At wits end over 16 year old son

[OverTheHammer]

I have previously posted about a fight which broke out between violent son and DH. Most of you told me to call the police on him.

It was quiet for a few weeks following that as they just didn't speak to each other. Then Thursday night he went to cinema, didn't home home until gone midnight despite knowing the rules on being home before 11. I repeatedly text him as the clock crept towards 00:00 and just got excuses back. DH refused to go to bed before he got home despite being at work next day. He finally rolled in at 00:10 and instead of going straight to bed, decided he needed a drink and multiple trips to the toilet throughout the night, repeatedly waking DH up. Still he said nothing to him.

Then last night he came home at gone 11pm. At midnight he decided he needed to go outside for a cigerette. Rules are no smoking outside after 11pm so DH said he couldn't go out. DS launched into argument mode and said the rule was bullshit as he'd seen DH and myself out smoking after 11pm. We don't even smoke! So DH explained this only for DS to continue arguing that DH was full of shit etc etc. I woke up, shouted at DS to get to bed and stop being cheeky. DS launched back at me saying that DH is an argumentative wanker who hadn't spoken to him for two weeks and now wanted to "go" with him. To cut a long story short the row continues well past midnight ending in DS storming downstairs and getting in DHs face shouting "you want to go again?" Referring to previous fight night. He also accused DH of "assaulting" him last time which is untrue.

DH walked over to him, told him to get to bed only for DS to shove him into the wall. I lost my shit and stormed over to him, shoved him back and shouted at him to get to bed. DS started squaring up to me before saying "fuck this, I'm off" and stormed out (remember it's past midnight). I text his dad to say he had to go there just for his dad to say "I'm at work" and nothing more.

He came back half hour later and went to bed.

I'm at my wits end. I don't want him living here anymore but he has nowhere to go. What the fuck do I do.

[Cary2012]

You have to step up here OP, and think about what YOU are happy with. Not your partner, but you.

Answer this honestly: If your partner wasn't in the picture, would you be more flexible?

If so, then assert yourself.

I brought up three teens on my own, and I teach, mainly year 11. You would be shocked at some of the stuff I've heard about 16 year olds. You absolutely shouldn't be at your wits end because of staying out past 11 and having a fag in the garden.

The thing here is that your lad sees you siding with a partner against him. He reacts against this. He feels insecure, possibly because he has a poor relationship with his own dad, and will kick against another man setting him boundaries.

You must step up and assert yourself against these two males, who are in competition with each other.

The summer holidays are approaching, and school's already out for most 16 year olds.

I would: Talk to son one-to-one and agree new boundaries, a later curfew, later fag in the garden cut-off, and definitely get him his own key cut. Then tell partner what you have agreed. Reassure son you trust him to stick to the new 'rules' and he needs to respect them.

Ultimately, you're his mum. He needs to see you as strong and assertive, and a person in their own right. He may well respect you more. You need to show partner that you won't be caught in the middle between them, and if you relax the rules he must respect that too.

Right now you are reactive. Be proactive.

[Dukesofhazzard]

Your dh sounds like he just likes to throw his weight around everyone who disagrees or he thinks is in competition to him

DH took four punches to the face from DS last time there was a disagreement and never retaliated. I don't think all the blame should be put on him.

[corythatwas]

"he has a father let him deal with it."

Kigali, from OPs other thread, the bio-father is himself a violent man who has form for physically attacking random strangers for looking at him funny- on at least one occasion the ds has witnessed such an attack. It is extremely unlikely that he would become less violent living with him.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

With a father like this, it isn't surprising he is struggling. I am glad you your ds knows you love him. He sounds very confused. If he also sees your husband being controlling with you, it must be difficult for your ds to see this. First his father, now your current husband. If this is the case, I'm not surprised he's acting out.

[sashh]

I remember your other thread.

Sorry but I don't think your Dh is helping. A stroppy 16 year old not speaking is one thing, an adult who is supposed to be responsible is quite another.

You need to (if he will) sit down with DS and actually write the rules out with reasons. This is the time he can argue his case about whether they are reasonable or not, not when it's midnight.

Don't wait up for him, neither of you. I'd be tempted to lock the door at 11.00 unless he has sent a text explaining that the bus has broken down or something.

Write out the sanctions and stick to them.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

My mother didn't speak to me for a few days when I was this age... and blamed me for not speaking. An adult sending a child to Coventry shows a massive lack of maturity on the part of the adult. My 9 yr old dd is waaay more mature than my mother.