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AIBU?

Is DPs ex taking the piss?

215 replies

Dukesofhazzard · 14/07/2017 23:12

So DP had arranged with his ex to get kids tomorrow at 2pm. The reason he said this time is because he's working night-shift til 10.00am and he needs to get a few hours sleep before he gets them. It wasn't arranged that he was having them but she asked and he said the above was the earliest he could take them.

I have plans tomorrow so I couldn't help her out as I have sometimes in the past if he's just came off a night-shift. Anyway, she text him tonight at work and said that the 'people' she had watching the kids up til 2pm can't do it anymore and she would just drop them at our house 10.30am. I have arrangements already made for tomorrow morning, leaving the house at 11am. So DP will have to look after the kids after a 14 hour shift and no sleep. I know he'll just fall asleep on the couch and kids will be left to their own devices. DC are 10 and 7 but 7 year old has SN and needs supervision.

She has a history of arranging things and changing them at the last minute and it's too late to do anything about it. I feel really annoyed that I have to change my plans for her, especially as I don't believe she had morning cover arranged and arranged this knowing she'd change it at the last minute. If I don't do this DP gets no sleep and she won't have child-care while she's at work. AIBU to be really pissed off?

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Jaxhog · 15/07/2017 12:19

If they don't have a formal agreement as to who has them when, then your DP needs to go to court and get this sorted. Then they will each have clear expectations set which should help avoid this situation. If his ex can't stick to this at least most of the time, then he needs to go to court again and file for custody.

In the situation of this weekend, your DP needs to grow some and sort this out with his ex himself. Only he can ask you to rearrange your plans - not his ex.

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swingofthings · 15/07/2017 12:46

Surely it all comes down to her reasons for the request in the first place? There's a bit difference between doing her a favour because she's got to go to a training course that is a requirement for her job and was told at the last minute and asking because she's been invited to a spa day out with a friend.

If her reasons were unreasonable, he should have said no from the start. If her reasons are reasonable, then however demanding it will be, it's fair enough that he should look after them, even if he'll be doing so fighting sleep. You should get on with your plans as normal.

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Dukesofhazzard · 15/07/2017 13:08

MistressDeeCee Where was she..sitting at home with her feet up and not working + not doing childcare? Or out working days whilst he worked nights?

No she worked part-time and would then go to the pub/friends houses or out for dinner and not come home. There were times she wouldn't come home in the evening to let DP go to work, he was sacked from one job because of this, this is when he left.

Then again there is always a story about how the ex wife is a truly awful person, terrible, lazy, a crap parent

Yes his mother sisters must be liars as well and all the friends she lost must be lying and making this shit up. I must have imagined all the things she's done over the years that I witnessed myself.

& he could have said he'd be out until afternoon, couldn't he.

So hang on - it isn't actually your DH's weekend to have the children, the ex asked him as a favour and he said yes?

Yes it wasn't his weekend, he agreed to help out after some sleep but she changed it at the last minute when it was too late to even speak to her about it, DP was in work.

Thank you all for the replies. I went ahead with my plans but came home earlier than I had planned to so DP can get some sleep.

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SkyblueAnnie · 15/07/2017 13:13

I've been the step mum expected to provide childcare for dsc and I'm now the batshit crazy ex wife so I can see both sides 😉

I think changing the plans at such short notice is unreasonable so she's either a pisstaker or desperate.

If she was meeting a friend for coffee I would say YANBU.

As you say she had to work and ' says' she has been let down I am inclined to say YABU. Your DP won't be the first parent in history to have to look after their kids with very little sleep.

If the 7 year old's SEN means they need constant supervision I imagine it might be quite hard to get a suitable babysitter.

I think it's reasonable to expect a degree of certainty around when you will have the kids but I do find it a bit odd when it's seen as a 'favour' when they have their own kids so the other parent can work. Presumably her having the kids the rest of the time allows your DP to work?

If it happens all the time I would agree that you need to set clearer boundaries but if it's a rare occasion that cannot be avoided it's just part of parenting

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Dukesofhazzard · 15/07/2017 13:20

Presumably her having the kids the rest of the time allows your DP to work?

She doesn't have the kids the rest of the time. She dumps them with her parents usually when DP doesn't have them. She would never ever change her plans if DP told her he needed a 'favour', that's the maddening part. We've both changed our plans today(again), it's not appreciated or would ever be reciprocated.

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AnneBiscuit · 15/07/2017 13:50

On the face of it I wouldn't say you're being unreasonable but I did wonder if there's a bit of double standards going on when you said When he's not working he usually gets them Friday after school

If this means that when he's working he expects his ex to automatically have them then, to be fair, she should be able to do the same.

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SkyblueAnnie · 15/07/2017 14:09

How often does your DP actually have the kids OP? I've got the impression from your previous posts that it's not that much so that may be colouring my view a little.

If he's only having them for a couple of overnights a month and one afternoon a week I could understand why she might need the support from her parents that she isn't getting from their other parent. I could also understand why she might be less than accommodating about doing him any favours and not feel bad about making him step in to do his share.

If I've misunderstood and your DP has them much more than this and she really is leaving them with her parents all the time then surely your DP would be seeking advice about gaining residence

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Dukesofhazzard · 15/07/2017 14:14

I could also understand why she might be less than accommodating about doing him any favours and not feel bad about making him step in to do his share.

