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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say that DC should not go to their grandparents abroad for 2 weeks?

204 replies

LookingforRainbows · 16/07/2017 08:54

Hi all,

DD is 4, due to start school in September, and DS is 2. DH and I both work full time, and both dc go to day nursery.

We both have time off work the last week and a half of August, to take a family holiday together. I then have the first week of September off, and DH has a few days in the week of September off (to settle DD into school before she starts breakfast club/after-school club).

DH does however have a lot more flexibility with his work - he often holds meetings via skype and teleconference, and if planned and organised in advanced, he can spend periods working from home, not needing to go into the office for a couple of weeks, whereas I work public sector, and certainly don't have that degree of flexibility.

Anyway, last week DH was talking with his family (who live abroad in Europe) in his native language. I admit I certainly am not fluent in his language, although I do know a bit, and when they were talking, I gathered that they were talking about the children, but I wasn't able to understand much as they were talking very fast. Not that it mattered I thought, as I don't need to understand, it's their conversation and doesn't concern me.
Anyway, later that eve, DH told me that he was thinking about taking 2 weeks in August to work from home, and he could go to his home country, with DD and DS, and his parents could look after them while he worked, as this would be good for their learning of his native language which is coming on slow at the moment, which I agree with, (although this is because DH is always talking to them in English and 'forgets' to speak his native language, but that's a whole other issue for a whole other thread) also that it would be good for them to bond with his parents, who they do know, as his parents come over every year, and we also visited earlier this year, and we do Skype etc.

Anyway, I wasn't keen on this idea, as I don't want to be away from DC for 2 weeks, and even though DH will be with them, he will be working, so they will be full time with their grandparents who they don't know very well, (although I do accept they are not strangers). Aside from taking them to the park when they came to visit this year, my inlaws have never looked after DC alone before, and DS in particular can be quite clingy and unsettled, especially in unfamiliar places. Also, DD can get anxious and gets upset when she doesn't understand (but she internalises it rather than letting it out) and I worry that she might be some upset if she doesn't understand the language or feels that her grandparents don't understand her.

So I told DH that I didn't think it would be a good idea, and that I wasn't comfortable with it.

Roll forward to this weekend, DH is again trying to convince me to change my mind. Again I say the same things. DH is adamant it will be fine, and tells me that his parents have already been getting ready to have the children and have been making plans for all the things they will do when they have the children, and how they are really looking forward to having them etc etc. I was a bit annoyed, because it seemed as bough he had gone and made the plans with his parents, knowing that I had already said I wasn't happy with it.
He then said to me that I was being selfish as I would have no problem with them being with my parents for two weeks (not really the same as my parents live not too far away and see DC quite often and have cared for DC on their own a few times before) and that I am being selfish because I am blocking what will be good for the children, all because I don't want to be alone and have an empty house after work, and that it would be better than the children being at nursery. He even had said I was being controlling! But I think that he is the controlling one, making plans with his parents, knowing I had already said no.

DH is frosty with me his morning, but I really don't want to back down on this. I worry that as DD is starting school soon, I don't want to add to her anxiety, and yes I guess I am being protective, I know they will be with their dad and grandparents, but I just have a bad gut feeling about this. It's not an option for me to join them I'm afraid as I wouldn't get the time off work. And it's not an option for my inlaws to fly over at the moment either.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 16/07/2017 09:18

I'm one of the few people on your side OP.
2 weeks is a long time for both you and the children.

Would the in laws coming here work for you?

SuperRainbows · 16/07/2017 09:18

I understand where you're coming from op. I think they're too young.
There's plenty of time to do this when they're older.

LemonSqueezy0 · 16/07/2017 09:20

Of course they should go! Sounds like a wonderful opportunity for them all to bond. Please don't make it all about you. They will love it, let them do so without feeling guilty.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 16/07/2017 09:20

YANBU, if you don't know and trust the grandparents I wouldn't send them. They are very young and don't speak the language and your DH clearly won't respect your wishes. I think he is doing that for himself rather than the kids.

Smallangryplanet · 16/07/2017 09:20

I'd encourage them to go.

Notreallyarsed · 16/07/2017 09:20

Actually 2 weeks could be good, the first week he can be around more to help them bond with their GPs and get them settled, the second week he can work and the GPs can have them as planned. They won't be able to bond without spending time with them.
I can see that 2 weeks away from your kids will be tough, honestly I can, but I think it would be selfish (that's very harsh but I can't think of another word, I don't mean it so strongly) to deny them this opportunity.

chips4teaplease · 16/07/2017 09:20

They are too young. You are their mother. Your instinct tells you to keep them near you. Do that.

GreenTulips · 16/07/2017 09:22

There are ways of communicating without speaking the language -

I'd be annoyed this was arranged without me - but your DH could've talked to you first and smoothed any fears you may have had - he could've suggest you join them for a few days -

I think he did it badly but that's something to discuss

BallOrAerosol · 16/07/2017 09:22

You say you have a week and a half in August booked for a family holiday. Would this fortnight away impact on that, eg is your DH going to be using up the family funds to pay for this trip, meaning you won't be able to afford to go away together? If so that is not on, that you should miss out with time with your children and then not get a proper family holiday with all of you together.

