'm a sahm so would find that really strange) and I don't care if that makes me selfish, however I do think it's a great opportunity for them and their grandparents and they will still have their dad around, plus it's better for them than being in nursery so I would agree to a week. Is it somewhere you could fly out to for a long weekend to make it 10 days?

Neither of you ABU.
Totally see where both of you are coming from, however it will be amazing for the kids to get a bond with their grandparents.
DH has never taken both kids together, but he took DS2 longhaul aged 3 to visit his grandmother (kids great grandmother) for 2 weeks while I was at work and DS1 at school . The following year DS1announced it was his turn. So they went in the Easter holidays.

I'm currently in the UK with the kids while DH is at work (we currently live in the middle east)

It's tough, for everyone. Whoever is left behind. Whoever us dealing with flights and kids and suitcases.

But it's an amazing opportunity.

Why not try a week this year - leaving on a Friday, so the grandparents get weekend of gentle introduction to the kids.
If its a short flight, can you go with them for the weekend, and come back Sunday evening? If they came back the following weekend it would then be 5 days apart.

YABU. I thought you were going to say he wanted them to miss the start of school or something.

Unless you had any reasons to worry that the grandparents aren't capable of looking after them then it's a lovely idea all round. Like others have suggested, perhaps the thing to negotiate is the length of the trip, they may have underestimated how tiring a 4 and 2 years old can be 24/7. Nowhere in Europe is so far that it has to be a fortnight. Maybe if a week went well they could plan a fortnight next summer?

I hope you will take a moment to listen to the almost unanimous response here and consider that your gut response has been a bit unfair on DH. It would be such a shame to deny the kids the opportunity to develop their second language and culture.

They are will be with their father but these are dc are not very young and they, may not want to to be away from mum for that long!! Op I think two weeks is far too long to its really unfair to railroad you like this. The biggest problem to me is that, neither your nor your actual children Interest seem to be taken into account here. So can you trust them if you the dc cry and scream and want mum. My friend went away recently two nights, I was there when she did Skype, dc 18 months ago 4 bother sobbed when she said she goodbye an ended up call

Let them go Sweet, they'll be with their Daddy, not just the GPs.
It will be a great experience, and their language skills, will come on, in leaps and bounds.
It's always difficult letting them go, but they'll be with people who love them dearly, and they'll have a great time !

YABU. They will be with their dad! It sounds like a wonderful plan for everyone. Look at it as an opportunity to do something over the two weeks in the evenings. Get a house project done, go on bike rides - whatever you enjoy. FaceTime them every day.
What is the real problem? Are you a bit controlling?

YABU. I'm not knocking nursery as plenty of mums have to work. However, it would be crazy to put your kids into nursery for 2 weeks when they could be cared for by family members and get to have a holiday rather than just being in nursery. Think about what's best for your kids - rather than being in nursery and only seeing you when you are home from work, they get to see their dad and grandparents all day, doing fun things together.

I think two weeks is the issue. I would not be happy to be away from a two year old for that long. Can't you do a week?

Otherwise it seems a great arrangement.

I would let them go. It would be great for them but I would agree that at their ages 2 weeks is too long. Can you compromise on a week?

If it was me I would be saying 2 weeks is too much for a 2 year old to be away from one parent but I'd be happy for them to go for 1 week and, if that goes well, 2 weeks next summer.

My Dh took our eldest dc (2 at the time) away for a week to visit his parents abroad last year. I missed him horribly for the first night then I had a great time. I'm very much hoping he offers to take both dcs this year .

I think YANBU as your youngest is only two.

I would have rather ripped an arm off than spend a fortnight away from my DC at that age.

@iheartttc if your husband lives where I think he does (job accepted 2-2.5 years ago???), that is an amazing thing for your son. Hope he has an amazing time visiting places very few get to see.

This is more about you than the DC or the DGP - Dad will be around if there are significant problems, GP might not have looked after kids for a while but its not like they haven't done it before - am assuming they are not in their 70's like mine. I think you have to accept that while you are thinking this is about kids its actually about you and letting go and trusting other people with something precious to you.

My DD was staying with my parents from age 6mths, prob about twice a yr though so not that often we bild up from a day or so to moer and at 2 went for a week. ON her own no parents. It encourages self sufficiency, prepares them for being apart from you in school and nursery and gives you head space. You will miss them but I am sure you have plenty of bigger jobs you never get to or sorting or decorating or just deep cleaning to get your teeth into and a weekend away in the middle might be fun. Today it seems we are expected to spend every waking none working moment with our kids and I am honestly not sure its healthy for us or them.

DH is as capable as looking after their needs as you are

I also strongly recommend feels that it is not necessary at all for a two and four year old to need time push boundaries and get out if they are comfort zone. I remember my own dm going aways from two weeks when I washed about 11 ish, I adored my df, no problems loving me or taking care of me but I desperately missed my mum. My dc have stayed over two nights and there nights at gp various times over the years and they both hated it and begged not to go again.

I agree that compromise would be a good option if you're really not comfortable with 2 weeks. A pp suggested that you go out there for the middle weekend, which I thought was a good idea. Or even, could you get a couple of days off work and make it a long weekend? I.e Thursday to Monday or similar?

What will GPs be doing with the DCs during the day when DH is working? If they'll be in the house so he is there to help with any communication issues, especially at the beginning then I think (while two weeks is potentially a bit long in the first instance) YABabitU.

If they're planning long days out from day 1 where the DCs will be away from DH and there will be some communication problems until your DCs fluency catches up, then I'd be a little more concerned.

I think it's a fantastic idea, when the children are older. They are too young to do that now.

YABU - they will be with their dad. From the children's point of view it is a beneficial arrangement (much better for them than nursery for 2 weeks). And if you prevent this you will being a whole heap of resentment into your marriage. Imagine the response on here if a father tried to prevent a mother taking her children to see her parents for 2 weeks.

Yep probably unreasonable however I wouldn't let mine go , I'm the main 'go to' person for our kids and although I trust dad with them I wouldn't be happy for an overnight without me. Yes he is their parent too however I also wouldn't take them away from him for two weeks as he would miss them. I wouldn't even accept a week without me going. You're the mum, if you aren't happy put your foot down and say no and as long as you would respect him if he said no in the same situation (for example you wanted to go abroad with the kids and your parents for two weeks and he didn't want you to- you would accept this and not moan) then that's perfectly acceptable. Yes it's sad they don't get to see his parents but there's Skype and sadly that's part of families living in different families.

Has the OP been back?