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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DPs ex taking the piss?

215 replies

Dukesofhazzard · 14/07/2017 23:12

So DP had arranged with his ex to get kids tomorrow at 2pm. The reason he said this time is because he's working night-shift til 10.00am and he needs to get a few hours sleep before he gets them. It wasn't arranged that he was having them but she asked and he said the above was the earliest he could take them.

I have plans tomorrow so I couldn't help her out as I have sometimes in the past if he's just came off a night-shift. Anyway, she text him tonight at work and said that the 'people' she had watching the kids up til 2pm can't do it anymore and she would just drop them at our house 10.30am. I have arrangements already made for tomorrow morning, leaving the house at 11am. So DP will have to look after the kids after a 14 hour shift and no sleep. I know he'll just fall asleep on the couch and kids will be left to their own devices. DC are 10 and 7 but 7 year old has SN and needs supervision.

She has a history of arranging things and changing them at the last minute and it's too late to do anything about it. I feel really annoyed that I have to change my plans for her, especially as I don't believe she had morning cover arranged and arranged this knowing she'd change it at the last minute. If I don't do this DP gets no sleep and she won't have child-care while she's at work. AIBU to be really pissed off?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dukesofhazzard · 16/07/2017 21:02
  • awwww hon did you MISS the bit where I mentioned being a stepmum? Or does it just not suit your agenda?

If you're with a guy who adopts the opt in/opt out method of parenting, here's hoping the same rules won't apply to your kids*

Confused Right.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dukesofhazzard · 16/07/2017 21:03

^You can still be a bitter ex AND a step-mum.

OP posts:
AlongcameMolly · 16/07/2017 21:37

Op

What would happen if his dc stayed at your home overnight but was sick and kept your dp awake all night?

Would he handle it (bearing in mind he's had no sleep from the previous day) or would he take him home to his ex so that he could get some rest?

When you're a parent, unexpected things crop up and whilst it may upset the 'applecart',.it's the way it is.

As a single parent, I've had MANY a sleepless night, sometimes two, but I just got on with it, as most parents do

Original poster
Dukesofhazzard · 16/07/2017 22:01

AlongcameMolly

I'm also a parent with my own DC, don't be so patronising. His kids stay overnight and longer and have done so many, many times. We both know about sleepless nights with kids. He was also basically a single parent when he raised his DC and HER dc on his own for years, he had plenty of sleepless nights with no help.

OP posts:
phoenixtherabbit · 16/07/2017 22:16

When you're a parent, unexpected things crop up and whilst it may upset the 'applecart',.it's the way it is.

It's slightly different when you're apart though isn't it. It's her day - childcare is her responsibility. If she's busy sure ask the other parent First, but if they're unavailable it's tough really. She could have asked another family member or a baby sitter. It would be entirely different if it was an emergency. It clearly isn't as she's told op and dh in advance.

This is why people have court orders and why they should be stuck to it makes things so much easier when days are set. There's nothing to say you can't change them in advance obviously, but it stops last minute issues like this.

LogicalPsycho · 16/07/2017 22:31

Some mothers are selfish.
You don't instantly have permanent residency in the right, just because you have permanent residency of the children.

But you'll be hard pressed to find impartiality towards the NRP here, particularly in AIBU, due to the fact you aren't on StepMumsnet.

phoenixtherabbit · 16/07/2017 22:34

Not all rps are good parents and not all nrps are shit ones. It would do everyone good to take that into consideration.

Oswin · 16/07/2017 22:57

Ahhh I hate the term bitter exs. It's used against women so much when mostly it's just mothers thinking fathers should actually take half responsibility for the dc.

Op your exs partners would probably describe you as bitter too, think on with the language you use.

It would be fucking unacceptable if I constantly referred to posters here as nasty stepmothers.

Fwiw I think you are right if she is just being difficult. If it's for work and an emergency it's one thing but if she's just being a knob that's another.

Can you start having them more overnights in the week as well as eow.
Provide them with stability. Don't present it as changing residency more to help her with work.

AlongcameMolly · 16/07/2017 23:03

Op
Why did you post in AIBU if you jump on everyone who hasn't gave you the answers you want?

His ex obviously intended to have other child care arrangements but was let down, hence her asking the father to look after his children. I understand he needed sleep, however, in the grand scheme of things its best for both parents to try and help each other out when needed

user1483617032 · 16/07/2017 23:15

It depends on the reason she needed him to have them. To go to work then yes he is expected to have them no matter what. Social plans then she should notify those that she will be running late or can't attend. I wouldn't expect my sons dad to have my son after a long shift so i could socialise.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 16/07/2017 23:23

Why is such a big deal being made about one kid not being his?

Placing yourself in a serious parental role for a kid that you keep up if you break up with a parent is not medal worthy behaviour it's basic decency

Fruitcorner123 · 16/07/2017 23:31

If his ex had an emergency situation then of course it would be ok for her to expect his help but the implication is that she is doing something she has had planned for a while on a weekend the kids are supposed to be with her and now her babysitter has fallen through- well that's just tough isn't it? She will have to cancel her plans.

This is not gender or resident parent specific, it's just that ALL decent parents sometimes have to miss something socially because childcare falls through. The OP's DP would have to miss his social plans if childcare fell through on his weekend and his ex was working. Why is this different.

I can imagine a reverse thread now along the lines of a female saying "ex just dumped kids on me because he has plans on his weekend with them and I've had no sleep as been working a night shift..." I think the responses would be so different.

user1483617032 · 16/07/2017 23:34

If he has decided to bring her child up as his own then he is a great man especially if the child calls him dad. A friend's ex partner fought tooth and nail in court to have joint custody to his ex's daughter he had brought up since she was a year old.