Also, if they will be away for two weeks in August, will you even be able to fit in the family holiday, without totally overloading the kids- won't they just be coming home from one trip and then literally going on the family holiday? Depends on the kids but mine would find that too much, they need some down time at home after a holiday. Can you compromise and agree on one week only as it will be their first trip away from you?

Parker231 · 16/07/2017 09:23

They will be with your DH so shouldn't be any problem. I am sure you will miss them but they will have a good holiday with their GP.

GnomeDePlume · 16/07/2017 09:26

chips4teaplease the mother is not the most important parent. The DCs will be with one of their parents and building their relationship with their grandparents.

It sounds ideal to me.

PurplePeppers · 16/07/2017 09:27

YABU.
Sorry but this is half of their heritage. This is their grand parents. He will be present (even if he is working).
There is absolutely NO REASON why they can't go there.
I thought you were talking about them going on their own from your title which would have been different.

Fwiw I'm from another country and Ive gone back to my country every year for two weeks since the dcs were born.
I wouldn't want DH to comme because 1- he doesn't speak the language so it makes very hard work both for him and for me
And 2- that means we speak English and the dcs end up not really talking the language.

Your issue there is YOU and the fact you don't want to be on yu R own at home wo the dcs.
I think you need to get over that.

barbarann · 16/07/2017 09:29

Sorry I'm with DH. They're his kids too and this is his family and they'll only get to know them by spending time with them.

I understand your reasons but they're not enough.

ToesInWater · 16/07/2017 09:29

Obviously as their parents the best thing is to come to an agreement that both of you are happy with and it's a shame if you can't work it out between you, but your DH has exactly the same rights as you have re. decision making (and actually what really matters here is your kids' rights to have a relationship with their extended family on both sides) which seems to be what your husband is trying to ensure. Mums don't have more rights than dads with regards your children no matter how much Mumsnetters might think so!

MargotsDevil · 16/07/2017 09:30

As a relative in your in-laws position sorry but YABU. It's so important that your DC are exposed to both cultures as early and frequently as possible. Waiting until they are older is likely to mean that they are more firmly entrenched in being British (am assuming you are in U.K.) and less likely to identify with the other half of their heritage. We try really hard to engage with our nieces for whom English is their second language and yes it can be challenging when we don't understand everything they say - and they have been exposed to English regularly since birth. Imagine how difficult that would be for your DH's family if you wait until the children are say 8/10 before they were immersed in their language/culture. Please give them this opportunity.

Saiman · 16/07/2017 09:30

Yabu. If you really cant stand 2 weeks.

10 day or a week is a compromise.

Saiman · 16/07/2017 09:31

Oh and also dh did this so i have been in your position. First day was hard. Then i actually started enjoying it. It was nice to only have to worry about my own bedtime, my own food etc.

PurplePeppers · 16/07/2017 09:31

Another way to look at it.
During the school hols, my parents have the dcs for the days I'm working. That means 3 or days every week.
They've done that since they were tiny because my parents aren't close enough to be able to have them just for the day and the cost of childcare would make it impossible to me to pay for a CM.
I can promise you that the dcs LOVE it (they get spoiled) and I enjoy days wo stress with getting ready in the am etc etc. A bit of a holiday for me too!

hellsbells99 · 16/07/2017 09:31

YABU as their dad will be with them.
But as it is only Europe, could you not join them for the weekend in the middle?

corythatwas · 16/07/2017 09:31

As the foreign part of our family, I have been taking dc to my country every summer since they were born. If dh could not accept this, then I would think he had seriously failed to understand that for the remaining 50 weeks of the year I am the one that makes all the compromises: not only speaking a foreign language, but adapting to his culture, adapting to his cultural references, laughing at jokes that are specific to his culture, bringing my children up to fit into his culture. A few paltry weeks in the summer is really not to much to recognise that I am half of this couple and my culture and my background matter too.

MrsPringles · 16/07/2017 09:32

YANBU

2 weeks is too young when they're so little. Yes DH will be there but working and won't be actively caring from them.

Agree with pp, maybe compromise on a shorter time there?

AgentProvocateur · 16/07/2017 09:33

YABU. How will your dc ever get to know their grandparents if they don't spend time with them. It's a great opportunity for them, they'll be with a parent, and YABU to block it just because you'll miss them.

lorelairoryemily · 16/07/2017 09:33

I think YABU. If this was the other way round how would you feel? Of course your husband should be allowed to take his children to see his parents

Ragwort · 16/07/2017 09:35

YAB totally U - imagine if it was the other way round, who would even think about commenting if a mother took her children back to her parents and 'home' country?.

So many times men are treated as 'superfluous' to family dynamics and here we have a dad wanting to do a really nice thing for his whole family. Confused.

ragged · 16/07/2017 09:36

2 childfree weeks with people who love them & they get heavy dose of their 2nd language. What's not to Like?

yeah the kids may be uncomfortable at first, but it's good for people to be pushed outside their comfort zones. Is there some reason you actively distrust the ILs?