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AIBU?

Is DPs ex taking the piss?

215 replies

Dukesofhazzard · 14/07/2017 23:12

So DP had arranged with his ex to get kids tomorrow at 2pm. The reason he said this time is because he's working night-shift til 10.00am and he needs to get a few hours sleep before he gets them. It wasn't arranged that he was having them but she asked and he said the above was the earliest he could take them.

I have plans tomorrow so I couldn't help her out as I have sometimes in the past if he's just came off a night-shift. Anyway, she text him tonight at work and said that the 'people' she had watching the kids up til 2pm can't do it anymore and she would just drop them at our house 10.30am. I have arrangements already made for tomorrow morning, leaving the house at 11am. So DP will have to look after the kids after a 14 hour shift and no sleep. I know he'll just fall asleep on the couch and kids will be left to their own devices. DC are 10 and 7 but 7 year old has SN and needs supervision.

She has a history of arranging things and changing them at the last minute and it's too late to do anything about it. I feel really annoyed that I have to change my plans for her, especially as I don't believe she had morning cover arranged and arranged this knowing she'd change it at the last minute. If I don't do this DP gets no sleep and she won't have child-care while she's at work. AIBU to be really pissed off?

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/07/2017 00:43

YANBU, she IS taking the piss, but you probably shouldn't have posted in AIBU because there are a lot of people here who will only take every point you've posted apart and blame you for it all, somehow.

As has been posted on here many times - a stepmother's place is in the wrong, even if you're not an actual stepmother, but acting in that position.

And again - yes, she is taking the piss. Because she knows that somehow, you two will pick up the slack and do it, and she'll get away with it again.

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Thisarmingman · 15/07/2017 01:00

It's not a ridiculous comment. When you have kids they are your top priority. I have kids. I work. There's only one of me but my kids know that they aren't just something to be fitted in around the rest of my life. If I can achieve that on my own then three adults between them should certainly be able to do so.

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Winelover93 · 15/07/2017 01:23

He's a dad not a babysitter I look after my son all the time when I've had no sleep.
Surely he can have a nap whilst they are there if anything.

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worridmum · 15/07/2017 01:34

not with the SN 7 year for all we know it could be dangerous for him to fall asleep.

Sorry you are experening this if the roles were revresed you would be getting tons of smypthy people dont realise that this is exactly like a prevous poster said about dropping the kids off at 1 or 2 in the morning after a day at work when they finished at midnight and are expected to have a full on day with the children.

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worridmum · 15/07/2017 01:35

*sorry i meant dangerous for the dad to fall asleep with the SN 7 year old around not dangerous for the child to fall asleep (sorry for poor typing stupid dyslexia and tired from writing my thesis) time for bed my thinks

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Dukesofhazzard · 15/07/2017 02:16

He's a dad not a babysitter I look after my son all the time when I've had no sleep.
Surely he can have a nap whilst they are there if anything.

Have a nap? Are you missing the part about a special needs child needing supervision?

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Dukesofhazzard · 15/07/2017 02:21

elephanthiding

Yes he left her to make her spend time with her children. She was spending one day a week with them, didn't come home til they went to bed and left in the morning as soon as DP came home from work.

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Dukesofhazzard · 15/07/2017 02:23

worridmum

Thanks, yes I agree with you, the hypocrisy on here is outrageous isn't it?

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Willyoujustbequiet · 15/07/2017 02:26

I'm sorry but I think yabu.

It's not your problem but it is his. He's a parent, unfortunately he has to suck it up. He would have to if he lived with them full time. Just like single mums have to do every day.

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GreatFuckability · 15/07/2017 02:41

is the mother going to work? because if she is, then really shes not being unreasonable to expect their other parent to look after them. I understand he will be tired, but such is life when you are parenting. I understand its annoying though.

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MistressDeeCee · 15/07/2017 03:21

The reason he left is because when they were together, he ended up with exhaustion after trying to work nights, coming home and getting oldest to school, then looking after youngest all day. This went on for a few years. She wouldn't help out at all

Where was she..sitting at home with her feet up and not working + not doing childcare? Or out working days whilst he worked nights?

