At wits end over 16 year old son

[OverTheHammer]

I have previously posted about a fight which broke out between violent son and DH. Most of you told me to call the police on him.

It was quiet for a few weeks following that as they just didn't speak to each other. Then Thursday night he went to cinema, didn't home home until gone midnight despite knowing the rules on being home before 11. I repeatedly text him as the clock crept towards 00:00 and just got excuses back. DH refused to go to bed before he got home despite being at work next day. He finally rolled in at 00:10 and instead of going straight to bed, decided he needed a drink and multiple trips to the toilet throughout the night, repeatedly waking DH up. Still he said nothing to him.

Then last night he came home at gone 11pm. At midnight he decided he needed to go outside for a cigerette. Rules are no smoking outside after 11pm so DH said he couldn't go out. DS launched into argument mode and said the rule was bullshit as he'd seen DH and myself out smoking after 11pm. We don't even smoke! So DH explained this only for DS to continue arguing that DH was full of shit etc etc. I woke up, shouted at DS to get to bed and stop being cheeky. DS launched back at me saying that DH is an argumentative wanker who hadn't spoken to him for two weeks and now wanted to "go" with him. To cut a long story short the row continues well past midnight ending in DS storming downstairs and getting in DHs face shouting "you want to go again?" Referring to previous fight night. He also accused DH of "assaulting" him last time which is untrue.

DH walked over to him, told him to get to bed only for DS to shove him into the wall. I lost my shit and stormed over to him, shoved him back and shouted at him to get to bed. DS started squaring up to me before saying "fuck this, I'm off" and stormed out (remember it's past midnight). I text his dad to say he had to go there just for his dad to say "I'm at work" and nothing more.

He came back half hour later and went to bed.

I'm at my wits end. I don't want him living here anymore but he has nowhere to go. What the fuck do I do.

[Mmzz]

Why is everyone discussing the OP kicking her son out? That's not what he or she needs to be doing. She is his mother, the only one he's got. She has a to help him find a good path to adulthood, not wash her hands of him when she doesn't find it easy. Its her responsibility as a parent.

This thread should be about ideas on how to help him, not letting him fall into the care of the council.

[sevensisters7242]

Your rules are way too rigid for a 16 year old, I'm not surprised he's kicking off. Especially if his stepdad is the one making them. Lighten up on the poor kid. He's nearly an adult and he's not allowed outside the door at 11pm? Ridiculous.

[Delancy]

I agree with the previous posters who say the DH should back off for now and also to put back the curfew to 12pm.

DS is on the brink of adulthood and could do with more recognition of that and also more reassurance of his value in the family.
Have you told him you love him no matter what?

Try to get DH to make a pledge to him in person to no more arguing or squaring up to him and that you are putting back curfew on smoking and being out til 12pm but in exchange you have needs too, i.e. more respect for your selves and the new rules. If he has a problem with the new rules at any time then you need him to tell you in a calm conversation not by his aggressive behaviour.
And give him lots of love and reassurance.

[TheFirstMrsDV]

If he is lucky ghosty
More likely he will be warehoused in a hostel.
Unless he has someone to advocate for him and point out that isn't legal.
IME anyway.

TBH I can't always blame SS. So many people (and kids) think SS is a shortcut to getting a troublesome teen out of the house and on the housing list.

It makes it really hard when you have a legit case.

[ghostyslovesheets]

sorry just going on what we do here - we wouldn't put our under 18's in a hostel - which means they are scattered throughout the area and beyond but they are all in supervised accommodation

[MoonfaceAndSilky]

Interesting Oliversmumsarmy

Ok so I have a solution OP - Kick your bastard DH out and let the little old bee lady move in - she can sort your DS out, maybe by giving him a little bit of love and respect that he so obviously needs, poor kid

[corythatwas]

"I don't know. That is what asking someone to leave involves - accepting that they won't live under your rules so they need to live under their own rules. Give him the choice."

But telling him to "live under his own rules" without thinking through what those rules might involve, or what the impact might be on wider society, is thinking like a teenager= shortsighted. As an adult, surely you do a bit more thinking before you engage on something that might have longterm repercussions and affect other people?

