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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say that DC should not go to their grandparents abroad for 2 weeks?

204 replies

LookingforRainbows · 16/07/2017 08:54

Hi all,

DD is 4, due to start school in September, and DS is 2. DH and I both work full time, and both dc go to day nursery.

We both have time off work the last week and a half of August, to take a family holiday together. I then have the first week of September off, and DH has a few days in the week of September off (to settle DD into school before she starts breakfast club/after-school club).

DH does however have a lot more flexibility with his work - he often holds meetings via skype and teleconference, and if planned and organised in advanced, he can spend periods working from home, not needing to go into the office for a couple of weeks, whereas I work public sector, and certainly don't have that degree of flexibility.

Anyway, last week DH was talking with his family (who live abroad in Europe) in his native language. I admit I certainly am not fluent in his language, although I do know a bit, and when they were talking, I gathered that they were talking about the children, but I wasn't able to understand much as they were talking very fast. Not that it mattered I thought, as I don't need to understand, it's their conversation and doesn't concern me.
Anyway, later that eve, DH told me that he was thinking about taking 2 weeks in August to work from home, and he could go to his home country, with DD and DS, and his parents could look after them while he worked, as this would be good for their learning of his native language which is coming on slow at the moment, which I agree with, (although this is because DH is always talking to them in English and 'forgets' to speak his native language, but that's a whole other issue for a whole other thread) also that it would be good for them to bond with his parents, who they do know, as his parents come over every year, and we also visited earlier this year, and we do Skype etc.

Anyway, I wasn't keen on this idea, as I don't want to be away from DC for 2 weeks, and even though DH will be with them, he will be working, so they will be full time with their grandparents who they don't know very well, (although I do accept they are not strangers). Aside from taking them to the park when they came to visit this year, my inlaws have never looked after DC alone before, and DS in particular can be quite clingy and unsettled, especially in unfamiliar places. Also, DD can get anxious and gets upset when she doesn't understand (but she internalises it rather than letting it out) and I worry that she might be some upset if she doesn't understand the language or feels that her grandparents don't understand her.

So I told DH that I didn't think it would be a good idea, and that I wasn't comfortable with it.

Roll forward to this weekend, DH is again trying to convince me to change my mind. Again I say the same things. DH is adamant it will be fine, and tells me that his parents have already been getting ready to have the children and have been making plans for all the things they will do when they have the children, and how they are really looking forward to having them etc etc. I was a bit annoyed, because it seemed as bough he had gone and made the plans with his parents, knowing that I had already said I wasn't happy with it.
He then said to me that I was being selfish as I would have no problem with them being with my parents for two weeks (not really the same as my parents live not too far away and see DC quite often and have cared for DC on their own a few times before) and that I am being selfish because I am blocking what will be good for the children, all because I don't want to be alone and have an empty house after work, and that it would be better than the children being at nursery. He even had said I was being controlling! But I think that he is the controlling one, making plans with his parents, knowing I had already said no.

DH is frosty with me his morning, but I really don't want to back down on this. I worry that as DD is starting school soon, I don't want to add to her anxiety, and yes I guess I am being protective, I know they will be with their dad and grandparents, but I just have a bad gut feeling about this. It's not an option for me to join them I'm afraid as I wouldn't get the time off work. And it's not an option for my inlaws to fly over at the moment either.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LilyBolero · 16/07/2017 11:58

YABU it sounds fantastic for everyone, including you! You get a chance to re-charge your batteries, have some time in the evenings to watch what you want on tv, go out if you want to on a whim, and the children get to build relationships with their family.

Oysterbabe · 16/07/2017 12:00

Completely normal to change a few details to make a post less outing but there is a world of difference between leaving a 4 and 2 year old and a 7 and 5 year old.

FrancisCrawford · 16/07/2017 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WicksEnd · 16/07/2017 12:22

Oh fgs, at least work out how to name change if you're gonna spout bull

VestalVirgin · 16/07/2017 12:28

Where in Europe?

France, Spain, Germany, Italy, I would not consider a problem. Anywhere else, though, I would be concerned.

(And many adults cannot cope with the way toilets are set up in some Southern European countries - I imagine children won't mind so much, but you never know)

Have they ever been there?

AngelaTwerkel · 16/07/2017 12:34

France, Spain, Germany, Italy, I would not consider a problem. Anywhere else, though, I would be concerned.

Why? What are they doing in Switzerland or the Netherlands or (god forbid) Poland that is so concerning for small children?

JojoLapin · 16/07/2017 12:36

YABU, my DCs have been going away on most holidays from a v young age. Staying by themselves at their GPs, having a wonderful time. It is a great holiday for them and the bonding with the GPs leads to rock solid relationships (not easy when you live so far away). + it helps with their language skills.

Of course it is hard on the parents staying home but not letting them go for this reason is incredibly selfish.

So OP, how many kids and how old? Hardly outing you know...

AdalindSchade · 16/07/2017 12:40

Op might have changed details for some reason.
Either way, SIBU. They will be with their father and grandparents. Chill out and trust them.

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 16/07/2017 12:50

Two weeks is too long, Imo. If you're unhappy about it, I'd say your DH is BU.

If it's a hot country they'll be going to, think of all the fabuous Vit D they can get from the sunshine! Excellent health benefits for children as we certainly don't get enough from the British weather.

What a completely ridiculous thing to use as a reason to let them go! Given our recent weather and the fact that you get fit D even if it's overcast, that's just stupid.