LDN17 · 16/07/2017 23:39

I can't help but think that if the tables were turned and the op's dp took the children to their mum earlier than planned, the answers would be very different.

MammaTJ · 16/07/2017 23:49

I have worked nights.

I have been a step mum.

I have had a child who had a step father and a step mum.

This is shit!! She is so out of order, she is nowhere near in order.

He should have been allowed to sleep, as arranged, before having the kids.

I just hope you guys make them feel loved and wanted when they are with you, as it sounds like you and your DP are all they have.

MistressDeeCee · 16/07/2017 23:57

Yes OP thanks for the breakdown re his mother sisters etc etc etc whoever else all talking about his ex to you. I cant understand why anyone would want to listen to so much convo about their partners ex anyway. Or why if she's so monstrous the DCs have been left with her. Onesided stories are just that. Aside from that - if he's agreed to look after his DCs then its a done deal. Won't be the 1st or last time. If he wants things changed he'll sort it.

Original poster
Dukesofhazzard · 17/07/2017 00:01

Ahhh I hate the term bitter exs. It's used against women so much when mostly it's just mothers thinking fathers should actually take half responsibility for the dc

No sorry, I'm not having that. I have an ex who takes zero responsibility, doesn't see our DC or pay any maintenance...I would never speak to anyone the way some people have spoken to me on this thread.

Can you start having them more overnights in the week as well as eow*
Yes we would/could and have asked his ex to drive halfway to meet(they live an hour drive away) and she refused. It would make it a four hour round trip for DP.

Why did you post in AIBU if you jump on everyone who hasn't gave you the answers you want?

Nope not everyone, just the cheeky/bitter/patronising/clueless ones.
I haven't 'jumped' on anyone who said YABU with a reasonable post.

Why is such a big deal being made about one kid not being his?
Placing yourself in a serious parental role for a kid that you keep up if you break up with a parent is not medal worthy behaviour it's basic decency

Well I think to give a child- a dad, another set of grandparents,aunts, uncles, cousins, step-siblings when they would otherwise have lived a life watching their own sibling have a completely different life which they would've been excluded from, wave them goodbye on the doorstep when they're off to dads for the weekend is something to be admired, not criticised.....But unbelievably, on Mumsnet it isConfused

OP posts:
Original poster
Dukesofhazzard · 17/07/2017 00:04

user1483617032
He sounds like a good 'un.

MistressDeeCee
Bitter much?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dukesofhazzard · 17/07/2017 00:15

Tonight we asked to keep DC an extra night and we were told no. DP asked her to meet him halfway tomorrow night and he can then go on to work, she said no. I look forward to the replies that this was somehow our fault and DP is a useless, lazy bastard and I'm a liarGrin

OP posts:
AlongcameMolly · 17/07/2017 00:17

Op

The only one coming across as bitter is YOU.

I think you are focussing on this one incident so that you can slate the ex as much as possible. You sound like you're just plain and simple jealous of her.

LogicalPsycho · 17/07/2017 00:23

I'm a Mum & a StepMum, DH is both a Dad here, a DSDad, and the NRP to his DS. Honestly OP, I've seen all sides of this so please do listen without jumping on me too.

My advice is to pick your battles. Is this one really worth it?

Is your DP really incapable of pulling a 24hr shift to ensure the safety of his own children, one having SEN? For one day?
If that was my DH I'm sure he could manage.
But if he really couldn't due to the nature of physically demanding work, I'd willingly alter my own plans so that I could help him out with DSS, and ensure his DCs safety.
Because I love him, and because that is DH's child!
And sometimes life is unpredictable, and fucking infuriating when it comes to plans falling through.
My own XP let me down many times. But DH would never have left me to struggle alone with my DS and compromise his safety, because he was bitter about my XP ruining his day.

Why would you leave your DH struggling, if he really will be that tired?
From here, it sounds like you simply don't want to help the person you love, because it would have the side effect of benefitting his XP. That isn't healthy.

You mentioned his family all back you up, that his XP is an unreliable, part-time selfish, piss taking parent.
But you still chose to be with him despite knowing that!
So surely you went into this with open eyes, and didn't expect it to be all easy? You obviously thought he was worth it.
And his DCs don't deserve to suffer, nor should they be made to.

As for mentioning his stepson as "HER child", clearly he doesn't see it that way, or he simply wouldn't have maintained contact with him. They are his children. He clearly cares for them both, or he'd take the hard line and only have contact with the one who is biologically 'his'. Think carefully whether this is for you.
Because when it comes down to it, if you try and make obstacles, it will be you shown the door, not them.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/07/2017 02:11

God. Try reading ALL the OP's posts. She DID come home early to help out her DP, who she loves and cares about, because he needed her.

Jeez.

As for "jealous" - whatever the fuck would the OP be jealous about?!

AlongcameMolly · 17/07/2017 08:13

Thumb
The Op sounds jealous as she constantly pulls dp's ex to bits. Maybe she doesn't like the fact that this woman shares a child with her dp, and doesn't like it that her dp also looks after his ex's other child. Surely even you can see she sounds extremely bitter about her?

Incidentally, one minute we''re told that the ex wouldn't come home at night's to allow him to go to work (which resulted in him losing his job) and the next we're told that she'd piss off and leave him to look after the dc when he'd been working all night. Which is it to be?

One more thing, if he looked after his dc for three years all day after finishing a night shift, then why couldn't he manage it this particular day?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/07/2017 08:19

What the fuck do you mean, "even you"? Are you implying I'm thick or something? Hmm

AlongcameMolly · 17/07/2017 08:31

No not thick thumb ...... just foul mouthed.