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AIBU?

Is DPs ex taking the piss?

215 replies

Dukesofhazzard · 14/07/2017 23:12

So DP had arranged with his ex to get kids tomorrow at 2pm. The reason he said this time is because he's working night-shift til 10.00am and he needs to get a few hours sleep before he gets them. It wasn't arranged that he was having them but she asked and he said the above was the earliest he could take them.

I have plans tomorrow so I couldn't help her out as I have sometimes in the past if he's just came off a night-shift. Anyway, she text him tonight at work and said that the 'people' she had watching the kids up til 2pm can't do it anymore and she would just drop them at our house 10.30am. I have arrangements already made for tomorrow morning, leaving the house at 11am. So DP will have to look after the kids after a 14 hour shift and no sleep. I know he'll just fall asleep on the couch and kids will be left to their own devices. DC are 10 and 7 but 7 year old has SN and needs supervision.

She has a history of arranging things and changing them at the last minute and it's too late to do anything about it. I feel really annoyed that I have to change my plans for her, especially as I don't believe she had morning cover arranged and arranged this knowing she'd change it at the last minute. If I don't do this DP gets no sleep and she won't have child-care while she's at work. AIBU to be really pissed off?

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Nearly10to9 · 15/07/2017 17:49

dont worry at all Dukes - its all a bit shit really isnt it! and its NOT YOUR FAULT! - sorry for sounding mean (as you reacted to me)

you can do this!! be strong, stay united, let the dc be with you and dh as much as you can - let them feel loved and wanted....

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Dukesofhazzard · 15/07/2017 17:54

I would hate to make the decision, (as i dont know if there is a right one) i dont think i could leave a child being neglected. If she doesnt want them, can you not just have them more? surely she would like that?

She has already said no to DP having custody. I think deep down she would like it if we had them but she's too worried about what other people would think of her, anyway, she just gives them to her parents most of the time so she doesn't really have to care for them. Her parents definitely don't neglect the kids, they're well looked after.They live in another town also, 2 hour round trip and she refuses to meet DP halfway so we would definitely have them more if she would agree to do some of the driving. She did meet DP today but that's quite unusual.

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Dukesofhazzard · 15/07/2017 18:02

RandomMess
I should have known, I've seen enough SM bashing on here that I should've known that I was being incredibly selfish.

Thank you kind people for your messages.

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Lottie991 · 15/07/2017 18:06

Unless its a matter of urgency i.e a poorly relative etc.. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. If its her scheduled time and he has just worked a 14 hr shift it sounds like she's being really unfair.
I agree with PP that perhaps a more formal arrangement needs to be made regarding the children if this is a regular occurrence.

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CherryChasingDotMuncher · 15/07/2017 18:14

OP any step parent who starts a MN thread gets the mother of all flamings regardless of what they're saying. Ignore the ridiculous comments suggesting that he's lucky to see them (WTF) or a shit dad.

Don't change your plans. Get him to text saying he can only do 2pm. If she arrives earlier tell her sorry but your DP is asleep so and you're about to go out

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CherryChasingDotMuncher · 15/07/2017 18:16

Also to everyone saying they should get a court order - why? OP and her DP are otherwise happy with the arrangements and surely it's better not to put 2 children through that unnecessary pain of potentially being parted from a perfectly good mother.

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Dukesofhazzard · 15/07/2017 18:30

a perfectly good mother

I wouldn't go that far, they've got amazing grandparents though. We can't have the kids as 1 of them isn't DPs, it wouldn't be fair to separate them.

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Lottie991 · 15/07/2017 18:35

I said about making a more formal arrangement if this was a regular occurrence cherry as I think regular contact where people know where they are works better for children and adults to have a routine, That scenario doesn't always have to end in court and can be sorted through mediation.
I agree with everything else you have said though Cherry, Unfortunately step parents do always get flamed on here.

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Willyoujustbequiet · 15/07/2017 18:50

She's not his birth mother for crying out loud. She's his mum - and the resident parent to boot. Calling her the birth mum implies someone else looks after her dc. They don't. She does the vast majority of the parenting.

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phoenixtherabbit · 15/07/2017 19:03

to everyone saying they should get a court order - why? OP and her DP are otherwise happy with the arrangements and surely it's better not to put 2 children through that unnecessary pain of potentially being parted from a perfectly good mother.

To prevent things like this happening. And to stop the last minute arranging and have a routine. It helps. When people stick to it anyway. Obviously things can change with notice and agreement from both parties but it stops one party taking the piss out the other.

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phoenixtherabbit · 15/07/2017 19:04

And birth mother is just a turn of phrase to make everything clearer it's not usually meant with any animosity and I'd guess in this case that's true.

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RandomMess · 15/07/2017 19:31

Hmmm "she is the resident parent... she does the vast majority of the parenting"

Only she doesn't does she, discount when the DC are asleep or at school and they spend they majority of their time with the grandparents, a good chunk with their Dad/Step Dad and very little waking time with their Mum.

The Birth Mum comment was in reference to the ridiculous MN bias that means Birth Mum Rights over child needs on a regular basis. Birth Mum's right to breast feed, stay at home and so on to the fact that at an adoptive mother, or step mother who does the vast majority of the parenting is seen as lesser due to the lack of biological connection.