I absolutely understand why there may be cases where you have to make your under-age children leave home, for instance to protect younger siblings from unprovoked violence or sexual abuse. But if so, you try to do it, surely, as part of a wider plan, with the involvement of the relevant authorities and recognising that this is an absolute last resort?

If he is housed in a hostel, then any calculation needs to take into account the very large risk that he will become involved in crime he would otherwise not have been introduced too- so making life more dangerous for the rest of us (including other teens).

If he is housed in supervised accommodation, then there is the risk that he will be taking a place from someone who did not have a home at all and who will end up on the street.

[Mistigri]

Hard to know from the OP whether there are behavioural issues involved or if it's a relationship issue, but I would agree that you need to consider whether your house rules are too rigid.

A 16 year old is old enough to leave home and live alone - he's not a child. My (just) 16 year old just got back from a holiday with friends (group of 16-17 year olds) and next week she is looking after her 14 year old brother because I am away on a work trip. Young adults need to be treated like young adults not kids.

OTOH people living in a house together need to be considerate of each other, no charging up and down stairs or banging doors while people are sleeping for example.

[TheFirstMrsDV]

You are right Ghosty. They are not supposed to accommodate under 17s in hostel but in areas like mine they will try and if the young person has no one to advocate for them they will get away with it.
Sad to say my experience of supported lodgings is poor too.
Young person went missing, turned up at mine and carer didn't bother to report it.
Phoned me a few days later anxious to 'tell her [carer's] side of the story.
We are talking about a vulnerable 15 year old girl.Non violent. New to care.

I have a lot of respect for FC but this one was in it for the money. She was allowed to work full time whilst being paid for FCing.

[LIZS]

Do you know where he is and the company he keeps? Does he attend school/college and apply himself? Is his behaviour generally within acceptable social norms?

I haven't found recent threads but a few older ones indicate you may have found him hard to handle from a much younger age. What support did you seek and receive? When did your dh come on the scene and have his reactions always been as draconian and their relationship disengaged? It seems as if the family dynamics may be underpinning these extreme behaviours on both sides. Could your ds feel displaced in your life and be forcing you to make a choice?

[corythatwas]

Pengggwn Sat 15-Jul-17 12:29:07
corythatwas

"I don't think it is thinking like a teenager to say you won't accept violence, to give several warnings and then to follow through."

It is if you expect other people to pick up the tab.

It is if you know that a certain form of discipline (starting to shout at once) has led to escalating aggression in the past and still don't explore more efficient ways of getting your message through.

[ghostyslovesheets]

good quality care is hard to find for older kids - it's really frustrating and sad - often they come in a bit confused and troubled and leave in a police van because the lack of supervision, support and care is woeful

[VelvetSpoon]

I read your previous post and thought your DH had behaved badly. That said, I did have some sympathy for your situation and what seemed like an out of control teen.

BUT having read this thread, if these are the petty kind of rules you are making him rigidly stick to, it is no surprise he is kicking against them.

The smoking...having had both my mum and Grandad die of smoking related cancers I've always discouraged my DC from smoking, and if they did, they know I'd be disappointed and annoyed. But you've clearly said smoking is fine. So if it's ok, what's the difference between smoking at 10.55 and 11.05. Why does there have to be a cut off, is it just because you say so?

And the coming in at 12. Why is his curfew 11? Isn't he on school holidays now anyway, so what's the issue? And why the big to do about your DH staying up til he got in? ...your DS came home at midnight not 3am! What's the problem with your DH going to bed at 12, plenty of people do that every day (me included).

[Gemini69]

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt... I 100% agree...

I also fully supported DH in the original thread....

this is all I am going to add... because the OP has taken no steps to resolve the situation since last time... and I don't think she will x

[MoonfaceAndSilky]

Pengggwn you put an awful lot of emphasis on rules, warnings, contracts etc. Ime if you show love and respect to your teenager they don't tend to want to break the rules so much or maybe I've just been lucky with my teens.

Reading the Op other threads it seems clear to me that the problem is her DH not her DS.

[Onhold]

It's not someone else's house. It's his home.

[MoonfaceAndSilky]

who I expect is texting because she is afraid of how angry her husband will be if boy is late

Yep, that's what I thought too