Yet he's taking her other son every time he has his own DC. If anyone should be doing favours, it's her.

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Dukesofhazzard · 15/07/2017 14:17

How often does your DP actually have the kids OP?

He works 2 weekends out of 4, so every weekend he's not working we have them to stay and he sees them during the week after school. We have them to stay during school holidays as well.

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GreenTulips · 15/07/2017 14:30

I'm assuming that as it's not his weekend and she regularly puts the kids on her parents whether they've said no - so trying to make her responsible? Maybe they're fed up with it?

He could've said no - he didn't - he needs to look after himself otherwise he won't beable to look after the kids

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Nearly10to9 · 15/07/2017 14:45

Yes he left her to make her spend time with her children

what? this doesn't even make any sense?
moving away from the whole original post, he left her to make her spend time with her children?? at what point does this even make any sense?

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Dukesofhazzard · 15/07/2017 14:46

GreenTulips

Yes I think that could be it. Before they split DP was doing all the child-care and when he lost his job because she wouldn't come back to let him go to work and he left, he still had the kids every day. When he got a new job after a few months, she shouted about "what was she supposed to do now, you better get me child-care etc" (I witnessed this, it's not 'his version' as some people have suggested)

DP said he was willing to pay half child-care costs with her but instead she just put all the child-care onto her parents. She literally just put all responsibility onto her parents. I think now they're in the position that DP was in a few years ago, he had to leave to try and make her take responsibility for them but she's just passed it on again.

My dilemma that I posted about sounds quite petty, it's just one of many that crops up time and time again and it's taking it's toll. There has never once been a thank you or any kind of appreciation for taking her other child and giving him a family. My family treat him as one of our own as does DPs family.

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GreenTulips · 15/07/2017 14:46

If you read the posts DH did all the childcare while she flirted between work/coffee/friends etc only returning when the kids were in bed -

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GreenTulips · 15/07/2017 14:47

Flitted

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Dukesofhazzard · 15/07/2017 14:53

what? this doesn't even make any sense?
moving away from the whole original post, he left her to make her spend time with her children?? at what point does this even make any sense

What is it you don't understand? She would not come home in the evenings to let DP go to work. She spent a Sunday with the kids(taking them out to her parents). He lost his job because he had to take so much time off work. He left her and still took the kids every day(collected in the morning from her house)but arranged to drop the kids off at a member of her familys house every evening so she could collect them, he knew she wouldn't come back to his to collect them. This ensured she had to pick them up from family member and take them home and spend time with them. Years later, family member still has to do majority of child-care.

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scottishdiem · 15/07/2017 15:28

Why are you leaving these children to live with a poor parent?

Because the courts often do that regardless of the evidence.

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GreenTulips · 15/07/2017 15:30

And the eldest isn't DPs

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Dukesofhazzard · 15/07/2017 15:31

Why are you leaving these children to live with a poor parent?

The oldest DC is not DPs, he has no parental rights regarding this boy. He has in the past said to his ex that he would/could take both DC but she wouldn't agree. He could fight for his own DC but wouldn't it be cruel to split the DC up?

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Nearly10to9 · 15/07/2017 17:16

i dont understand why someone would leave someone else to make person 2 spend time with their own dc. if shes not doing it before, then leaving will make no difference

so he left her to make her spend more time with them, but He left her and still took the kids every day

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Nearly10to9 · 15/07/2017 17:28

i know i'm derailing slightly, but where is the father of the other dc? is he not interested in his DC?

it is a really tough one, but i know if my DF left me where he knew i wasnt being looked after i'd be pretty annoyed and resentful

I would hate to make the decision, (as i dont know if there is a right one) i dont think i could leave a child being neglected. If she doesnt want them, can you not just have them more? surely she would like that?

(i'm not step mum bashing, or you bashing op - you're in a tough place)

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phoenixtherabbit · 15/07/2017 17:36

is kids aren't a "last minute arrangement" I think as a parent you need to be on standby surely? If they lived together he would be looking after them after a 12 hour shift? I agree though it isn't your problem.

No! This is why people go to mediation and get court orders. You have childcare issues on your own time you sort it out. If that means asking the other parent and they're happy to do it - great. If they're busy - tough your time your responsibility

Pity that a lot of people agree to this in mediation but then in practice leave their children on door steps in the hope you're home yes this has happened

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CaptainMarvelDanvers · 15/07/2017 17:44

OP YANBU, but people will twist it and they will also be deliberately obtuse.

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Dukesofhazzard · 15/07/2017 17:46

Nearly10to9 Sat 15-Jul-17 17:16:32
i dont understand why someone would leave someone else to make person 2 spend time with their own dc. if shes not doing it before, then leaving will make no difference

You really are determined to pick holes. It did make a difference, she had no choice but to go and pick them up from her family member and take them home. If she was still with DP she just wouldn't bother coming home.

but He left her and still took the kids every day

Yes, this way she had to spend evenings/nights with them at home as DP had left as opposed to going to pub/restuarant/friends houses when she knew he was with them. He took them every day to let her go to work.

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Dukesofhazzard · 15/07/2017 17:47

Nearly10to9

Sorry, just seen your 2nd message, apologies.

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RandomMess · 15/07/2017 17:47

Yes she took the piss, but as the birth mother most on MN will vilify you and your DO rather than accept birth mothers ever do anything wrong...

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