At wits end over 16 year old son

[OverTheHammer]

I have previously posted about a fight which broke out between violent son and DH. Most of you told me to call the police on him.

It was quiet for a few weeks following that as they just didn't speak to each other. Then Thursday night he went to cinema, didn't home home until gone midnight despite knowing the rules on being home before 11. I repeatedly text him as the clock crept towards 00:00 and just got excuses back. DH refused to go to bed before he got home despite being at work next day. He finally rolled in at 00:10 and instead of going straight to bed, decided he needed a drink and multiple trips to the toilet throughout the night, repeatedly waking DH up. Still he said nothing to him.

Then last night he came home at gone 11pm. At midnight he decided he needed to go outside for a cigerette. Rules are no smoking outside after 11pm so DH said he couldn't go out. DS launched into argument mode and said the rule was bullshit as he'd seen DH and myself out smoking after 11pm. We don't even smoke! So DH explained this only for DS to continue arguing that DH was full of shit etc etc. I woke up, shouted at DS to get to bed and stop being cheeky. DS launched back at me saying that DH is an argumentative wanker who hadn't spoken to him for two weeks and now wanted to "go" with him. To cut a long story short the row continues well past midnight ending in DS storming downstairs and getting in DHs face shouting "you want to go again?" Referring to previous fight night. He also accused DH of "assaulting" him last time which is untrue.

DH walked over to him, told him to get to bed only for DS to shove him into the wall. I lost my shit and stormed over to him, shoved him back and shouted at him to get to bed. DS started squaring up to me before saying "fuck this, I'm off" and stormed out (remember it's past midnight). I text his dad to say he had to go there just for his dad to say "I'm at work" and nothing more.

He came back half hour later and went to bed.

I'm at my wits end. I don't want him living here anymore but he has nowhere to go. What the fuck do I do.

[Katiekatie37]

Op hasn't been back since posting anyhow don't think she has any intention of trying to change things. She has chosen her DH over DS and is happy that they ignore each other till it comes to discipline over something so petty as going to the toilet, getting a drink etc. It's very clear your DH wants control but without the good parenting bit and that's not going to work and OP knows that.

[angieloumc]

Your DH has been aggressive to him on a prior occasion and in this latest incident you 'shoved' him too. No wonder he's aggressive himself.

[Groupie123]

I think OP and her DH's stupid house rules are causing the problem. They allow him to smoke but then say he can't do it outside after 11 but then don't explain to him why - which suggests it's just a powertrip. He gets home at midnight which is quite reasonable for a child his age, and apparently OP and DH cause a huge hoohah about it.

All of the evidence suggests OP and her DH don't want her son living with them. I'm willing to bet that if he were OP/DH's blood son the rules would be far more relaxed. The fault here is in the parenting. OP has to wake up and smell the coffee.

[MoonfaceAndSilky]

I am not obligated to house someone who won't show basic respect and who hits people in our family.

That someone is her son ffs, her 16 year old son

[Onhold]

It's a weird way of looking at things. Housing your children. Someone else's house. Do people really think like that about their kids?

[VelvetSpoon]

Well that thread about the DH was illuminating. What a massive prick he sounds.

OP, you have a DH problem. Kick him out, and get rid of your silly rules (which I bet were set by the DH...) and I'm willing to bet your DS behaviour improves dramatically. Don't be one of those pathetic women who puts an (inadequate) man before their kids.

[Onhold]

What if the reason they are acting like that is because of you? Because I think you might find that out the hard way.

[Onhold]

So if your DH was the cause of the conflict,would you still draw your line and kick your 16 year old out because he didn't follow your rules in your house?

[MoonfaceAndSilky]

OP, in your other thread you describe your DH as 'a wrong un' so I think you have your answer right there.

[Katiekatie37]

And actually credit to him you pushed him he left the house to calm down as opposed to pushing you back.

[Katiekatie37]

And DH "walking up to him" clearly equates to squaring up to him. So whose the violent one

[Shockers]

I agree with a pp who talked about giving him more adult expectations and letting him live up to them, instead of locking horns over rules.

Sit down with him and ask what time he feels he should be home. Remind him that there will be things he needs to achieve during the week, which really late nights would affect, then perhaps set a later time at weekends.

Yes to praise when he lets you know where he is and whether he's running late too.

[TheWitchAndTrevor]

Pengggwn

Onhold

If my DH was the source of the conflict I would do exactly as I would do if my DS was the source: try to deal with it through reasoned discussion, set ground rules, give fair warning and then ask him to leave

But that's not what OP is doing, is it. The DH seems to be source, DS is responding/reacting too and emulating her DH behaviour.

[Katiekatie37]

If your shouting at each other walking over, invading personal space having previously had physical fights is like a red rag to a bull.