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antwaki · 15/07/2017 19:44

Yeah perhaps she is taking the piss. But in my view doesn't really matter as kids need taking care of and they have 3 adults in their life and it sounds like maybe you are the only one free to do so? Totally get how annoying it might be to change plans etc but in the long term (and if you are in it for the longer term with DP) building a good relationship with his kids is important. So showing flexibility now might be something you are glad you did further down the line. Just a thought. In similar scenario with exP and his new wife - she did not make much proactive effort with our DD and now relationship is poor and have affected DD's desire to go to their home and see her dad. Makes me feel kinda sad for exP and new wife . As a 'single' parent when DD was younger I was ill and not coping and went though a period of last minute changing to arrangements and exP and wife didn't really step up much. So yeah she is likely being unreasonable but I'd would help out as the kids are important to your DP.

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Dukesofhazzard · 15/07/2017 21:25

She does the vast majority of the parenting
She really, really doesn't.

antwaki
I have a great relationship with the DC, My DC(previous relationship) also get on brilliantly with them, best friends kind of thing so there's no worries there. It's not the looking after them or helping out that annoyed me, it's purely the switching plans at the last minute when she knows it's too late to do anything about it, it's impacting on our lives.

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phoenixtherabbit · 15/07/2017 22:41

So showing flexibility now might be something you are glad you did further down the line

I would bet my last pound you won't. You might if the mother was reasonable.

I showed flexibility early on and have had the absolute piss taken out of me ever since. Going out on piss and dp already has plans or is at work next morning? No bother Phoenix will be there. Can't do school pick up? No problem Phoenix can do it even though she's only just passed her test no idea where she's going and has a three week old baby in tow. Elder child wants to go out somewhere age inappropriate for ss? Ah it's fine cos Phoenix will be in.

A lot of times I never even got a phone call ss would just get dropped off. Or dp would get a text saying somethinh like "oh sorry I'm out with friends and can't pick up ss from xxxxx club after school but since Phoenix is on maternity leave she can do it and you can drop ss off tonught"

And like the mug nice person I am I did it. Every single time. Not for his useless mother I may add but for ss and dp. I have have been exploited really.

Don't show your flexibility to someone who will manipulate it and use it against you. Because the first time you can't or don't do something all hell usually breaks loose bitter experience

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Dukesofhazzard · 15/07/2017 23:51

phoenixtherabbit

Bloody hell, I am raging on your behalf. She put all that onto you and you with a newborn? Selfish bint. Have you managed to change told her to fuck off the situation or is she still using you?

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Willyoujustbequiet · 16/07/2017 01:55

of course she does all the parenting - your dp has them 2 weekends a month. How she juggles her childcare as the RP is up to her.

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Dukesofhazzard · 16/07/2017 02:33

@Willyoujustbequiet

How would you know what she does? 'all the parenting'? She really doesn't. She was asked to give full responsibility for the DC to DP and she refused. He works EOW so how can he have them every weekend. He also has them during the week(you didn't mention that). Did you not read any of my posts about how she has spent years not looking after her DC, to the extent that her parents more or less have them full-time bar a couple of nights a week.

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Willyoujustbequiet · 16/07/2017 02:46

Because you said he only has them every other weekend. That's 4 nights a month. So what if he works plenty of resident parents work and yet still manage to have their kids.

And by default you saying her parents have them virtually full time it goes to show that the mum/and her family do virtually all the parenting and not your dp.

You can't have it both ways.

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phoenixtherabbit · 16/07/2017 10:23

dukes She's very selfish. Situation has changed because now ss lives here and she sees him twice a week when she's not out on the piss so she has less opportunity now but she basically does what she likes. All hell broke loose yesterday because she started mouthing off over nothing.

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user1483208776 · 16/07/2017 12:12

this place shouldn't be called mums net - by parents for parents

it should be womens net - by birth mothers, against men, stepmothers and mother in laws

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Lelloteddy · 16/07/2017 12:30

User here's some vinegar for that massive chip you have.

The poor diddums was asked to get out of his bed a few hours earlier than he wanted to. In order to care for HIS children. The children that he currently cares for 4 days a month. OP if you post on step parenting hon you'll get loads of other hons telling you that you're absolutely justified hon and you should do everything in your power to continue the conflict and aggravation that is probably already having a negative effect on these children.

OR the lazy git could get out of his bloody bed and do what millions of other parents do every day ( I.e PARENT his children)

And before User starts frothing at the mouth I say that as a step mother The harshest critics of shitty step parenting are usually step parents themselves. The emotionally mature type who recognise how hard a job it is but who know that just sometimes you have to put your own baggage to one side and do what's right for the children.

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RandomMess · 16/07/2017 12:57

Only one of them being his child, the child he'd like to have full time but she refuses despite only caring for them twice a week...

I'm not a step parent but it's clear the mum in this situation doesn't want to do the caring, she's not making the most of a bad situation she's just handed over to her parents. Mistake the Dad made was in thinking she'd step up after he left.

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user1483208776 · 16/07/2017 13:07

i'll try to say this without frothing but if you bothered to read the thread before posting you would have seen that only one child is his, sorry HIS. The SN child which needs constant supervision and which the OPs other half needs to be awake for isn't his (or HIS) , he just looks after the child anyway.

but hey, why bother reading the thread? just comment anyway...

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MrsFassy · 16/07/2017 13:12

Lello have you actually read the thread? It's hardly a case of the dad being a "lazy git" who doesn't want to get out of bed! He worked a 14 hour night shift and wanted a few hours sleep before taking care of the DC, one of whom isn't biologically his. This is sensible surely? With a SN child who needs supervision, the dad not having any sleep is a bit of a safety issue. What if he nodded off and the DC hurt themselves? Those few hours sleep he wanted were not an unreasonable request in any way. He wasn't refusing to have the kids, he just wanted a few hours sleep so he could care for them properly.

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