Id have thought he would have applied for residence by now if she is truly as bad as said, as those children must surely be neglected? Especially as you describe it as if he raised those children single-handed, with no sleep either. So that bond must be very strong, surely.

Then again there is always a story about how the ex wife is a truly awful person, terrible, lazy, a crap parent - yet somehow these men miraculously meet them, fall in love, enter into a relationship with them AND have children. Amazing.

The stuff about her dropping DCs off last minute etc needs to be sorted out between him and her. They are the parents. If he is actually asking YOU to do the childcare then thats an entirely different matter. But it doesn't sound as if he is so, its their call not yours.

& he could have said he'd be out until afternoon, couldn't he. He didn't, so maybe he is prepared to do it and then sleep later on

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Groupie123 · 15/07/2017 11:23

@MistressDeeCee - agree 100 percent. OP is hardly going to be told the whole truth about why her DP left his ex-wife.

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Groupie123 · 15/07/2017 11:24

@MistressDeeCee - agree 100 percent. OP is hardly going to be told the whole truth about why her DP left his ex-wife.

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HaudYerWheeshtBawbag · 15/07/2017 11:27

Only on MN does this happen, if it was the Dad dropping the mother in the shit then all hell would break loose.

However as your the step parent and the Dad does not have full custody, people will be batshit crazy in there comments!

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user1471464432 · 15/07/2017 11:28

MistressDeeCee
And it's amazing how many men are truly awful people, terrible, lazy, a crap parent - yet somehow these women meet them, fall in love etc etc....

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happypoobum · 15/07/2017 11:33

I really wouldn't change your plans, it's not your problem.

If DH wants to tell her she can't leave them then, that nobody will be at home then let him do that, but I really wouldn't get involved and contact her yourself. It will end badly.

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RudeDog · 15/07/2017 11:42

It's not worth posting on AIBU as a step parent - you will always be in the wrong

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Lelloteddy · 15/07/2017 11:47

Is he working tonight again?

I'm not seeing the issue here. He's a parent. He'll lose a few hours sleep. It happens. He'll survive.

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Dishevelled09 · 15/07/2017 11:53

The poster has specified already that the children have different biological dads so the partner can't apply for residency as the eldest isn't his child. Night shift is a killer, well known to have an effect on long term health and he's being v sensible saying yes I'll help but I need a sleep first. This isn't about a dad leaving and being awkward it's common sense.

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NicolasFlamel · 15/07/2017 11:54

He'll survive. A lot of parents unfortunately have to work nights and then cope on no sleep the next day. If you're so concerned about him you could always adjust your plans to allow him some sleep.
There's obviously nothing that can be done about the ex because she'll do what she wants but you two could come up with a solution for today's issue.

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JacquesHammer · 15/07/2017 11:54

So hang on - it isn't actually your DH's weekend to have the children, the ex asked him as a favour and he said yes?

If that is the case then no, YANBU to stick to the time stated of 2pm.

I have to agree that if this was the other way around and the father was doing what the ex is doing he would be getting slated

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BoysofMelody · 15/07/2017 11:54

He would have to do it if he lived full time with them it's just one of those things

If he was living full time with them, he wouldn't have an ex using access to the kids as a pawn.

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MudCity · 15/07/2017 12:16

I would leave them to negotiate. If your DP is happy for the children to be dropped off early, then so be it, if he isn't happy, then he needs to tell his ex. It is up to him. As other posters have said, he will survive without a few hours' sleep.

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GoingSlightlyCrazy09 · 15/07/2017 12:17

I have to be honest, if it was me, I'd just change my plans. I love my DH, and if I thought he was going to struggle doing something, I'd do what I can to help. I think you're perfectly entitled to feel pissed off about it, I would be too, but you're his partner and I would hope that sometimes he will do things to help you out too. I don't think anyone should be looking after kids after doing a night shift, I only worked a few and they darned near killed me. And perhaps he needs a more formal custody agreement in place with his ex if this is something she does regularly......

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RudeDog · 15/07/2017 12:18

If they lived with him it would ONLY be the youngest as the eldest one ISN'T his

So Ex would still have an issue

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