At wits end over 16 year old son

[OverTheHammer]

I have previously posted about a fight which broke out between violent son and DH. Most of you told me to call the police on him.

It was quiet for a few weeks following that as they just didn't speak to each other. Then Thursday night he went to cinema, didn't home home until gone midnight despite knowing the rules on being home before 11. I repeatedly text him as the clock crept towards 00:00 and just got excuses back. DH refused to go to bed before he got home despite being at work next day. He finally rolled in at 00:10 and instead of going straight to bed, decided he needed a drink and multiple trips to the toilet throughout the night, repeatedly waking DH up. Still he said nothing to him.

Then last night he came home at gone 11pm. At midnight he decided he needed to go outside for a cigerette. Rules are no smoking outside after 11pm so DH said he couldn't go out. DS launched into argument mode and said the rule was bullshit as he'd seen DH and myself out smoking after 11pm. We don't even smoke! So DH explained this only for DS to continue arguing that DH was full of shit etc etc. I woke up, shouted at DS to get to bed and stop being cheeky. DS launched back at me saying that DH is an argumentative wanker who hadn't spoken to him for two weeks and now wanted to "go" with him. To cut a long story short the row continues well past midnight ending in DS storming downstairs and getting in DHs face shouting "you want to go again?" Referring to previous fight night. He also accused DH of "assaulting" him last time which is untrue.

DH walked over to him, told him to get to bed only for DS to shove him into the wall. I lost my shit and stormed over to him, shoved him back and shouted at him to get to bed. DS started squaring up to me before saying "fuck this, I'm off" and stormed out (remember it's past midnight). I text his dad to say he had to go there just for his dad to say "I'm at work" and nothing more.

He came back half hour later and went to bed.

I'm at my wits end. I don't want him living here anymore but he has nowhere to go. What the fuck do I do.

[Saiman]

Will his dad take him full time?

Its not like his dad would have to give up work?

Will your ds accept some help? So you can figure out what the problem is?

I am going to assume the last few nights of coming in late is him trying to prompt an argument. Is it a case of negative attention is better than no attention?

[endofthelinefinally]

Go somewhere neutral and talk with him, without your DH there.

Clearly the relationship between your DS and your DH is poor. There must be a back story involving the split from your DS's father and living arrangements etc since.

What is your DS's relationship with his dad like?

[BarbarianMum]

Only give him money, phone credit etc if his behaviour warrents it.
Call the police if he's violent.
And you deal with him, not your dh, because he's not helping here. He needs to be polite (or at least not rude) to your dh and vice versa but other than that they need to leave each other alone.

[endofthelinefinally]

What is his friendship group like?
Is it based on alcohol? Drugs?
How is his behaviour at school?

[Fl0ellafunbags]

I'd send him to his Dad, see how much greener the grass is there.

[ghostyslovesheets]

honestly though I'd have let him go out for a fag - was it worth the argument?

You can sanction him in the morning - phone credit refused, WIFI off etc but I would not have started a row at midnight - he's pushing your buttons and you are both rising to it

Teens are hard work at times - mine gave me a mouthful last night because it was almost 11 and I wanted to relax before bed and she wanted to jibber on about her mates new hair etc etc - she called me a rubbish mum and various expletives and stomped off to bed - I left it because who wants a huge fight at that time - she's apologised this morning - all sorted

If you don't want him there kick him out - but I'd also be trying to work out solutions for him to stay - starting with the adults being a bit more adult?

[Notevilstepmother]

I think if you are having him back you need to decide which rules are important and which can be negotiated.

To avoid crisis point it's well worth picking your battles, and not bothering fighting them all.

I think your DH needs to step back from the situation and learn to ignore your son, your son is winding him up and succeeding quite well.

Personally I'd change the curfew to 12 and praise your son for answering your text messages. Ignore your DH if he says that praise isn't deserved. Teenagers are like dogs, you praise the behaviour you want to encourage and ignore the bad behaviour unless it's dangerous.

Likewise, if he wants a smoke at midnight, as long as he is quiet and locks the door afterwards, who cares? You are making life difficult for yourself trying to enforce pointless rules.

Have a chat with your son, tell him you are trying to treat him more like an adult, with these changes, and in return you need him to act like an adult, keep the noise down at night, if he is getting a drink or going to the loo he needs to be quiet. If he is in after 11 he needs to creep about and not wake people up.

Equally your DH needs to be a bit more adult. If he has work in the morning he should have gone to bed instead of staying up and winding himself up for an argument. It does sound to me like your DH is winding your son up.

[Onhold]

I think you need to learn to compromise. He is 16 and he's you going to kick back at such rigid rules.

[TheWitchAndTrevor]

DS launched back at me saying that DH is an argumentative wanker

Sorry I agree with your DS.

So he comes in late (not unusual for a teen) but the you expect him to not get a drink, go to the loo, sort of get ready for bed stuff.

He's 16. Ok he smokes( not ideal) but why is he not allowed outside after 11 for a cig?

You both sound ridiculously stricked on petty stuff.

[goose1964]

think your son needs anger management could your GP help?

[ineedamoreadultieradult]

I don't know the whole back story and I understand coming home late is not on and he needs to be spoken to about this but I think your DH was unnecessarily inflammatory not letting him go outside for a smoke. I don't really understand why smoking outside at 11 is ok but not after midnight? He's by himself so not.going to be talking and disturbing the neighbours. If he smokes regularly he might have needed one before bed and denying him will have just wound him up. I'm surprised he didn't just go upstairs and smoke out of his window to be honest. Obviously his violent behaviour in uncalled for by there is obviously something going on and not picking over (in my opinion) daft house rules isn't helping anybody.

[Katiekatie37]

He's 16, a young adult I think 11pm is a bit early. Then your complaining that he's not going straight to bed it's a bit controlling. Once he's in you know he's safe so surely you can just leave him to it, if he wants a drink , the toilet etc what's the issue? You shouldn't be shouting st him to get back to bed, how would you react if your DH told you to get back to bed if you dared to be awake past midnight? As for your DH very childish ignoring your son for 2 weeks .

[Onhold]

It is his house. Petty house rules for the sake of them is bound to cause friction.

Pick your battles.

[TheWitchAndTrevor]

Because it's anti-social? Neighbours trying to sleep will be able to smell it?

so no adult ever is allowed to smoke in their garden after 11? Not even down the end of the garden?

[CodLiverOil556]

I have to disagree with PP that day he's a young adult...he's not, he's 16 and that is still a child. I would tell him he shapes up or ships out, I would not having any kid stomping all over my rules in my house.

[Onhold]

His behaviour is understandable to a degree if the house rules are only there to control his behaviour.

Anyone with teens wiill know that compromise works better than control.

[Onhold]

Posters telling the OP to throw out a 16 year old are disgusting.

[endofthelinefinally]

He sounds very troubled, with anger issues.
Not excusing his behaviour at all, but it does sound as if you and your DH resent him and don't want him around. You say his dad doesn't want him either. That must be pretty difficult.
16 is a difficult age, even in the most loving and harmonious family.
Is there anywhere/anyone else he could go to?

[Katiekatie37]

His behaviour might be disgusting but OP isn't going about it the right way. Ignoring issues then jumping on him over trivial things is asking for conflict.