Mixedupmummy · 16/07/2017 12:55

Yanbu in my opinion. In theory the trip sounds lovely and has many benefits. but 2 weeks is a long time for young children to be away from a parent. It will obviously unsettle them, based on what you've said, and you'll be the one that has to deal with the fall out.
I can understand why your dh wants to do it but in the current circumstances it doesn't seem to be the best thing for them. That should be the main concern. What's best for them.

sparechange · 16/07/2017 12:55

France, Spain, Germany, Italy, I would not consider a problem. Anywhere else, though, I would be concerned.
(And many adults cannot cope with the way toilets are set up in some Southern European countries - I imagine children won't mind so much, but you never know)

And the prize for the most ridiculous post of 2017 is won...

Concerned about what?!
Sounds like someone is in desperate need of broadening their horizons beyond a few bucket holidays...

Original poster
LookingforRainbows · 16/07/2017 13:01

Ok I'm back from being out - sorry I can't believe how many responses there has been! Will trail through and answer in a bit. Sorry why are people accusing me of making this up? Don't know why I'm being troll hunted because I didn't respond strait away? This is why I can't be bothered to post on mumsnet most of the time.
Thank you for the replies to those of you who aren't Making accusations at me.

I appreciate that I am being over protective. I know they would be fine with their Dad, but it's the fact that their dad will be tied up in work to be around that much which was worrying me.

OP posts:
Original poster
LookingforRainbows · 16/07/2017 13:02

And the country is Sweden for those who asked

OP posts:
Summerswallow · 16/07/2017 13:05

I think some people were pointing out the inconsistencies of the ages of the children and number you have posted about in very detailed posts recently- they don't add up! I get you may have changed the ages, however this is relevant here as 2 is pretty young, whereas 4 and 6 is probably a good age to start staying away with GP I would say.

If their Dad is normally a good parent, and the GP's are responsible and able to do the childcare, I wouldn't have an issue. I knew my PIL couldn't do the childcare, despite their keenness and my husband agreed so we agreed they would never take the children beyond an hour or two at a time, so no long holidays. Sad, but not all GP are great childcarers just as not all parents are either!

This situation actually sounds fine, unless there are some concerns about the GP- and whether the 2 year old is just a little too young. Why not make it 1 week this year and see how it goes?

RandomUsernameHere · 16/07/2017 13:09

YANBU in the slightest. A lot parents with young children have never been in a different country from them, let alone for two weeks. It is very presumptuous that the grandparents have started to make plans without your agreement.

propertyvirgin · 16/07/2017 13:13

Honestly I think it doesn't sound good and quite frankly it's more for the benefit of the grandparents and your husband than the children. A lot of the yabu responses are considering the adults, their needs, wants and how it will make them feel. How are the children going to feel? Particularly your 2 year old, I know mine would find it very stressful

I totally agree. NO one has mentioned op saying her dc have anxiety etc.

My DD was left with loving GP when she was just 4..she hated it and still remembers it now - years later.

Booboobooboo84 · 16/07/2017 13:16

YABU they are his children too. And how else are they going to form a bond with their grandparents if they don't spend time with them. Also re your DS being clingy this might be very good for him emotionally and help to reduce the clinginess.

It will be hard for you but there is Skype for you to stay in touch

newbian · 16/07/2017 13:16

Yeah I have to say I'm surprised so many people think OP is BU. Is it necessary to separate a 2 year old from his mother for 2 weeks, just for a holiday?

Also from a more practical view, is her DH ready to handle two kids on a flight alone? I wouldn't volunteer for that to be honest.

ConstanceCraving · 16/07/2017 13:18

Nobody has troll hunted. But there is some confusion to your dc's ages relating to an old thread linked.

elevenclips · 16/07/2017 13:19

What % of the parenting does your dh do? If he does 50% then I think it would be ok to discuss him taking them abroad for a week. Two weeks is much too long IMO.

That said, the 2yo is very very little and I wouldn't take a 2yo from their mum or dad for two weeks, possibly not even one. They don't understand how far away they are or what's going on. My 2yo niece calls mummy mummy mummy mummy mummy mummy mummy mummy ... when she's away from SIL for a day or an afternoon. I also looked after a friends 2yo who did the exact same thing, just muttered mummy mummy mummy ... whatever she was doing. Eg play a game with some toys, she's engaging with the game but muttering mummy mummy mummy constantly.

elevenclips · 16/07/2017 13:21

Oh and I left my 2yo for one single night with a loving, trusted and familiar grandparent when I was in hospital and they woke up in the night distressed and went to the front door looking for me. Very blasé of a lot of people on this thread to just say it's fine.

teaandtoast · 16/07/2017 13:24

Well maybe, if dh steps up and doesn't 'forget' to talk in his native language to them. Presumably you'd be a bit happier if they could undersrand their GPs a bit more?

WaitingTillJuly17 · 16/07/2017 13:29

Honestly I just thought it was odd that you would lie about DC's age, presumably to manipulate the outcome of the thread which has not gone the way you expected it to.

Either way, I stand by my original comment. YABU to stop your children from spending time with their grandparents and a perfectly capable father (if the other thread is anything to go by). Maybe not for two weeks as a first trip but it needs to start somewhere unless you wish to foster bad feeling between yourself, DP and PIL.

DotForShort · 16/07/2017 13:31

YABU. In many ways.

Pandabee11 · 16/07/2017 13:32

Trust your gut, decision making in relationships works well when both parties agree. Remember 2 yes / 1 no. Going behind your back and arranging a holiday for himself and the kids means that he is more worried about his parents feelings than yours. That is a problem. Being intimidated into a course of action is not healthy and will damage your relationship.

If this was me, I would veto this trip simply because I am their mother and I wasn't asked. Everyone learning that you need to be part of the decision making process is most important here. Or this behaviour will snowball and cause great resentment.

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